Desert Sand Mica

Whatever, just crash it Bob...


You all know that I am an admitted reformed Phil/Oprah hater. I couldn't stand Oprah. I loathed Dr. Phil. I thought their blind army was loaded with putty brained, conformist, needy fools. But in truth, I'd never really watched them that much. I'd never listened to anything Dr. Phil had to say. I'd never paused for one moment while he was on and listened to what his mantra was. So, well - long story short, I started watching both Oprah and Phil. Mostly because of my coolie moolie generic Tivo.

(BTW, tomorrow's Dr. Phil is "Disciplining Children - what works and what doesn't". I am SOO there)

So now I tape them every day. I only watch about 30-40% of what I tape, because I will start it and see that topic is something I could care less about. Like Celebrities. Good lord, I hate talk shows about/with/featuring/talking about celebrities. I love reading about and seeing talk shows about the entertainment media - because I like movies, obscure music, popular music, etc. I just couldn't give a rats ass about the celebrity usually.

Anyway - where the hell was I going with this? Oh, right.

So this Dr. Phil that aired today was the hands-down best marital advice I have ever heard in my life! It was all about newlywed couples who are having detrimental problems, to the point of considering breaking up. Anyway, his advice was right on and his wife had some very enlightening things to say too. One thing she said, that gave me the shivers was:

"Nothing you can do will make me leave"..

It was like a revelation, because most of me and Mark's issues (and they really are few and far between) are about commitment. I see holes in his commitment, that in reality don't exist - when in fact, he's proven his utmost loyalty time and time again. And I can see that the only thing that will make that go away is my mistrust of it. I've totally had a change of heart.

When Dr. Phil's wife said that, you could tell she meant it. It was a core piece of their commitment to their marriage, and I wanted that, and I wanted Mark to have it too. He worries that I will stop crying Wolf one of these times and really break it off for good. But from the deepest part of my heart, I know that nothing he can do will make me leave.

Mark always feels like I don't believe his commitment, and in reality sometimes I don't. Or I do, but I wonder when it will change and I won't be necessary anymore.

Baggage? We both brought a full set.

Till now, I've kept myself just a short distance away, so maybe I'll still be strong when it's over. But I don't want it to ever be over even though I've never let Mark believe that. I have to just admit to him that nothing he can do will make me leave. And I have to start believing it when he says it to me.


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