Desert Sand Mica

Whatever, just crash it Bob...


Wow..what an incredible weekend. Very fun, gloomy to see it end. We did steaks at Marks on Friday night, and packed like madpeople for the weekend ahead. Saturday morning we had intended to start out around 10 or so, but actually didn't even get out of town till well after 11. We had several wrenches thrown in, from kt needing money, to driving all over hell and back trying to find 2 fer coupons for the Rennassaince Festival that were allegedly at Wendy's. Not. Turned out when we got there they were just floating all over the place anyway, so we didn't need to have even been looking. The festival was hella fun, lots of fun things to look at and do. The weather held up for the most part, we had a few sprinkles here and there. Left the Rens around 4 and headed for Monte Vista. I've gotten to the point where I really dont mind driving that much at all anymore, even if I'm just riding. Maybe it depends on the company. I love the reflection time I get from driving. Made me want to road trip again, soon.

Monte Vista was great, we all got a long wonderfully and there werent any problems (that I know of). Emma had a bad night, waking up screaming pretty heartily for a good long while. The Avs had won the Stanley Cup, so we spent most of the evening watching coverage of that. Found a great show on HBO "Six Feet Under" that i am going to have to beg people to tape for me, regularly.

Sunday we left Monte Vista and went to the Sand Dunes. Oh WOW was that fun. I had never seen them of those Colorado Tourist traps that I had never bothered to investigate. The spring run off was exceptionally high, and there was a wonderful lake of water on the sand that was wading pool deep in several areas. We walked around in the sand and water for a good long while, and it was just incredible. We were so bummed we didnt have emma with us, she would have loved it so much!

I drove a lot of the way back from there, to Castle Rock, and it was just really nice. Finding resolution to things in the solitude of interstate driving. We didnt even go home first before we hit No Frills Grill, and stayed there late, till after 10 playing pool and having some much needed brew. I took some great pictures.

When we got home, I listened to a phone message that sparked a very long conversation. Parts of it we had visited several times before, and parts of it were brand spankin new. I was blunt and very forthcoming about feelings I'd have of late, namely realizations that nothing could ever be long term there, and that would be my choice. For reasons that are important to me in a relationship that I felt would be missing in any attempt. Suspicions, prolific searching for something else, etc. I would constantly be worried that the search was still on. I guess my head finally has overshadowed my heart. Although, even as I write this my heart feels the familiar pangs that make it hurt..a lot.

I will never understand why it wouldnt work. Ever. Things are just too good the way they are, and I know in my heart that adding to it, would just make it incredible. Adding romance to the already easy, flowing, comfortable way things are now..would make it the best relationship I think either of us have ever had. Unfortunately, that call was decided already, and not by me. I said last night that if offered, the answer would be no. However, just had a long talk with Karen and told her that although my head would be screaming no, my heart would leap out of my chest and welcome it. It's all I've ever wanted for the past 18 months, of course I would still want it. She knew that before I'd even said it of course. Again, unfortunately I never got the chance to prove how good things could be. Man, that acceptance is stinging, even today. It stings because we will never taste how good it could have been. Bleh. Not the tone I wanted to take with this writing. At all. Started this with resolve, now feeling clouded with disappointment that probably the best thing that ever happened to either one of us will never be realized, because it's not offered. Do I still have a glimmer of hope? I guess I always will. It'd inevitable when you've fallen as hard as I did.

Ok, well that chest thumping "I am Woman" rant just went to hell in a handbasket, didnt it?

More soon, hopefully tonight after the fog sets in.


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