God, I really need to call my dad. It's his birthday and I haven't talked to him in 2 years..and it's eating me up. Not just today, but everyday. Rarely does a day go by where I don't regret the estrangement. I miss him a lot, and yet I just cant bring myself to pick up the phone. Im so afraid he'll be rude, or dismissive and I will be..what? What will I be? I dunno. Im sitting here stressing about it to the point of tears. I miss him. I know I said that already. Im tired of not talking to him. Im tired of everyone in my family not talking to each other. I tried to make amends with my mom, but it's just not happening. There's too much water under the bridge and she's holding a grudge. Is my dad holding a grudge? I dont know. When I broach Amanda on the subject (she's close with him) she seems a little iffy. She'll say "call him" - and if I say "what if he's like 'yea, whatdya want?'" Her response is "wellll.." Which leaves me with no encouragement to do it whatsoever. Mark thinks writing him an email is a copout. It is, I know..but it's safer. Im so ridiculously afraid to pick up the phone just now. But I so want to. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.