"No more Adipex overdoses for you, little lady."

God good. I was up till nearly 5 am, trying to sleep and just not. I took a total of 2 Adipex yesterday, and whee! I started getting sleepy around 11, so I went to bed and slept till around 2 am. I woke up and Mark still wasn't in bed, so I got up to see what he was doing. Him and Daniel were busily constructing more rodent contraptions. Sheesh. After that, I didn't sleep at all till much later. Last time I let my self look at the clock it was 4:38 am. Now today I am at work and sleepy as all get-out.

Your mind does crazy shit when you're laying in bed wide awake. I started thinking about when Kt ran away. I've been reading this book called "The Year Without Michael" and I think that's really what had me focusing on this. I got the book for Daniel to read, it's a young adult book, but I started reading it myself and wanted to finish it. In the book, a 14 year old boy is missing and it's basically what his family goes through during this first year that he's gone. It's so campy and ridiculous, granted it's written for a much younger audience, but it's so unrealistic.

It's hard to talk about and remember those days when we didn't know where kt was. The first realization, the panic, the desperation, the sadness. I was completely inconsolable, and barely have any recollection of actual thoughts at all. It was in February, and it was really cold. Late into the first night that she was gone, it started snowing, and I remember standing on the balcony in the snow bawling. I had mental pictures of her passed out somewhere, with snow building up on her face. I also remember laying face down in a fetal position in her room and just sobbing hysterically. There is no feeling comparable to this in the world.

Both Brock and Mark came over that night, and they were instrumental in keeping me focused on trying to find her. We tried to find things in her computer, and in her room that would give us some indication of where she was, but we always came up empty.

I was sort-of "with" Brock then, and he stayed the night with me. I remember laying on the couch and being so sad and heartbroken that it wasn't Mark that was there with me. Seeing Mark leave late that night added so much sadness to the situation. Brock was a comfort, but it wasn't what I truly wanted. Brock and I have a lot of water under the bridge now, and I know that if he sees this, he'll understand. We gave it a go, but my heart was somewhere else, and so was his.

Mark and I had some great ceiling time last night, and it made me sad all over again that he wasn't there with me during probably the worst thing I've gone through yet. We talked about what it means to be there for each other now, and how much we rely on each other and hope we can keep the feelings we have now for a long time. It makes me happy to think that in the future, he will be there for me during the tough times, and vice versa. No one can promise forever, but for now, it's so nice.

Kt and I have a better relationship now than we've ever had, and I know she regrets making me sad and scared. She's 16, and will likely leave home after just a couple of years, which makes me very very sad. This time tho, hopefully she'll tell me where she is.

Love ya, Kat.