Desert Sand Mica

Whatever, just crash it Bob...


I was thinking about that quiz that I posted about earlier and how much the results reflect a craving for the simple..and I decided that after having children in the house for the past 22 years, (multiply that by all the day care kids I took in from 1986-1995.. plus the amount of friends 3 children generate...) I think I just want everything to be quiet.

I have really great kids. They're each so unique and yet entwined, which I attribute wholly to a healthy balance of nature and nurture. Nature makes them all different, their environment made them all the same. I feel bad about the "regime" they grew up with, but I think there's enough good memories to keep everybody sane. I can't think for too long about all the regrets I have about things I did and didn't do when they were growing up, or I get weepy and depressed. There's been some wicked fights, and some wicked fun.

We had a few fun vacations, a few family disasters, and as a result have more than a few family 'inside' jokes. ("Where's the ham?!")

I remember a lot of people telling me to "enjoy my kids while they were young"..and I have to say when I had 3 kids under 6 years old, I had no idea what that meant. But now that they are grown and scattered I can see that I squandered a great deal of time. But I think we're all ok. I did what I could with the tools I had available.

Im proud of the people they've become..Amanda is remarkably beautiful, self-sufficient, spiritual and smart at 21 years old, though we tease her relentlessly about her "phoebe-ness". Katie is ultra intelligent and carries herself with the most self-confidence of anyone I she's really fun to be around. Daniel is creative, good with his hands..has the most amazing sense of humor, and is sometimes admirably rebellious. And sometimes, he's just really, really annoying.

I recently came across a home video from around late-1999 which was the last time things were barely tolerable in that least to me. Dan and I were very close to breaking up at that point, after being married for 14 years..and after actually being together more or less since 1977, when we were both in Jr. High. No matter your perspective, that is a lot of time suddenly decide you want out. Right now.

We were all singing at the piano, gospel tunes no'd never find a better example of Rockwell-hood. But the way Dan and I interacted on the tape was so telling. We had completely stopped treating each other like human beings that we cared about. Resentment and mistrust had created these two static people that couldn't have cared less if the other existed. It really made me sad. It brought back a lot of memories of really, really painful stuff to think about.

I just hope my kids know that sometimes I was as confused, scared and worried as they were. And sometimes being confused, scared and worried makes you a less than stellar mom.

See you in Sheboygan...


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