Desert Sand Mica

Whatever, just crash it Bob...


Was just reading back through old entries of mine, and needing to listen to the music that comforted me then. I say it comforted me, but in actuality it was so painful to listen to, so accurate that sometimes I couldn't listen at all. Specifically, Matchbox 20 - You Won't Be Mine.

May of 2001 was probably some of the hardest weeks I've ever had in my life. I felt like my dignity had been shattered, that I had no hope left in this world at all, and spent most days and nights too stoned to deal with it properly. It started with May 1 2001 when Mark told me that he and his old girlfriend were getting back together. Not just any girlfriend..the one that he thought was the one. I was so depressed and uncontrollably sad for so many days, I even went through this weird psychic stream of episodes where I could "smell" him in the air. I wrote about it several times, but could never really put the words together to describe it properly. I was blogging in a lot of code words case Mark was reading. I had to be on such a strict guard all the time then.

He'd warned me over and over that if he thought I was straying into "more than friends" territory, that he would end the friendship. I was so head over heels in love with him but I put on a very convincing act that being platonic was fine with me, so as not to lose the bones he was throwing, which were meager at best. Living that lie, that dichotomy, put my emotions in a very unhealthy tailspin and I was writing a lot about it. My writing is so different now, compared to then. Everything was a tragedy, each day was worse than the one before it, and sometimes I didn't know how I was breathing from one minute to the next. I was a horrible mother, a bad employee, and a worthless friend.

God, it seems like a lifetime ago.

Mark just came up to see what I was doing and I showed him some old entries. He was a little sad, but reassuring. Apologized that he didn't see the forest for the trees, and took so long to come to his senses about things. He squatted down on the floor in front of me and told me I should be glad now, cause we're here together, and I won't ever have to feel like that again. That kinda makes me sad too. But in a good way.


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