God, I am such an idiot, I swear. Ring ring--I get put to voicemail. try again......"Im out and about..can this wait till later?" translated...im having a 3 hour lunch with someone, not you. I dont do lunch with you. Ever. What am I feeling? Its that dread, that Im-about-to-burst-into-tears-knot-in-my-stomach-dread. Its that same old worthless feeling. What do I have? What do I have to look forward to? Not a whole hell of a lot, kiddies. I hinge my happiness on moments, that are later invalidated by his actions. What the *fuck* am I doing?