I knew it was coming. The emails. "Why aren't you writing?" "What's with your blog?"
Yea, yea. Sorry. I think about it, I just feel like either I have nothing to write, or I have too much to write.

Things are pretty much status quo, hills and valleys, peaks and lows. I have a Dr.'s appt this week, am debating whether to ask for Adipex or Celexa. Do I want to lose weight, or be happy? Can't I do both?

Had a pretty good weekend, spent most of it with Mark, garage sale-ing and just generally tootling around. Target, Kmart, grocery store, etc etc. Made some Tri Tip friday night, that was insanely wonderful.

I am at work, so cant write much fir now. Tonight..I promise, when it's foggy. Yea..that'll be fun.

I've spent the last couple of days trying to compose my thoughts into something I could put down here. Words of wisdom, resolve, encouragement. Finally I realised that I will not succeed in arranging my thoughts right now into a tidy, succinct package.

My closet patriotism has emerged. My anger has failed to surface. My sorrow has been constant.

We all gathered around Heather's TV here at work, and just watched each other cry. Jerry cried. Jerry is a 50 year old curmudgeon that I've liked since day one. Now I like him even more.

I've been making time to be alone with my thoughts for three days now. I've spent time with my kids. I've tried to do my job. And I've tried to decide where I stand. I'm just so sad, and several times a day I get to where I just can't listen to another word about it. Then a few minutes later I am back in front of the tv or cnn.com. Im so sad. I try to imagine what some people went through. The people on the planes, the people trying to evacuate, the people in the WTC watching a plane come straight for them.

Funny how with each new tragedy, technology makes it... different . I remember when the Gulf War went on, it was so different than any other conflict. Why? Technology. We were able to *watch* the war as it happened. We had front row seats to every strike, thanks to satellite feeds, 24 hour news coverage, and instant view technology. And this..this thing that just happened..how is this different? The phone calls. People on the hijacked planes made phone calls. They said I love you, they said goodbye. People in the offices called their wives, their husbands, their children. They knew it might be the last words spoken. People left messages on answering machines. "I just wanted you to know I love you, and I hope everything will be ok".

Things are not ok.

There was a day care center in the World Trade Center. A worker managed to rescue 6 children Tuesday morning and take them home. No one has come to claim any of them.

And in the midst of all that is wrong and shitty in the world, my life marches on...

Nothing is going right, and I'm not sure what to do about it. The whole Ss situation is really pressing me down..I wrote to Malcolm yesterday that I was pretty sure I was clinically depressed. I made a doctor's appointment, and I'm going to keep it.

I talked to tj63 for 2 hours on the phone last night. We started out online, but he said "this is stupid". I agreed. It's the most absolute encouraging thing to talk to someone that has been where I am, and worse. He's been not only depressed, but so stricken that he didn't leave his house for months. We talked about what being depressed feels like, and how people just don't understand. They want you to just "straighten up", "snap out of it". Baby, it ain't like that. I wish he'd agree to get together more often. I feel like he's fragile, and that scares him. He seems to relish his aloneness, and that is just so foreign to me, I feel like I need that experience that he knows right now, tho. I feel like someone can relate.

Ive cried several times a day for almost a week. Things are really pressing down on me. Most of it is Ss, some of it is work, some of it is NYC, some of it is my kids, most of it is just me.

I can't even tell you how good Vegas was. Not only does the city put you into a state of surrealness, but the way things were there..the sweetness was like nothing I've ever felt. I didn't want to come home cause I knew it would end, and it did. Someday soon I will write about where we went, what we did, and how much fun we had. But for now it just makes me so sad, and I can't. I want to, but I just cant. I think I have decided I am not emotionally stable enough to go on a vacation of any kind.

What the fuck?
Scary, very scary....

Back..yes. I cant post anything yet, Im still having a hard time "coming down". It was amazing.
Hi Amanda...

Ooooh gettin close! We are a mere 3 and a half hours from take off time. Mark is taking a nap, I dont know *how* he can do that, Im too excited.

I broke my damn sunglasses today...wtf? Now I have to either pay $65 for some at the airport, or hope I can find some in vegas somewhere. God, that blows. I liked those shades, too.

Im hoping the week doesnt go by too fast, I want to have a lot of fun, and hopefully come home with some money. Gambling all day every day just isnt feasible, nor does it sound like much fun. Gotta play s-l-o-w-l-y to make the $$ last, although I am taking quite a bit. I have just as much people watching, anyway...so Im not to worried about not having anything to do.

Ok, time to jet and primp. Eeek! If by some weird coincidence I come across net connection while we are out and about, I will post. Otherwise, see ya on the 8th!

Always bet black...

Btw, I found out why my internet connection was down. I had surpassed my 300 alotted hours for the month. That's 10 hours a day!
Eeep...

Saturday late afternoon...so close to going, I can't believe it!
I am almost all the way packed, still waiting on a couple of wash alone things in the washer.
Mark just left to go help Dy move in to her new place, Emma is here, watching a movie.

My CD Burner is here, and I just ripped my first CD. Works great, I am hap hap happy.

I cant write right now, its so not foggy .

Originally written 08/30/01
No net connection tonight, kiddies. It's so weird how that always happens when he has *plans*. What the hell is up with that, I swear.
So, here I am wishing I could be doing something online, but needing to pack. I really have so damn much I need to be doing.
I have some randow thoughts I wanted to get down tho. Writing this in notepad, will transfer it to blogger tomorrow night (hopefully)
Amazing Grace on the bagpipes in probably the saddest song known to man. The version I have, from Braveheart, is truly magnificent. No matter my mood, it will make me cry. It makes me think about mortality and losing the people I love. I sat tonight wondering what my own funeral would be like, if it were today. Wondering what certain people would be doing and feeling. If I close my eyes with the song playing, I can almost see the scene in my head, Tears roll down my cheeks for..for what? for myself? No, for them. Ave Maria by Celine Dion is a close second. Ive already created a document titled My Funeral, with some "requests" that I have. Ave Maria is one of them. No other version. And daisies...more daisies than anyone has ever seen together at one time.

Im so scared to be so alone as I feel now. What if I never find anyone to care about again? I'jm certainly not getting any younger, and the men that are attracted to me *now* are barely acceptable. What's going to happen as I age? The men will age too, and that is so depressing. I am convinced I will never find anyone special. I feel so deserving, so ready...but it just doesn't happen. I don't even meet anyone. I work, I go to Marks...I sit in front of my pc. That is my life.

How can I pack when I feel so bad? I wish I could get online and get sdome..some what. Some company. That's what. Validation. That's what I am lacking.

53 is the plan tonight. Again. What's going on? Nothing, I dont think. I think 53 is more than 53 thinks. I dont know. It's what Ive gathered. Regardless, this is the time of night that is the hardest. Knowing how it feels, and wanting that.

Listening to: Dashboard Confessional, Shirts and Gloves
Mood: Sad
Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Diet Generic Soda
Smoking: yup, uh huh
State of Mind: Half Fog, getting foggier
Words Ringing in my Head: Just get me through this night
How do I look: Pretty shitty, shorts and a sweater, hair in a ponytail, very little makeup

I went at got my nails done by Miss Cluster Fuck eyes. I like her, a lot. I think I am going back tomorrow, I hate this color. Its a cotton candy pink that kt says looks like Im stuck in the 80's. I have to agree. Would be ok normally, but shit, Im going to Vegas. I cant be there with stupid nails. She remembered my name, I was impressed. She even said it right.

My car started being stupid yesterday, smoking and overheating like it did last year. Met up with Michele for coffee, I felt like I barely made it there. Then m ade it to Marks, where we found a hole in the radiator hose. We strapping taped it up and I went to Pep Boys today and got a new hose put on. I read an entire book between the nail shop and Pep boys. Took me 2 hours to get my car fixed. Un.be.lievable. The book was Ellen DeGeneres "My Point...and I Do Have One".

Listening to: Dashboard Confessional, "Screaming Infidelities". Fuck, thats a good song. Story of my life.

I keep seeing BN online and thinking it's so juvenile that he won't talk to me. That is so evident of the true feelings, then and now. I knew it in my heart.

Listening to: Fran Lucci "Mistakes I Made"
It really is a miracle that I have come this far without a hope, prayer guiding star
I know I would not be here now...if not for mis i mad
Im not crying, but almost.

Unanswered prayers. Are they really for a reason? Why does it take so long to be revealed?

I need to write to Raul. He's written twice, and I havent answered. Several others too. Funny how I seem to crave company, but withdraw.

Listening to: Matchbox20, "3am" Always good....
They will be here September 18 with Train. Why am I not in the front row? I have no one to go with. Katie would go, but probably be surly about it. Daniel would go ...but.. Mark wouldn't go. I asked BFDan but he wont take the time off work. He'd be fun there. I should just buy two tickets and see who will go last minute with me. Hell, I should just go.

I really need to go pack, but it's gotten so damn foggy I don't know if I can.

Things would be so much sweeter if there wasn't that niggly fear. I won't believe we are going until we are on the plane. Why do I think he would do that to me? Would he? I wanna ask.

I packed for a bit, I'm uninspired, and I can't find my sweaters. My new tank sweaters. *Any* of em.

Listening: GoGo Dolls, "Girl Right Next To Me"

Taking a blog break..

Ok back. Found my sweaters and they are gently washing in cold water. I've bought so many nice new clothes lately, Im really trying to keep everything nice. Im packing a little as I write. It seems impossible to anticipate everything I could need in a week.