Oh god I just completely and totally embarrassed myself. There is one security guard here that flirts with me a lot. He’s this good looking black guy, named Randy. We were talking today about smoking… cause I was going outside for a smoke. In his banter, I got the gist that he didn’t smoke. Fine. So then I go downstairs just a few minutes ago and he was sitting at the guard desk. I said “You need to start smoking soon..so we can go outside and hang out together, cause Im gonna quit in a few days.” He said “I already do smoke.” It was then I realized it was not Randy. It was another good looking black security guard. Oh god. Oh god! I was so embarrassed. I thought maybe he just thought I was an idiot, then when I came back in..he stepped in front of me and said (covering his badge) “What’s my name?” Im like oh god, he knows…he knows Im a dumbass. I said “umm, I don’t know”. He said “Its Clarence..” I said “so is this like say my name, say my name?” He said “No, its so you’ll know who you’re smoking with when we go outside together.” God. I felt so white. I felt like the adage “They all look the same” was crashing down on my blonde idiot head. BLEH!

There is a woman here, I h ave no idea where she works..but she is the bathroom queen. Everytime I go in there, she is at the mirror putting makeup on. She’s not attractive at all, and wears entirely too much makeup already. She’s about 55 or so, hispanic, short brown hair..just blah looking. I go in the bathroom, and she’s got all t his shit spread out all over the counter. And no matter how long I’m in there, she’s still there when I leave. Putting on her makeup. Im sure she does literally no work at all, she doesn’t have time. She has to go put her makeup on. She wanders the halls a lot too. And she has this gigantic purse. I hate women with gigantic purses. It’s so ridiculous looking. Guess she has a lot of makeup to cart around.

Blogger has been such a fuck the past few days. It irritates me that they can’t get their shit together. I know I keep threatening to move everything to my server, but I am just soo lazy. I don’t wanna.

Been having some fun correspondence lately with fragmented. She’s not nearly as somber or melancholy as I first believed. I think she is someone I would like to hang out with. Pity that 5000 miles separates us. Here’s something she wrote to me..I don’t think she’d mind that I quoted her.

~”I often wonder about the people behind the blogs. I wonder if they are able to allow themselves the freedom of discarding the mask that many of us wear throughout our day to day life, or if it still remains firmly in place.”~

So true. How much of what we read and write in our blogs is the true us, and how much is a façade? I know for myself I try to be as honest as possible, without revealing things I don’t want certain people to know, and certainly without hurting anyone’s feelings. Theres a lot of thoughts I can’t record…because of who’s reading it. But I think it comes out 99% honest, bare and pure. And sometimes, its just stuff that’s rolling around in my head. I never intended my blog to be a “daily read” of anyone…but now that it is, it keeps me motivated. But it doesn’t change the way I write. I often look back at stuff I’ve written and think what an idiot I am. More often than not, however…it’s too painful to go back and read old stuff. A lot has happened since I first started this blog, just a few months ago. And some of it hurt a lot while it was happening. Most of it still does.