Desert Sand Mica

Whatever, just crash it Bob...


I wrote a huge blog last night and saved it, cause my ISP was down. Will post it tonight. Getting ready to leave work, and go do some more packing, etc. yay...

Listening to: GreenDay
Eating: Breakfast Burrito for lunch
Drinking: nope
State of Mind: Frantic
Mood: Pessimistic
Multitasking: IM's, Winmx, blogging
Who Im chatting to: Mark, Alan
Thats fucked up: My internet connection


Things are ok, not great...but tolerable for now. So many things I need to get done before we go. I had a nail appointment tomorrow that I now have to change. Was gonna meet MG later, but gonna try to do it earlier now cause Thursday apparently there is *plans*. Fuuuuck. Friday is good, as is Saturday and then on to Vegas. I can cope. Im contemplating starting a big conversation while I have the captive audience there, but I dunno. If it's good, I dont wanna fuck with it. Work is crazy, I have too much to do already, and people ask me to do work that's fit for a volunteer. chA.

Went to Woody's tonight for pizza puke fest. Bleh. Someone else's dime tho, so that's nice. We all went to arc after that, and putzied around in there for a good long while.

Went down to Robs for a while tonight, he's moving in a month. That blows. I never meet my neighbors and then when I do, they move. Why bother.

I have so much to do.

Listening to: Dashboard Confessional
Eating: Just had cake
Drinking: Milk, gonna go get a soda
State of Mind: Fog
Mood: Semi-Depressed
Multitasking: BF Chat, email, IM's, Bladeforums, mIRC, blogging
Who Im chatting to: Mark, kt, and 20 people in BF Chat
Thats fucked up: Aaliyah



Pretty good weekend, yard saleing, more yard saleing. Saw BFDan for dinner at Fred Robster last night, was ok. I wish he was cuter.
Sped to the Coles camp, but the doodlemeister was already goin to bed. Bleh. Please please please (whoever is in control) make this a good week.


Is blogger being a cluster fuck?

I have to code some of this, Im sorry.
This morning was a complete nightmare from hell. Last night was not much better. Rob came over, but didnt come back as promised. Bleh. And Ss was no akee. Last night or this morning. Mark and I hooked up early to go garage saleing. Man, cut the air with a knife, would you? He asked me later if I was being grotty at him. I mumbled something about its me, not you..blah blah blah. Ok afternoon, found some stuff; a new in the box, unopened, little green clean machine for 30 bucks. I need it. An office chair for 5 bucks, and a bunch of little shit. Hes o'ff getting wine and beer for tonight and for sotck up, since he was at applejack (whatever you say). Were gonna throw together some lasagna and stuff for dinner, i am so starving, i cant wait....

Tomorrow am allegedly having lunch (dinner?) with BF Dan. Would like to go to a movie or something too. Im craving other peoples company at the time. Why is that..weird. Wrote to CPD even and said Id like to see him..and that I would even drive up. 3 hours, but I do really feel like I need to see him. I feel like I left a lot of things undecided. I feel like we thought we had more time, but we pissed it away. Does that make any sense at all? I just really feel like I need to see him.

I wrote to TJ63, too..believe it or not. I havent seen him since his moms funeral. I left him alone for a few months, then started emailing him to see if I could get him to hook up. Looking promising. What a friendship that turned out to be, truly once in a lifetime. We will lay on our deathbeds and remember each other I think. How many people can you say that about?

Vegas is looming, I wish things were sweeter. I dont want it to be awkward or uncomfortable. I want to have a grand time that I will remember the rest of my life. Its so close, if we can just make it through this week. This week will be so stressful...minutes from the Board Meeting (which was really weird, btw), lots of work, freaking out about Vegas, too. Thinking a lot about the flight. I really hope I dont feel claustrophic. Ive gotten so bad, I cant even sit in an enclosed car. If I am waiting for Mark to come back to the car for some reason, I have my door cracked open, otherwise I feel like I am suffocating. Im nervous about the flight anyway, Ive never flown as an adult. Plus the increased sensitivity to being closed in lately makes me worry I will be very uncomfortable. Then, to top everything off with a nice red cherry is all the worry I will be feeling about the 53. What is going to go on there? Its feels like. Bleh, I just want to have fun tonight, and tomorrow, and in Vegas. Thats all I want. I will look at things closer after that.


It's Friday. Not gonna be a good night. Almost ready to leave work, for what? Nothing. Plans, remember? fuck.
Seeing BFDan on Sunday. Didn't do the Rob thing last night, I don't really know what happened, and then Mark came over so I didn't care. We leave for Vegas in 9 days. I'm already depressed about coming home.

~I'll call your cellular phone to tell you TV night was lonely without you and so am I... so am I.
It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.
So many high points on this last leg.
I can't wait to recount them it seems like nothing's happened until I've shared them with you.
I think I miss you most on Wednesdays and Saturdays.
It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year…~

Shirts and Gloves
~Dashboard Confessional


~I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets. You're not alone and you're not discreet. You make sure I know who's taking you home…

…As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder how you're making out. But as for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone making out….~

Screaming Infidelities
~Dashboard Confessional


Some people consistently make me laugh, Im so glad.
I just saw LeRoy downstairs, we laffed and chatted for quite a while. I love LeRoy.

I have to stay at work tonight till freaking 8pm, for the Parks Reception. I had no idea I was expected to attend. Its a nice snooty tooty affair, but Im just too depressed.

Just had to call and chew out kt's school royally. Sheesh, its only the second day.

No change on anything, except its just as hard as it was. The first went so well apparently they are having another on Friday. I need to break away. Im too busy, Im too stressed, Im too wrapped up. I cant stop the way I feel. Im so sad. Stayed last night and it was so nice. Now I am at my desk crying again. God, this sucks so much.


Oh god, I just called someone a girl that was a boy. Im going to die.

What is wrong with me? Snap out of it, dammit. This is not the right thing for me. There is someone out there that is for me. Someone that will do nice things for me, leave me a note on my car cos he was in the neighborhood, cook dinner for me sometimes, call me just cos he wanted to hear my voice. Where is he? Is he wondering the same of me? I've got to get my mind and my shit together. My bedroom is a mess, and its really starting to get to me. But everynight I just sit at my pc and let it get messier. I can't find anything. pantyhose, shoes, clothes. Everything is lost. I need to regroup.

The kids went to school today. I hope it's ok for them. I hope Daniel has a good year. I want him to make some friends, have some fun and maybe even learn something. He needs some friends.

I'm at work, so I better get working.

No presence, I think it was an all nighter. That fucking sucks.

Just after 7 am, and almost ready to go to work. I feel like crap. The mornings are the hardest, I think...when you are depressed. Constantly standing on the precipice of despair. Trying not to listen to songs and people that will make me cry. Trying to decide how to feel. And then trying to look like everything is ok. Everything is definately not ok. I have to go to work. Have a nice day, all....


If you arent reading mecawilson every day, there is something seriously wrong with you. His writing is so thoughtful, so humorous, very Dave Barryish. His talent for writing is completely wasted in life, but memorialized on his blog. Its marvelous. He winds his observations of the obvious and trivial into a stories that are enchanting and interesting. Blog on.

MG said I must be a man's dream in bed. That is trippy.

Its the night before school starts for the kids. Sewer night. Wow...sewer night. Sometimes memories are so profound that they are disturbing. Even good ones. For a long time..many years, Tom M and I would meet at the sewer on two nights of the year. The night before school started in the fall, and the night before the last day of school. We met at the manhole that was in the middle of the street, halfway between our houses, which were 3 houses apart, and across the street from each other. We grew up together, from 2 years old.

On sewer night, we would meet a little after dusk, and sit on top of the manhole cover, just chatting. We'd drop rocks down the little hole on top of the manhole cover.

On the night before school started in the fall, we'd talk about what we did that summer, what was funny, what we'd remember. We'd talk about what classes we had coming up, and if we had any free periods together. We wondered just how creepy the teachers would be this year. We wondered if Jim Schoepflin was still with Judy Gurley.

On the night before the last day of school, we'd laff about all the funny things that happened that year. Choir and Band, all the fun we had. About when Pat Wood got expelled. About when the Mlnariks got killed.

We talked about plans for the summer, what we wanted to do, and where we wanted to go. We'd laff about what psychos our parents were. We'd talk smack about everyone we knew.

We still meet at the manhole every few years..when we're both at our parents house at the same time. Rare, but it happens. I give Tom a big hug and we laff all over again about all the funny shit we've been through. My parents are divorced, and his mom died a few months ago. So my mom and his dad still live there. Rea's still there too. We've both been through a hell of a lot since then, and sometimes it's too hard to get caught up. I just like to see him, put my arm around him and hear that laugh.

I wrote Tom an email tonight and said Happy Sewer Night. He'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

There are certain memories that are so vivd, so important, that youknow they will never leave your mind. One of mine is sewer night.

If feels like the kind of day when the only words that convey my true feelings are lyrics. Read them carefully.

~Good Charlotte

I am lost in the see-thru,
I think you lost yourself too.
Throughout all of this confusion,
I hope I somehow get to you.
I practiced all the things I'd say,
To tell you how I feel,
And when I finally get my chance,
It all seems so surreal.
Cuz from the first time I saw you,
I only thought about you,
I didn't know you,
I wanted to hold onto
The things you'd never say to me.
Cuz you said...

You can't change the way you feel.
(I could never do that, I could never do that)
But you can't tell me this ain't real
Cuz this is real.
(And you would see right through that)
And in the end it's all I've got
So I'm gonna hold on and on and on and on....

Now you've got me watchin' your eyes
(Watchin' just to see, watchin' just to see)
Got me waitin' just to see
(If you ever look at me)
If it goes the way it never will,
(When will it go, will it ever go my way?)
Your eyes are watchin' me.

And now you've got me thinkin' bout
The first time that I met you.
Standin' in a crowded room,
But I could only see you,
And I hope my words will get through
Cuz now I can't forget you.
I wanna tell you,
If only I could reach you,
And make you feel this way.
But you said....

You can't change the way you feel.
(I could never do that, I could never do that)
But you can't tell me this ain't real
Cuz this is real.
(And you would see right through that)
And in the end it's all I've got
So I'm gonna hold on and on and on and on....

Im so so sad today.

Safer On the Outside
~American Hi-Fi

I'm no good
I feel too small
Something's gonna burn
Sink on you
Drunken highways
Someone take the wheel

Faded in the blackout you left me in
It's safer on the outside
I'm swimming in
This kerosene it's hard to breathe
Statics got me down

I can't sleep
I'm disconnected
Everything went wrong
And certain stars
Are sad and bruised like
Someone's cheating heart

Faded in the blackout you left me in
It's safer on the outside
I'm swimming in
This kerosene it's hard to breathe
Statics got me down

Faded in the blackout you left me in
It's safer on the outside
I'm swimming in
This kerosene it's hard to breathe
Statics got me down

Got me down, got me down, got me down
Safer on the outside, safer on the outside
Safer on the outside ...........

Its 6:30am and I feel like shit. Woke up with that horrible feeling of dread. Im nauseous and the last thing I want to do is think about going to work. Im cold and tired and sad. This is not going to be a good day.


And Jeff. BFDan, Rob, kt, megan, van charlie and Jeff. That would be a hella good time. We need to have a party.

Rob just left again. Weird! Hes very cool, but being overexposed all at once. Its like I just met this guy and now hes been up here chillin twice already today, and may come back again. We need a picture of Rob. I feel like Im ignoring him half the time, im so used to just chillin with Mark where we sit for long stretches of time without saying anything. And thats ok with MArk, but with Rob it feels uncomfortable like we should be constantly talking. A fun hang out time would be with BFDan and Rob. God what a riot that would be.

My neighbor Rob came over, hes 'been hanging out with kt and megan lately. Hes very cool, handsome black guy. Ex XFL football player. 28 years old. He came up and hung out for a bit and asked me to go to No Frills on Thursday. Hell yea, Im gonna go. Hes very smooth and funny, I cant wait to see what hes like when hes out. Yee ha...

Comfortably Numb and Mission Impossible by Tool is some of the greatest music known to man. But you can only listen to it at certain times. Its not like work music, or even car music. Its the kind of music you have to be on the verge of unconciousness to listen to. After a day like today when things seemed really sunny and now have clouded up quite a bit. When you cant wait to get home and feel normal .

I am so stressed at work, this week is hella crazy. I have so much responsibility and it effects this class of people that are feared and revered by the people in my weekday circle. The people I work with are so worship crazed to the Board members. This week is my first Board meeting, I have to play hostess and secretary. So much is on my shoulders regarding these damn meetings. Everything from the room reservation to nametags, and how many caraffes (sp?) of water are needed. Board packets, Board Orientation, Board confirmations, oh god...I am seriously going to go insane. The meeting is Thursday. I will never make it. Shopping is my only release right now. What a horrible habit to get into. I bought a ton of clothes lately, probably 9 pieces or so in the last 4 days. Tonight I bought 2 pairs of shoes, and a bunch of crap I dont need.

I found out who the perfume offender was at work. Everyday, this stench of cheap old lady perfume filled the halls, and I never could figure out who it was. I figured it out, its Shirley. From the Library Store. A young looking 70 year old (Im guessing). She has the hump on her back, the whole deal. I can barely stand to be in the elevator with her. She's very chatty and bugs me to death. Today I was so proud that I had made it in by 8, right on the button. She comes to my desk this afternoon and says 'I saw you coming in today, about 8:30''. Im like ....'so?' Besides, it was 8:00. Pissed me off. And then I got up from my desk to make coffee and came back, Gail had left me a voicemail. ''Hello Danelle, its Gail...its 8:10 and I just wanted to tell you - blah blah blah.'' So now Gail thinks I wasnt there yet at 8:10. I cant win for losin, as they say. I know shes become more aware of my hours. Im putting in 40, she cant complain.

I love it when I go out on my balcony and other people are on their balconies, too. Its like a kinship or something. Like ''hey, hows it goin. Cool balconies, huh.'' But completely unspoken. And talking on your phone on the balcony is really cool, too. Lots of people do that. And a lot of people stand on their balconies and smoke weed. At Marks house too. Weird.

I will not let this shit get to me. I deserve better, and I have too much going for me to let any of this bring me down. I know the score. What is wrong with me? I can't let one little thing like this bring me any grief whatsoever. Distraction is only necessary because it stings a little. Am I being led on? Probably. Can I stop it? Most definately. Do I? Not a chance.

Fuuuuuck. Spoke too soon, I guess. Plans. bleh. I'm nauseous.

Stolen from fragmented's site, but this is insane:
How to Pee Standing Up

I'm writing, I'm writing! This is for you, fragmented
She wrote: "And what's going on with everyone this week. No one is updating and I have been left here with barely anything to read. Musty has now gone away for the weekend, Danelle is having so much fun that she hasn't time or inclination to write."

This one's for you,

Why haven't I had time to write? I have to blame my job, really. I am so busy here at this new job that I barely get time to check BladeForums and email throughout the day. I've been doing a lot of ebay'ing too, so I have to keep up with what I'm winning and what I've won. Just picked up some amethyst earrings and stuff for my trip, and a new jewelry box to put it all in. Fun. I've been spending a grand amount of money lately, which has got to come to a screeching halt, or I will be playing the penny slots in Vague Ass and that won't be any fun at all.

Went to a Rockies game on Friday night, courtesy of my boss, who is constantly giving away her tickets. It was really fun, though we didn't really watch the game all that much. We watched Emma run around like a crazy person, talking to everyone and running up and down the stairs. She had a great time. Saturday we went to the zoo, and that was hella fun too. I was wishing we'd brought a picnic, like we had done before cause it was really hot and we got tired of walking around pretty quickly. Charlie was able to come, which was really a nice treat for Kt. Sunday we hit a couple of yard sales but didn't buy anything, and then took Emma home to mommy. Last night was the season finale of Six Feet Under, and it was so good! I don't when it will start up again, hopefully soon soon soon. I am so addicted to that show, but why the hell doesn't Brenda just die or something? I can't stand her.

Las Vegas is T-13. yay yay and more yay. We are staying 3 nights at Terrible Brothers (new casino-got a great deal) and 2 nights at Caesar's Palace. We got an incredible deal on everything, which hopefully will leave lots of money for other schtuff. Mark has been learning and practicing playing craps, I think that'll probably be his vice while we're there. I'm just a slot playin fool, so the odds are much worse for me, but it's all about fun, right? I'm so damn excited. I guess I've conveyed that, huh?

Everything has been going so good, I don't feel any trouble on the horizon. Personally, things have been cozy and comfortable, and it just feels good. I just hope I can maintain some sense of distance emotionally (I can't of course) so that if and when things change, it won't hurt so much. Things have been really good tho. I'm just enjoying it while it lasts, I suppose. I try not to kid myself into thinking that there's been a change of heart, cos I am 99.9% sure that is not true. But on the surface it looks and feels like bliss....

This week at work is going to be incredibly busy. It will be my first board meeting, and all that goes along with that. Next week too, there are a lot of things coming up. Then the week after that, I will be Vegas Bound. We considered borrowing a laptop from someone to post a diary of sorts while we were gone, but don't know if that will happen. Maybe we'll pop into a cyber cafe somewhere and post a blurb. Yea right.

Finally got Daniel all registered for school, etc. It was a big mess of course, when isn't it? Only just this morning got his schedule faxed to me at work. I think the only thing he doesn't have now is a locker. No word from Dan, I filed a motion with the court for permanent custody, and child support. They said it could be 30 days before we hear anything re: a hearing. Dan has been suspiciously silent.

I guess that's it for now, I think I am thoroughly updated. I will try to be better, thanks for the nudge to write again.


BLeh, I do not feel like writing..and Im not going to much. This keyboard sucks. Things are really good, going along just peachy. Still waiting for that hammer. Had a couple of close calls, and thought I might be losing it, but things are copesetic I think. I'm so bizee at work I cant think straight. Board meetings, steering committee meetings, blah blah blah. I need to write to Jeff.

Mark and I are going to Las Vegas in 17 days. I cant wait, Im so excited and I just really cant even believe it.

Daniel is moving in...long long long story. But it'll be good.

Soon - more soon

Blah, blah...I'm so busy. Bad excuse I know, but work is just insane and that's where I usually find time to post. Tonight, I promise.

I'm going to VEGAS in 17 days!


I'm having a great weekend... Too good to spend time here. I'm thinking back to something I wrote some time ago. About wishing there could come a day when all I had to write was "I love my job, I have plenty of money, and I'm deeply in love". I can almost taste it.


I also forgot to write about the concert last Friday night, it was sooo great. It was at the Ogden, great old theater on East Colfax. There were 3 other bands, Hey Mercedes, Hot Rod Circuit and Dashboard Confessional. I love DC and have some stuff burned onto CD's. ACtually it's just one guy, playing accoustic guitar. Great stuff. Saves the Day was magnificent, they were fun and just rowdy enough. We went into the pit for part of the show, Daniel had to go put tp in his ears cos he thought it was too loud! We only stayed for about 6 StD songs, I wanted to leave by about 10:30 to get out of the traffic mess, and also cos I was heading to the Coles Camp.
Anyway, still fighting with Dan, so I am not in the mood to write right now...more later


Oh god I forgot to write about the nail gal. I went and had my nails done, found a great great great place. The girl doing em tho was weirder than hell. First I thought she was really pretty, cos she had on one of those masks, so I couldnt really tell. Then like halfway through everything, I see t his tear roll down from her left eye. She doesn't even acknowledge it. Wierd!!! Then I notice when she looks up that her eyes were totally cluster fucked. One of em went way off to the side and the other was all wide eyed and unfocused. I swear it was a glass eye. I couldnt stop looking at it to try to figure out what the deal was. She kept catching me and I would just smile like nothing. I don't know how the hell she saw what she was doing. She gives Swedish and Deep body massages too. yummm....

Kt and I were wishful thinking that we could buy a house. Here's some in our price range:
Kinda Cute


No one will hear you scream here

White Trash is too good a word for this place

Someone stole the fucken house

Oh yea, we were laffing our asses off.

I almost forgot, I heard this song the other day on the radio and I was so moved I almost had to pull over. It's an old corny song that no one will admit they sing along to every time it's on the radio. It's long and it's sappy. But it seemed like every line, was written inside my head.
Every single word seemed to be cutting to the core of my life.

Total Exclipse of the Heart~

every now and then I get a little bit lonely
and you're never coming round
every now and then I get a little bit tired
of listening to the sound of my tears
every now and then I get a little bit nervous
that the best of all the years have gone by
every now and then I get a little bit terrified
and then I see the look in your eyes

Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

every now and then I get a little bit restless
and I dream of something wild
every now and then I get a little bit helpless
and I'm lying like a child in your arms
every now and then I get a little bit angry
and I know I've got to get out and cry
every now and then I get a little bit terrified
but then I see the look in you eyes

Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

every now and then I know you'll never be
the boy you always you wanted to be
every now and then I know you'll always be
the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
every now and then I know there's no one
in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
every now and then I know there's nothing
any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do

Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart


I feel like I have too much to write about, so writing anything at all is pointless. But I'll try. Been keeping notes tonight of what I want to write about.

All Your Base Are Belong To Us

What a phenomenon. It's almost like a secret society. Do you know what it is? If someone doesnt know what it is and you, do you feel 'internetly' superior? You do...and you feel possessive of the knowledge. Im not posting the link, cos it's just kinda secret that way.

I found some great blogs, and some really not-so-great blogs. I found bizarre ones like This

And I quote: "While decadence revolves around decay - a rot that sets in at the peak of a movement or society - Against Nature doesn’t so much document a decay, but the hollowness that exists within a fully formed, self-aware, and fully modern society (sound familiar)... a hollowness based on a sensory overload, much like our own."


It just amazes me that there are people walking around thinking of this shit in their heads.

Also found this This Great Blog

Again, I quote:
"in Jay news - he wrote a 5 page research paper about my lips and their perfection. he sited 5 sources (including the Bible). I'm sorry but my boyfriend is better than yours."

I like her.

Ok, what is going on. I have been fighting with Dan for 2 days about Daniel. Too long to give too many details, but it's not good. Both sides have levels of unreasonability to them, and I feel torn between what I can handle, and what's best. All's quiet now, but not a good tone. Not good at all.

Work is so busy, and I just really feel like I barely have my head above water sometimes. Priorities are blurry, and that doesn't help. I'm just looking ahead to the time off I'm taking soon. Itineraries have changed, and I'm excited. Can't say too much right now, don't wanna jinx anything!

Im gonna try this new little thing everytime I post. Saw it on another blog and thought it was cool.

Listening to: Britney Spears Remixes (That's pathetic)
Watching: Maybe in a minute
Browsing: Bladeforums
Talking to: No one really
Feeling: Worried

Really busy at work...had a great weekend tho - more! I promise..


I have another great idea. I really need to lose some weight, and kt is trying too, so I am gonna create a weight loss page for us. I am going to try and get Di and BFDan to do it too. I've been looking at some diaries online today, and they've inspired me. None of the ones Ive read tho have had very much success. But I want to try, I think it will be fun, and hopefully more motivating than just "doing it". Hopefully will get a chance to work on it some this weekend. I have no time at work to play on the net anymore, at Auraria I was struggling trying to find things to do, now I have so much work to do that I have no net time during the day.

Gotta run for now..more later
Concert Tonight! Yay!
Saves The Day


I had a great idea...On the Blog Cast of Characters...Im gonna make em links to a page with that persons picture and a short bio. I cant access my server for some reaon tho, so I can't get started. I need to configure my new ISP tonight in the router anyway..bleh. I hate doing that, but have gotten amazingly adept at it, having done it so many times lately.

Kt and I went and did some rebel rousing. Well, in our own way. We went to Arc and were almost completely uninspired. Kt found a lot more than I did. Then we wanted to go to savers but needed fud...passed by the Golden Corral. Carb Heaven Buffet that Mark will never go to. Funny, he hates buffets really. We ate so much food you'd thoght we hadn't eaten in days. We were laffing our asses off at the amount of food on our plates. And everything was so carbs. Potatoes, cornbread, stuffing, pasta, mac and cheese. And dessert..oh god. I would be embarrassed to even say. We left there abut ready to hurl, and finally made it to Savers. Wow..everything was 50% off. What did we find? Not much. Tons of stuff, but I just was so turned off by everything. I got so disturbed by the hideousness of some of the shit that I couldnt see the acceptable stuff. Katie again was pretty successful.

Am being messaged by a girl in Tennessee for the sole reaon that we both have the first name. Admitedly, it's an unusual name. But weird nonetheless. I get probably 2 emails a month from women with the same first name. They'll do a search for their name online and one of my sites will come up. They are all shocked and amazed to find someone with the same name. I used to feel like that, but now so many people email me with the same name, it doesn't seem as unique as it used to. Biggest pain in the ass is not being able to find anything with your name on it. I have a clock in my kitchen that says Danelle's Kitchen. And I will never part with it. It never has a running battery in it. Ever. But it has my name on it. I had to send away for the name. It came with a stickers that said 'om's Kitchen'. But it had a note inside that said if you wanted to personalize the sticker, send $2 to blah blah blah. So I did, and it's really cool. I always wanted to go to Kinkos and have note pads made with my name on em. I need to do that.

Let's see what else. So we left Savers and went to Freakys. The new Freaky's on Leetsdale. Guess what. Not open yet. Had a big sign out front that said Freaky's Coming Soon. BLEH! So we went to the other one but got kinda lost. I told KT that area screws me up. Wound up winding all through Cherry Creek. Finally got there and Freaky's is Freaking Closed. It's like 9:00pm and the head shop is closed? Wtf? All I wanted to do was replace my I (heart) porn sticker that someone stole off my car. We were so stunned. You'd think the head shop would be open till like 1am. Maybe cause it's on Broadway. Broadway was so damn scary, we walked up a down it just giggling at all the weirdos.

Ok, KT is nagging me to set up the ISP so she can get online. Meow, kitties.

Going to the Saves the Day/Dashboard Confessional concert tomorrow night. Im so excited. Daniel is coming too, which should be interesting. His first concert ever! Good Charlotte was so fun, and I sat there (sat..? not...) wishing he could have come. So this time I made sure to get it all squared away with Dan and bought him a ticket and everything. Thought the night would be a great diversion anyway, but turns out that was unnecessary. Tonight is diversion night.

~"And I think..that I see...that big blade fallin.."~

Great song. Apropos, too. Maybe not. I dunno. Just keep me busy, that's all I ask.

The concert is at the Ogden. It's gonna be crazy, sweaty, insane. Kt will undoubtedly spend the night in the 'pit' along with Charlie, Vanessa and Kelcy. Im so pissed they wont let me bring a camera in. Hell, i dont want pics of the bands necessarily, I just want pics of all these crazy kids.

Saturday looks like gonna be yard saleing. Cool beans, cause I really wanna pick up a dresser. My bedroom is beyond belief, beyond control. I take an outfit off the hanger, look at it, decide i dont want to wear it and throw it on the floor. Oh...kt cleaned my car out for me. It was No one else could ride with me, every single space besides the drivers seat was totally piled with shit. Clothes, boxes...everything. Now it looks so beautiful and she even sprayed something in there to make it smell nice. Thanks, fatass...I appreciate it.

Oh god I just completely and totally embarrassed myself. There is one security guard here that flirts with me a lot. He’s this good looking black guy, named Randy. We were talking today about smoking… cause I was going outside for a smoke. In his banter, I got the gist that he didn’t smoke. Fine. So then I go downstairs just a few minutes ago and he was sitting at the guard desk. I said “You need to start smoking we can go outside and hang out together, cause Im gonna quit in a few days.” He said “I already do smoke.” It was then I realized it was not Randy. It was another good looking black security guard. Oh god. Oh god! I was so embarrassed. I thought maybe he just thought I was an idiot, then when I came back in..he stepped in front of me and said (covering his badge) “What’s my name?” Im like oh god, he knows…he knows Im a dumbass. I said “umm, I don’t know”. He said “Its Clarence..” I said “so is this like say my name, say my name?” He said “No, its so you’ll know who you’re smoking with when we go outside together.” God. I felt so white. I felt like the adage “They all look the same” was crashing down on my blonde idiot head. BLEH!

There is a woman here, I h ave no idea where she works..but she is the bathroom queen. Everytime I go in there, she is at the mirror putting makeup on. She’s not attractive at all, and wears entirely too much makeup already. She’s about 55 or so, hispanic, short brown hair..just blah looking. I go in the bathroom, and she’s got all t his shit spread out all over the counter. And no matter how long I’m in there, she’s still there when I leave. Putting on her makeup. Im sure she does literally no work at all, she doesn’t have time. She has to go put her makeup on. She wanders the halls a lot too. And she has this gigantic purse. I hate women with gigantic purses. It’s so ridiculous looking. Guess she has a lot of makeup to cart around.

Blogger has been such a fuck the past few days. It irritates me that they can’t get their shit together. I know I keep threatening to move everything to my server, but I am just soo lazy. I don’t wanna.

Been having some fun correspondence lately with fragmented. She’s not nearly as somber or melancholy as I first believed. I think she is someone I would like to hang out with. Pity that 5000 miles separates us. Here’s something she wrote to me..I don’t think she’d mind that I quoted her.

~”I often wonder about the people behind the blogs. I wonder if they are able to allow themselves the freedom of discarding the mask that many of us wear throughout our day to day life, or if it still remains firmly in place.”~

So true. How much of what we read and write in our blogs is the true us, and how much is a façade? I know for myself I try to be as honest as possible, without revealing things I don’t want certain people to know, and certainly without hurting anyone’s feelings. Theres a lot of thoughts I can’t record…because of who’s reading it. But I think it comes out 99% honest, bare and pure. And sometimes, its just stuff that’s rolling around in my head. I never intended my blog to be a “daily read” of anyone…but now that it is, it keeps me motivated. But it doesn’t change the way I write. I often look back at stuff I’ve written and think what an idiot I am. More often than not, however…it’s too painful to go back and read old stuff. A lot has happened since I first started this blog, just a few months ago. And some of it hurt a lot while it was happening. Most of it still does.

Blogger is SO screwed up. Im working on it...

Kt wrote this and posted it on her webpage. It's truly awesome.

What is Punk Rock Love:

punk r0ck l0ve is sharing everything, cigarettes, s0das, f00d. punk rock l0ve is stealing your parents car t0 c0me see her at three am. its disc0vering really great s0ngs by really great bands and sending them t0 each 0ther 0ver the internet. its asking 0ld h0meless pe0ple t0 buy us sm0kes because we're still t00 y0ung, then giving them the change. its h0lding each 0ther when your c0ld, 0r even when y0ur really h0t.

punk r0ck l0ve is wiping y0ur sweat 0n his sh0ulder, and painting his nails f0r him. g0ing int0 a mini museum at a festival, just s0 you c0uld be in a dark, small place t0gether. staring at the ceiling listening t0 music and n0t saying a w0rd. its the little kisses 0n my f0rehead that feel s0 nice. its him burning an anti flag cd f0r y0u, and it turning 0ut to be y0ur fav0rite.

punk r0ck l0ve is rej0icing when you find 0ut he can g0 t0 the sh0w, and being happy f0r him when his m0m gives him a sm0ke. its me being jeal0us because he can r0ll his t0ungue, making that 'RRR' s0und, and i cant. its him being jeal0us 0f my tatt00. its watching m0vies in the basement, but never finishing them. its when b0th 0f 0ur hearts melt when we smell "0ur" lotion. its s0me guy telling us "come 0n, hippies l0ve sticks!". its getting asked if we want t0 buy some hash.

punk r0ck l0ve is sm0king in her room, and sm0king 0n his balc0ny. its eating pizza t0gether, and him 0rdering it with n0 pepper0ni because y0ur a vegetarian. its the way y0u feel when he whispers in y0ur ear and tells y0u that you mean s0 much to him. its tickling him even th0ugh he hates it m0re than anything. its waking up shivering 0n valentines day, but next t0 him, giving him a g00d m0rning kiss.

punk r0ck l0ve is kissing in the backseat 0f your parents car, while they're driving. punk r0ck l0ve is talking t0 her when she calls at four in the m0rning t0 tell y0u she didnt sleep last night. its stealing a childrens b00k f0r him at the b00k fair, and sticking it d0wn y0ur pants, just because it says "i l0ve y0u". playing footsie. watching the history chanell together. its kissing in fr0nt 0f strangers, and n0t being ashamed. its c0l0ring pictures f0r him.

punk r0ck l0ve is NEVER getting sick 0f each 0ther, and squeezing each 0ther s0 tight y0u think they might just break. its h0ping and praying that his m0m lets him go to the sh0w next week. crying t0gether. laughing t0gether. breaking b0ttles 0f nail p0lish in the middle 0f the r0ad t0gether. riding his bike. wearing his s0cks.

punk r0ck l0ve is sharing bracelets, and pinching him just t0 hear him squeal. punk r0ck l0ve is watching the newleywed game t0gether 0n the ph0ne, trying t0 answer the questi0ns y0urself. its being there f0r him when his m0m threw away his c0nverse.

punk r0ck l0ve is the best feeling in the w0rld, next t0 a mudbath. its helping each 0ther thr0ugh every little thing, and caring ab0ut each 0ther m0re than y0u care ab0ut y0urself.



I hope blogger is working. Note on the front page said it may be down tonight. Copy and paste..just dont forget to copy and paste.

Wow, it got foggy in here. In my head, that Dan B, one of kt's friends is over and we were all listening outside Joe's door to see what he was doing in there. We heard this really weird music and sounds, and we were trying to figure out if it was just tunage or if he was playing a game. We're all cloak and dagger, our ears pressed to Joe's door...dead silent. Finally Dan gets this look of "i know what it is" over his face and we all follow him into kt's room. I swear it's like an episode of Dragnet. Dan smiles and says..."pinball..." We're all like "ooooh, pinball.." Then Dan and kt made themselves sick eating junk food... too damn funny

Had a lovely dinner and then the Coles Duo went for home. Will be weird sleeping alone after soo long. I was invited, said maybe tomorrow. Im feeling like the hammer is poised.

Have to remember to tell him tho, that we were "heard".

This is how lazy I am:
I am online..using netzero cos my regular ISDN connection is down. So my phone line is busy. I need a soda but Joe is out there and will say something derogatory. Kt isnt online, or I would tell her to go get me a soda through IM. And I cant call her, phone is busy. But....Vanessa is online. I tell her to call Kt and have her get me a soda. I got a 2 minute lecture from a 15 year old about how lazy I am. But I got my soda, too.

I found the most wonderful amazing website.

Brills Content

It's a list of some of the greatest sites I've ever visited on the net. Links to a weekly radio program that covers the life of ordinary people told in extraordinary ways, a site that shows the week top headlines in the most amazing video and photography that I've ever seen, a site that proves and rebuffs every urban legend I've ever heard...and the list goes on and on. I spent a good amount of time there tonight, and have definately put it on my list of my frequented cyber stops.

What else...netzero is sucking black donkey dicks. I dont know why my ISDN is down, unless they tried to bill my CC today, and I get paid tomorrow. Blech. I'm not getting any fun email, and no one interesting is online. Joe is hogging the tv of course, for at least a few more minutes. Know whats so weird? He and I park in the same small parking lot, work right next door to each other...leave and arrive at the same time frequently . Isn't that weird? But neither one of us would ever think of carpooling. That would really suck. I need to get a picture of Joe.

I see a message here on blogger that publishing is unavailable. So, this may be posted tomorrow, tho written tonight. Phreakin blogger.

I got an email that said I should post more pictures. Pictures of what? Let me know.