Desert Sand Mica

Whatever, just crash it Bob...


There are a few people around me that have trouble having children, and it really puts me at a loss as to what to say about it. I know the standard conveyances are insipid and invalid. Things like.."It's for the best." (who's best?!) ..and other nonsense. I never know what to say. I go by what Dear Abby says to say and just mumble..sorry, and let them know I'm thinking about them.

But more than that, more than just not knowing what the hell to say is that I feel incredibly guilty and meek about being able to get pregnant and carry a child so easily. My Dr.'s said I had "textbook" pregnancies. I've never even had an ultrasound, and I've had 3 kids.

I just plodded along each time without even a hint of a problem. Each child was born huge, healthy and on time, with only the slightest bit of niggly problems afterwards. Amanda got a staph infection a couple of weeks after she was born and had to be re-admitted for a day and a half. She had an IV in her head which looked atrocious, but really was nothing. (The story of Amanda's staph infection went willy-nilly at one point, Chinese Whispers style, and for a few years Amanda was convinced whe was born with a needle in her head..but if you know Amanda, this is no surprise - Hi honey!)

I feel guilty about talking about my kids sometimes around certain people. I feel bad that maybe I am hurting their feelings, unintentionally, innocently. I feel bad that I effortlessly (and at first, unwillingly) completed something that came so natural to my body, but others struggle, fuss and worry over..time and time again, only to be heartbroken many times over. I sometimes try to justify it in my head and say to myself "well, they have things in their life that I wish I had.." but they really don't. I really do have a great life - full of love and opportunity with an outlook for the future of more of the same.

I don't know what it feels like to want a child and not be able to have one, and that makes me feel bad.


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