Desert Sand Mica

Whatever, just crash it Bob...


I've spent the last couple of days trying to compose my thoughts into something I could put down here. Words of wisdom, resolve, encouragement. Finally I realised that I will not succeed in arranging my thoughts right now into a tidy, succinct package.

My closet patriotism has emerged. My anger has failed to surface. My sorrow has been constant.

We all gathered around Heather's TV here at work, and just watched each other cry. Jerry cried. Jerry is a 50 year old curmudgeon that I've liked since day one. Now I like him even more.

I've been making time to be alone with my thoughts for three days now. I've spent time with my kids. I've tried to do my job. And I've tried to decide where I stand. I'm just so sad, and several times a day I get to where I just can't listen to another word about it. Then a few minutes later I am back in front of the tv or Im so sad. I try to imagine what some people went through. The people on the planes, the people trying to evacuate, the people in the WTC watching a plane come straight for them.

Funny how with each new tragedy, technology makes it... different . I remember when the Gulf War went on, it was so different than any other conflict. Why? Technology. We were able to *watch* the war as it happened. We had front row seats to every strike, thanks to satellite feeds, 24 hour news coverage, and instant view technology. And this..this thing that just is this different? The phone calls. People on the hijacked planes made phone calls. They said I love you, they said goodbye. People in the offices called their wives, their husbands, their children. They knew it might be the last words spoken. People left messages on answering machines. "I just wanted you to know I love you, and I hope everything will be ok".

Things are not ok.

There was a day care center in the World Trade Center. A worker managed to rescue 6 children Tuesday morning and take them home. No one has come to claim any of them.

And in the midst of all that is wrong and shitty in the world, my life marches on...

Nothing is going right, and I'm not sure what to do about it. The whole Ss situation is really pressing me down..I wrote to Malcolm yesterday that I was pretty sure I was clinically depressed. I made a doctor's appointment, and I'm going to keep it.

I talked to tj63 for 2 hours on the phone last night. We started out online, but he said "this is stupid". I agreed. It's the most absolute encouraging thing to talk to someone that has been where I am, and worse. He's been not only depressed, but so stricken that he didn't leave his house for months. We talked about what being depressed feels like, and how people just don't understand. They want you to just "straighten up", "snap out of it". Baby, it ain't like that. I wish he'd agree to get together more often. I feel like he's fragile, and that scares him. He seems to relish his aloneness, and that is just so foreign to me, I feel like I need that experience that he knows right now, tho. I feel like someone can relate.

Ive cried several times a day for almost a week. Things are really pressing down on me. Most of it is Ss, some of it is work, some of it is NYC, some of it is my kids, most of it is just me.

I can't even tell you how good Vegas was. Not only does the city put you into a state of surrealness, but the way things were there..the sweetness was like nothing I've ever felt. I didn't want to come home cause I knew it would end, and it did. Someday soon I will write about where we went, what we did, and how much fun we had. But for now it just makes me so sad, and I can't. I want to, but I just cant. I think I have decided I am not emotionally stable enough to go on a vacation of any kind.


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