Ripped without permission, but respectfully credited to buzzstuff.net.

"Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you this in advance so don't act surprised. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

...The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.

...As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them."

Go read the whole thing. Funny stuff.