Desert Sand Mica

Whatever, just crash it Bob...


I'd like to plead insanity, please.

Today is Katie's 17th birthday and she has some friends over. It's just Charlie, Megan and Vanessa (Vermin we call her), but it's noisy enough to sound like a houseful. Emma is here so of course that adds about 100 decibles or so. She got so excited when they got here, and she hasn't slowed down since. She's getting to stay up much later than usual because to try to put her to bed now would be a crime..she's having so much fun.

I had to get up ultra early for a Saturday today to get Daniel to Conifer by 9am. He spent the day skiiing with his dad, and called me around 6:30pm already bored out of his mind. Dan offered to bring him home late in the afternoon tomorrow but Daniel pleaded for me to come and get him earlier, so I am meeting Dan at 10:30 in the morning. It's mommy day again already tomorrow, so that means another 2 hours down and 2 hours back tomorrow afternoon too. Hello, I sit in the car. It's what I do.

We went out to breakfast before running mega errands today. We were at Denny's and they have these little cups of toys that you snap together to make things. Mark made this very intricate little car with wheels and a steering wheel and everything. He presented it to Emma and said "hey, look at this car daddy made.." she was non-plussed and said: "Where's the cup holder?" lol!

Had some very nice conversations about the future last night, and I feel really good about it all. Some things had been making me insecure lately, and we got them completely ironed out and I feel better than I ever have in this relationship. Nice, very nice. I remember when Dan and I first broke up and feeling like the "having a relationship" part of my life was over. I felt that I had wasted 16 years for nothing, for a love affair that never happened, and instead spent all that time with a total jerk. I felt fat, disgusting, and lazy. I felt that I'd missed my chance at any true happiness with someone that I loved that loved me back, and that I was too old to start over, and who would want me anyway? Even me and Mark's relationship was ultra rocky for a long time, and I kept trying to make it into something he didn't want. After 2 and a half years of wringing my hands (go read the archives, you'll see how bad things were..) - I finally pulled away intending to move on with another broken heart..but obviously that's not what happened. Without going into details that are Mostly Nobody's Business.. suffice to say that I believe things, events and people are put in our path to foster a higher plan for our life. Even the bad shit happens for a reason. It's just hard to see it at the time. Impossible, really.

I do believe though that there has to remain some glimmer of hope somewhere inside or we are doomed to fail. I've seen a lot of people who have given up on their lives and it eminates from their whole body, affecting everything including personality and activities. The physical self suffers, and the mental well being is barely hanging on. I've been there myself, I know the signs and symptoms. Like I said, it eminates from them. They're practically glowing with defeat. I could go into a lot of detail here about me..and about other people I know..great examples.. but I really don't want to. With the help of friends (and yes, meds) I found hope somewhere and I managed to stand again after feeling like I was crawling on broken glass, and getting nowhere. And thank God.

That's a big part of the problem with me not speaking to my parents. The problems that caused those rifts happened during "the bad times" and though Im a completely different person now, I just can't make the move to restore the relationships. I've finally restored myself, and can see good things for me in the future, but I need to make some baby steps to keep going. Im glad Cindi and I are talking the way we are now, that's a definate plus.

I can hear the kids whooping and hollering downstairs, and it makes me really happy. The last few years with Dan were not pretty, and there are 2 birthdays of Katies that I remember that went by practically unrecognized because there was major shit going down at the time. Really, really bad times. She deserves this really fun birthday this year, and Im so glad she's having fun.


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