Listening to: Barry Manilow
Eating: Ugh - it's too early
Drinking: Coffee
State of Mind: disheveled
Multitasking: downloading music
Who Im chatting to: noone
What a mess: My bedroom

I'm listening to Barry Manilow because Uncle Bob mentioned him today and got me in the mood. Reaffirming the fact that I cannot listen to the track "Mandy" without starting to cry and feel melancholy about my own Mandy. I'm so proud of her and I love where her life has taken her. And admittedly, I'm a little bit proud of myself, too. Our life wasn't easy when she was born, and sometimes it got even worse.

I actually really did name her because I loved that song so much. She was born in 1981, and even though the song was released in 1976, it still got a lot of airplay. I loved Barry Manilow back then. Say what you want, I like the Carpenters and Olivia Newton John too. Pffft.

I remember while I was still pregnant I looked up the name "Amanda" to see it's meaning. It means "Worthy of Love" and I thought that was so appropriate because never was there a child more worthy than Amanda.

Here I was 19 years old, single, living at home, taking a couple of college classes, with no career path or living planned out, no man in my life, just kind of flitting through my post-high school year.

I saw my ex-high school sweetheart at a New Year's Eve party and well...for old times sake..you know.

Badda bing badda boom.

I was getting a lot of opposition from all sides, except my dad and Marla - they were uber supportive, not so much saying "keep it, keep it" but instilling in me that I had to live with my decision every day for the rest of my life, no matter what it was, and that if I thought I could raise a baby, then I probably could, but that it would be really, really difficult.

Amanda's dad offered to marry me. But we had broken up months before for a reason, and I just didn't see the point. There was a big discussion between both families - I think that was night someone threw hot coffee on someone else at my dad's house. We'd all gathered to discuss what to do, and dad and Marla got heated with the father's parents, cause they wanted me to have an abortion, in no uncertain terms. I think my dad threw the coffee on Amanda's eventual grandmother, but you know, I don't remember for sure. Maybe Marla will leave us a tag over there and set us straight.

Anyway - things settled and I hadn't decided what to do. I frequently leaned towards an abortion. I initially debated over my other options - (not have the baby/not keep the baby) and actually gave the matter to God one night and said - "I can't decide. If you want me to keep it, prove it". I was keeping a prayer notebook then (remember that Cindi, from Wanda?) and wrote in it daily. I wrote for days and days that I was done debating my options, and would instead wait for God's decision. (Hoping I would recognize it if it came)

I was getting close to the time where if I was not going to have the baby, I needed to get in and get it done. I think I had about a week or so left to decide when I got a call from Mountain Bell (the phone company then) about a job I had applied for before I even knew I was pregnant. I got an interview, and a job all within a couple of days. To me, that was God's calling card. Most of the negative aspects of keeping the baby up to that point centered on - "I don't even have a job, I don't have any money, I have no way to support myself." - and that had all been solved.

We struggled a lot, and we kind of grew up together. Funny to think that when I was the age she is now, I was already her mother, and she was 3 years old. We lived in subsidized housing, ate meager meals, relied heavily on family for babysitting, food, support - and really, we were getting by, but just barely. I'll always have a special bond with Amanda because of the time we spent alone, struggling together.

So anyway, her name was extremely appropriate. Now she's still being loved - by her family, her new husband and her church. If there was ever a person worthy of love, it is Amanda.

.