Originally written 08/30/01
No net connection tonight, kiddies. It's so weird how that always happens when he has *plans*. What the hell is up with that, I swear.
So, here I am wishing I could be doing something online, but needing to pack. I really have so damn much I need to be doing.
I have some randow thoughts I wanted to get down tho. Writing this in notepad, will transfer it to blogger tomorrow night (hopefully)
Amazing Grace on the bagpipes in probably the saddest song known to man. The version I have, from Braveheart, is truly magnificent. No matter my mood, it will make me cry. It makes me think about mortality and losing the people I love. I sat tonight wondering what my own funeral would be like, if it were today. Wondering what certain people would be doing and feeling. If I close my eyes with the song playing, I can almost see the scene in my head, Tears roll down my cheeks for..for what? for myself? No, for them. Ave Maria by Celine Dion is a close second. Ive already created a document titled My Funeral, with some "requests" that I have. Ave Maria is one of them. No other version. And daisies...more daisies than anyone has ever seen together at one time.

Im so scared to be so alone as I feel now. What if I never find anyone to care about again? I'jm certainly not getting any younger, and the men that are attracted to me *now* are barely acceptable. What's going to happen as I age? The men will age too, and that is so depressing. I am convinced I will never find anyone special. I feel so deserving, so ready...but it just doesn't happen. I don't even meet anyone. I work, I go to Marks...I sit in front of my pc. That is my life.

How can I pack when I feel so bad? I wish I could get online and get sdome..some what. Some company. That's what. Validation. That's what I am lacking.

53 is the plan tonight. Again. What's going on? Nothing, I dont think. I think 53 is more than 53 thinks. I dont know. It's what Ive gathered. Regardless, this is the time of night that is the hardest. Knowing how it feels, and wanting that.

Listening to: Dashboard Confessional, Shirts and Gloves
Mood: Sad
Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Diet Generic Soda
Smoking: yup, uh huh
State of Mind: Half Fog, getting foggier
Words Ringing in my Head: Just get me through this night
How do I look: Pretty shitty, shorts and a sweater, hair in a ponytail, very little makeup

I went at got my nails done by Miss Cluster Fuck eyes. I like her, a lot. I think I am going back tomorrow, I hate this color. Its a cotton candy pink that kt says looks like Im stuck in the 80's. I have to agree. Would be ok normally, but shit, Im going to Vegas. I cant be there with stupid nails. She remembered my name, I was impressed. She even said it right.

My car started being stupid yesterday, smoking and overheating like it did last year. Met up with Michele for coffee, I felt like I barely made it there. Then m ade it to Marks, where we found a hole in the radiator hose. We strapping taped it up and I went to Pep Boys today and got a new hose put on. I read an entire book between the nail shop and Pep boys. Took me 2 hours to get my car fixed. Un.be.lievable. The book was Ellen DeGeneres "My Point...and I Do Have One".

Listening to: Dashboard Confessional, "Screaming Infidelities". Fuck, thats a good song. Story of my life.

I keep seeing BN online and thinking it's so juvenile that he won't talk to me. That is so evident of the true feelings, then and now. I knew it in my heart.

Listening to: Fran Lucci "Mistakes I Made"
It really is a miracle that I have come this far without a hope, prayer guiding star
I know I would not be here now...if not for mis i mad
Im not crying, but almost.

Unanswered prayers. Are they really for a reason? Why does it take so long to be revealed?

I need to write to Raul. He's written twice, and I havent answered. Several others too. Funny how I seem to crave company, but withdraw.

Listening to: Matchbox20, "3am" Always good....
They will be here September 18 with Train. Why am I not in the front row? I have no one to go with. Katie would go, but probably be surly about it. Daniel would go ...but.. Mark wouldn't go. I asked BFDan but he wont take the time off work. He'd be fun there. I should just buy two tickets and see who will go last minute with me. Hell, I should just go.

I really need to go pack, but it's gotten so damn foggy I don't know if I can.

Things would be so much sweeter if there wasn't that niggly fear. I won't believe we are going until we are on the plane. Why do I think he would do that to me? Would he? I wanna ask.

I packed for a bit, I'm uninspired, and I can't find my sweaters. My new tank sweaters. *Any* of em.

Listening: GoGo Dolls, "Girl Right Next To Me"

Taking a blog break..

Ok back. Found my sweaters and they are gently washing in cold water. I've bought so many nice new clothes lately, Im really trying to keep everything nice. Im packing a little as I write. It seems impossible to anticipate everything I could need in a week.