Oh wow, I went to read fragmented
and she had listed my blog as one she'd been reading recently. How insane. But incredibly cool. Does anyone even understand what the hell I'm talking about half the time? Maybe the title of my blog gives me license to be obtuse. My blog can't possibly be interesting, it's so choppy and incomprehensible. Someday, I will have a blog that reads the same day after day: "Life is wonderful, I have plenty of money and I'm deeply in love."

This is what he said to me last night when he called me:(btw I knew he would call me)
"You have the same problem I do, you have people queing up outside your door wanting to be with you, but none of them are exactly the right one" Cha. He thinks it's the same but it's totally different. None of them are the right one, cause I have already found the perfect one, but he continues to look, ignoring the perfection. So I am forced to keep looking, discounting everything because what I want is right in front of me, accessible yet still out of reach. Accessible for convenience sake, out of reach for anything meaningful. Why? Because he says so.

God, why do I keep writing about this? Distance, distance. I need to make some emotional distance. Let's say it again, kiddies for the 800th time this year.

I am considering posting a link to kt's blog. It's so wonderful and funny..but she is afraid of family members reading it. Are any family members reading this shit? My sister is the only one that could possibly, but I feel it's unlikely. If we had any sort of assemblance of communication I could just ask her. Let me think about it for a few days. If anyone really wants to read it in the interim, I will certainly email you the link.

Found some "Saves the Day" lyrics that I really like. Im d/l ing the song right now. Hope it doesn't suck.

Holly Hox Forget Me Nots
~Saves the Day

Somewhere under water maybe you could find my heart
'Cause that's where I threw it after you had torn it out
Three days ago
The doctor told me, "Every skyline and every night spent alone
Are tearing you apart."
Maybe I should get some help
Maybe I should fly out to Montana
I've heard it's quite quiet way out past the electric lines
Out where no one will ever know my name
Oh, I've had it now
I'm walking down to your house
I'm banging on the door
Please, please, please, Mr. Hox
Won't you tell your daughter I'm all alone
And I'm not handling this well
You never know just what you have
Until you get it yanked out of your chest
Well that's it
I'm walking to the water
I'm standing on the bank
I'm staring at my reflection
Oh my god, I look pathetic tonight
Well, guess what
I'm diving in this river
And I'm fishing out my heart
And I'm never gonna let you get your hands on this again.

Man, winmx fucks up my machine so much. It could be a cool site, great access to mp3's. Too bad it sucks.

How close am I to removing CPD from messengers and such? Incredibly. The sarcasm and inability to commit to a weekend is extremely annoying. I'm wondering why I continue to persue it at all. This is the last thing on his list of important things to do. I think I'm pretty much done. I deserve better.

I have decided that I am going to NCarolina and Maryland when I get my PERA. Should put me there around mid August. Kt wants to go. Rock on, we will have so much fun. I've checked some fares..do-able. Definately do-able. Guess I better alert the folks there.

More later, I think today will be a massive blog day, since I'm so damn depressed.