Desert Sand Mica

Whatever, just crash it Bob...


You have to watch Taxicab Confessions on HBO.
You just have to.


She'll be toast inside of a week.

I am so pissed off at this damn BF Chick, BBB. She is such a damn idiot and has no class whatsoever. I picture her sitting in her trailer in Oklahoma with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. She has almost crossed me, but not quite. Funny. A community like that is *so* built around intense friendships. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Who rules the Roost. Who's word matters. Who knows what's *really* going on. Who can you count on. I bet playing those online role playing games with the same people every night - is like that.

Mark's sick as a dog, I'm..what am I doing? Pampering I guess. He loves it, and I don't mind.

Something is abrew with AN. We have been discussing a venture, and I think may have decided to proceed. It's weird. What do I know about this? Nothing. He is researching, I am networking. Mingle mingle.

I guess that's it. I love AM at work. I wish I *was* her.


Me:: i met this guy at a bar...and he wanted my number - i said gimme your email - he said "I dont believe in the internet"
Me:: im like "wha?"
D: omg
Me:: i said...
Me:: "well, it EXISTS"
Me:: thats all i could think of to say
Me:: you dont believe in it?
Me:: wtf?
Me:: its like the virgin birth now?
D: geeez, that's like saying "I don't believe in the telephone"
Me:: oh god i just snorted pop out
D: lol
D: i don't believe in indoor plumbing
Me:: yea...i know
Me:: LOL
Me:: that one would be obvious

RCG...what to do? I could go so overboard for him if only..if only what? I dont know.

"RCG: That's right. Time will tell then. In the mean time, I'll wish we'll see each other again. I'll wish that I'll have a chance to look at your eyes again and get captivated by your beauty.
... It hurts when you have feelings for someone who lives so far from you. Thinking about that person is never enough to fulfill a heart with love and care.
... You know that you have the beauty to captivate me. I once told you and I will always tell you that you have the most beautiful smile and the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. But that's not all, your intelligence and sense of humor are very comparable to your beauty so for me you have anything that I would wish in a woman."
I do not even know *what* to say here...

Me:: how can people wait 5 days to answer an email?
Me:: that is just foreign to me
D: oh, i know! it's utterly incomprehensible...if you're going to take that long, drop the pretence and buy a stamp
Me:: and how about people that you NEVER talk to in person or in email, but they only send you forwarded shit
Me:: that's ALL you ever get from them
D: i know...what the HELL is up with that?
D: and you think they're trying to initiate a conversation so you respond to their FWD and...nothing...until the next "this made me laugh"
Me:: lmao - god that is so true
Me:: and on the other end -
D: why bother?
Me:: what kills me is how my boss, and the accountant for the foundation i work for, and myself are all almost within sight distance of each other in the office, and yet we email
D: oh yeah...that's always funny...we do it at the office too
Me:: sometimes they walk up
Me:: dont they?
Me:: while you're writing it
Me:: and you say "im writing you an email"
Me:: and then they lkook over your shoulder and read it
Me:: LOL
D: yeah...but that kinda' freaks me out now when someone actually wants to talk
D: lol
Me:: then you dont know if you should send it or not
D: or people will call me on the phone to ask for coverage or something and i'm like "yeah, could ya' email me?"
Me:: i know - people tell me - we need staples...or whatever..i say the same
Me:: send me an email or i'll forget
Me:: wow...isnt it funny?
D: oh, i am having lunch with the PR chick from the museum of natural history...turns out we have mutual acquaintances...and she's like, "Don't be shy about letting me know if you want passes to the museum." We were like, "Let's meet" and it ended up in "OK, email me."
D: Afterward, I thought: Couldnt we have decided then and there? We were both at our PCs and desks. LOL
D: it's like NOTHING is real if you don't read it via an Inbox
Me:: LOL fuck!
D: i know i know
Me:: what is with us?
D: instead we had three back and forth emails to decide to meet at NOON
Me:: oh god i have to blog this
D: noon IS lunchtime LOL

I havent blogged in a while, so I have to blog all at once.

This fucken song! God.

I've Never Been To Me - Charlene

Hey lady, you lady
cursing at your life
You're a discontented mother
...and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do

But I wish some one had talked to me like I wanna talk of you…


A conversation:
"I will be your lifeguard.."


I got stuck in the elevator at work today. SO weird! Was only about 25 minutes or so..but very creepy nonetheless. I was headed downstairs to just read outside for a few minutes. It stopped between 4 and 5..just *clunk*. I had to call security on the little phoney deal, and they kept asking me.."are you ok?" I had a great book with me, though. Weird, eh?


I am entering no music mode. All music is too painful.
Going back on anti-deps. I have to find strength. I have none.
I have been crying at my desk for 2 hours.


Listening to: Matchbox 20 - (safe music), for the most part
Chatting to : Dy, Bali
Multitasking: Email, Paypal
Drink: Diet Soda...yay
Eating: Nada
Looking forward to: Thanksgiving maybe
Dreading: Court Stuff, Work
Daniel is : doing laundry
Kt is: At a concert

We live in a huge complex, I dont even know how many apartments. Probably right around 500 or so, total. We have 3 pools, and a lot of parks.'s right on a really busy street in a lousy part of Denver. (Yale and Monaco for those of you who know the area).

Tonight some pickup truck (Work truck of some description) went right off Yale and into our complex. Broke the iron fence down at the pool, and ended up about 5 inches from the deep end. Daniel had been out and seen it, then came and convinced us to come look. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen.

SO many cop cars, ambulance, fire! I stood there trying to imagine the scene just seconds before the wreck. Daniel and I trying to explain what we thought had happened... "It looks like he went for Syracuse, and couldnt stop..blah blah"

If it had been summer, someone sitting in a lawn chair at the side of the pool would have been dead.

Daniel and I started talking about other bad wrecks we'd seen. He said "Remember that one time camping when that car rolled off that hill?" Man..That was awesome...We were up at Grand Lake and there are some really steep cliffs going around those mountain turns. Some damn car had rolled 150 yards down the hill and ended up against a tree. We sat there in our lawn chairs drinking beer all day watching that one. *That* makes me miss camping.


I save chats. You've seen me post em. It's something I do. When I'm having an important or interesting, or funny chat - i save it. I have tons of em.

I wish you could finish a 3 hour in-person conversation like I just had and save it on your hard drive the same way.

Lots of talking. Lots of conversation about how I feel increasingly frustrated about current situations, and also worried about future bomb drops. Some assemblance of compromise on the frustrating things, less so about bomb drops. No guarantees there. Things could change at any time, and they likely will, now or eventually. Am I increasingly frustrated because my attitude has changed? That remains to be seen.

Good talking.


Sometimes people feel guilty for reading my blog. Sometimes I will be telling someone a story, and they'll say..."Oh i read about that in your blog..I don't read it all the time..but I did read that" or "I hope everythings ok...not prying, but I read in your blog..."

I *want* you to read it. Thats a big part of posting it, is knowing people are reading it. I have a site meter. I know who's reading..Im not gonna post anything I dont want you to know, dont worry. Most of all, I like when someone writes and comments on something I've written. Sharon does that, so does Kira. I love that.

And people love it when they "make the blog" . When they're written about. And I love it when people notice they've been written about.

Don't worry about being here.

I have places I write the whole gory truth and nothing but...and that's just for me. Enjoy this one for you - I hope you laugh and cry in all the right places.

Omg what is with these BF people? $300? This is insane. I don't even know what to say. I am speechless. I am without speech. Of speech, I have none.

Katie and I were laffing so hard about inappropriate wavs. When I first started playing around with wavs I had no idea what I was doing. Now I am a connoisseur of fine wavs. My machine is honed to a beautiful hum of perfect sounds. All very original, and some are hard to come by. A lot of hours of messing around have gone into these great wavs.

But in the beginning - good lord. I would find the most annoying sounds and put them on really common menu pulldown was some long annoying beeping sound. And none of the sounds were funny or fun...just totally annoying. Katie and I were listening to wavs tonight, and we were remembering all the horrible wavs we used to have..and when we remember having them. "Oh, we had that on the computer right when you and dad were getting divorced" "Oh, we had that right when we moved in here". I have a couple that are a little creepy...those are fun. Good times.

Wonderful quotes taken out of context:
"If B1 is not lit then telephone 1 cannot light up green.
Because our router does that or something. "
God I love Kt's logic.

I did another test:
What's Your Theme Song?
Danelle, your theme song is Walking On Sunshine!

You have got to be shitting me.
YeK3: i8apuc

Wow...remember those books? Who remembers?

Oh god I have to write about court. 330% increase in support from 140 to 605 a month. Back arrears paid to me......1396.25
"Feeling stronger every day"....

Here is a conversation from an person - a man, no less. Blank spots are where there was more conversation - but I cant post it.
My comments are in Greeem (as Emma would say)

Star: i can think of little else except know.. and its late
K: You know, I read volumes of things you didn't say, between the lines that you did say. Tell me about him.

*Good freaking God. Where *are* these men that can talk to us like this?

K: I can't understand why he hasn't grabbed you up.
Star: its something i need to stop...but..*sigh
K: What the hell is he waiting for? A Host of Angels?
K: You've told him how you feel.

Star: pretty much, and it's worrisome
Star: i try to tell myself its less than it is...
K: It worries him? Worries him how?
Star: he thinks if i cant get over it we shouldnt be friends

K: May I be brutally honest?

K: Why do you love him?

**Good, Lord..I should be paying for this

K: Yes, fools often miss what's right in front of them while they're looking high and low.
K: the biggest failing of the Internet is that it won't transmit hugs.

K: Ever kick him in the nuts?

Star: lol no...
K: :- ) Think about it, he's begging for it.
Star: he isnt
K: Okay, the first rule of relationships, is that you can NEVER change the other person.
Star: then things give me hope
K: Give you hope or string you along?

Star: i dunno - but it does give me hope

Star: he says his mind is not completely closed to it

Star: but that he just has to investigate this feeling
Star: god i know this sounds shallow
K: Does it sound shallow to you, or are you imagining how it sounds to me? 'Cause I'm not judging.
Star: i know he's being shallow -
Star: and i think its ignorance, not concious
Star: thats why he would not be friends even if he knew how bad it was
K: No, I don't think it's concious either.
K: But that doesn't change the facts of the actions.
Star: So many of my friends tell me he's bad kids love him tho
K: I don't know if you need to be "away from him"
I know precious little about the situation and wouldn't presume to tell you that.
I do think you need to re-align your feelings towards things (if that's possible)

K: Let me tell you my theory of Capitalist Friendship.

**This part gets *really* good...

K: All Relationships are like Ledger Books.
We have to balance the books all the time.
Sometimes, those books run into the red, and the relationship costs more than it's worth.
Sometimes, they run in the black and are very profitable to you. They pay dividends beyond your wildest expectations.
Sometimes, we have to look at the books and admit to ourselves that they're in the red and going to stay there forever.
At that point, we have to decide whether we're going to close that account or not.
K: Either way, we have to take people as they are.
I have some friends who will never be "in the black" in that book.
But that's okay, because it's only a minor investment on my part, and I can afford it. It doesn't pay off, but I get a measure of enjoyment or happiness out of it anyway.
Those I keep.
Some are just too damned expensive though. They cost dearly and there is no payoff. Only more "cost."
Those books have to be closed.

Star: ive weighed it...the risk vs the reward
K: You're running in the red. You always have been.

Star: and most of the seems worth it..
Star: as bad as it is
Star: i know you are right tho
K: Read what you just wrote.

Star: yea, yea
K: as bad as it is.

K: Your Soul Mate is out there though. You are a beautiful and vibrant woman. There is a man out there looking for you.

Star: i used to believe that
K: Why did you stop?
Star: and if i am forced to press on...and turn away...there will never be anything like it
K: Define "Love" for me please.

**Yes, this *is* a real person

Star: i dunno, an overwhelming craving to be around, think about, be with this person
Star: to want everything they love their good, and live with their bad
K: I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me. You defined Infatuation, not Love.
Star: someone that makes you feel happy - all the time
Star: just to be "one" with someone - to feel so completely connected
K: Infatuation is when being with someone makes you happy. Love is when being happy depends on the other person's happiness.
The incredible desire to make another person happy, to make them feel good, and the pain you feel when they are not happy. That's Love.

K: You don't have to answer me.

K: Just think about it.
Star: yea i know

Star: im so sorry to be such a wet blanket and drop all this in your lap
K: I wish there was something I could do other than give you something to read.
I can't find the answers for you, I can't tell you what to do or how to do it, I can only tell you this.

If what you're doing doesn't work, change what you're doing.

I know!, I know!


Custody hearing tomorrow. Bleh.

This is one of the WEIRDEST things that has ever happened to me...

Raul wrote me an email -
"Funny that after I sent a reply to your message today I paid attention to the music I was listening to. Surprisingly, it was a Matchbox 20 song called 'you wont be mine'. I listened carefully to the lyrics and I liked this part:

"Take your straight line for a curve
Make it stretch, the same old line
Try to find if it was worth what you spent
Why you're guilty for the way
You're feeling now
It's almost like being free
And I know soon you will be.."

And I was listening to that song at THAT VERY MOMENT. That's SO damn weird. The same time I was reading his email...the song was playing through my speakers. God, that is weird.

Wow. Its the equivalent of saying "Who's that ugly bitch?"
And someone saying "Thats my wife"

I just did it. Not that....but the equivalant. I am such a damn idiot!

BF people are fucking amazing. I want to just crawl inside there and live forever.

I was supposed to go out with CinP tonight..was really jazzed at the prospect. He cancelled. Strep. Uh huh. Maybe he's gonna sit in the tub all night.

Ss is a fucker.
Let's take some days! oh, ok cool.

Then to the i-thing - Let's take some days!
fuh q.

I really really like hanging out with kt.


Oh man, I really need to vent. But cant. What the fuck is this shit about? Fine, whatever. I am not an idiot. I am not a fool. I'm being played like a cheap fucking violin.

Now I'm pre-empted. That really sucks.


I have to quote Charlie here -
Fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck.

What a terrible, horrible no good very bad day.

It's not what you say, but how you say it.

That has haunted me since I was about 5 years old.


I know this is long and it looks boring, but its not. Oh god. He's such a pervert. Read it.

He: whatcha doin tonight?
Danelle: just slummin
He:may i join you? i'm just alone in an iowa hotel for the week
Danelle: oh bummer-but you're bored outta yer mind, or you wouldnt be messaging me
He: that's not correct dear
Danelle: lol - ooh yes it're laffing
He: laffing-but not that loud dear
Danelle: well im jamming some music, and drinking coffee
He:but can you believe i brought my cam with me to get into trouble with??
Danelle: oh, are too hooked on that damn thing
He:i have a new game and my sex drive goes to hell when i'm playing it
Danelle: and whats that?
He: yeah-call me a geek, but..finally playing Baldur's Gate
Danelle: and that is...?
He: fantasy role playing game based on AD&D rules - just me against the machine
Danelle: and so why'd you bring the cam..if you're into something different?
Danelle: oh god i am too sober* for this conversation
He:because i have a kickass desktop at home and a shitty laptop from work-the 3d game is slow on here and too big for the hard drive
He:so how's the new job working out?
Danelle: i like my job a lot...
Danelle: good what time is it there? Nearly 12?
He:nearly-after my 2 hour drive - in the dark from the airport
Danelle: well, that doesnt sound fun at all
Danelle: damn i cant get into mIRC to save my life tonight
He: an mIRC denizen-oh my
He: and what a true geek you are-that got old to me as will cams and games and all else
Danelle: but my particular has no one in it..which is impossible, there's always someone in it...and everyone has mentioned how hard it has been to get in lately
He:interesting then-maybe just a terrorist plot
Danelle: yea..maybe..
Danelle: its a knife collectors room, never know
He: hmmm-i'm thinking of jumping over to netmeeting to get my thrills-whaddaya think?
Danelle: oh, none for me thanks...
He: what else turned you off of the cam??
Danelle: its just blech
He: yeah-we just don't have the bandwidth yet
Danelle: or the sex appeal
Danelle: no offense, just in general
He: i guess i don't get many offers so i'm still looking for the perfect cam
He: no offense taken
Danelle: i just picture cam folks sitting in a toilet stall jacking off to Hustler..
Danelle: it's creepy
He:what's wrong with that when you are on a long business trip huh?
Danelle: nothing at takes all kinds, I always say
Danelle: I would hate the world if we were all the same
He:i at least jerk off in the bed hehehehehe
He:it's a great relaxer, and i can't sleep the first night of a trip so it may happen
Danelle: see, we all have our vices
He: i wouldn't call self love a vice when you are away from your wife
Danelle: no probably not..would she?
Danelle: what does *she* say about it
He:nahhhhh-i've showed her the pics i'm jerking off to on the internet before
He:she's pretty cool about it
Danelle: she'd have to be
He:why's that??
Danelle: cause you like it so much, you'd be sneaking around all the time if she wasn't cool about it
He:me sneak? nahh too open and honest-besides-guys will rub their dicks
He:no bones about it

Late night. Fuh Q.

Listening to: silence, gotta get tunes
Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Coffee #2
Chatting to: MSKY - oh god, its so funny. It's so funny.
I need: Chocolate
Something to look forward to: Tom on Saturday. Right.on.

oh this this chat. Dont forget.

The fucking cat ate ALL of Daniel's rat food. He had this huge, like 5 pound bag of fucken rat food. The cat ate it all. Oh man...what a fucked up cat.

I didnt write the MC people yet, their card is in my car, in my sweater pocket. Way too inconvenient. The soda is out there too tho, so may have to make a parking lot run after all. I made coffee at least an hour ago, and haven't drank any.

Daniel is almost completely moved into his room. It's fabulous. Need the cable to get his sound up and going.

I used yahoo for his email, so he could have his personalized yahoo start page, and see if he had email right there. If he had hotmail, he'd never check it. Things are going to have to start v-e-r-y simple here. it'll be interesting to see someone go from the ground up on the internet. He knows almost nothing, and yet I know he's gonna get hooked, and probably be really adept. He's already got a good interest, and he seems like he'll be smart about it.

I tried to get him to pick a better name, wondering if he got really good at stuff on his pc, if in a few years he'd still wanna be known as monkeyman8755. He turned on his aim and someone anonymously messaged him and said "dude you aint a monkey OR a man" Gotta admit, its a stupid

Ok, off to do something wildly productive.

Listening to: LFO
Eating: Popcorn
Drinking Diet Soda..yummm
Multitasking: chatting, BF, blogging
Who's here: Kt, Daniel, Megan
Looking forward to - Shibby

It's a "plans" fuh q shibby type of night. More of the same ahead. Blows.


LostBrit67: so then lets drop the double bluff on what we think the other thinks they want the other one to think about coming over


When I left the house Joe was packing a few things up. Pout. Gonna be sad not to have Joooe there anymore. He wants his socks back. chA.

Mark is ill, and on the couch asleep. Danggit. i need help moving furniture tomorrow.

A good quote, taken out of context: "Oh god, it's rockin robin"


"This is NOT candy, it's tootsie rolls."

I originally wrote this list in my Blog on October 25 - 7 days ago...

I need a list of things I have to do today.
Write Jeff
Pay Public Service
Call Amanda
Financial Affidavit for court

I have only done one of those things. I still have lights.

Listening to: Sweet Child o' mine...
Eating : Tootsie Rolls
Craving: Dinner
Drinking: the LAST soda

I got more..hold on..

eatApillow: whats up
DanelleOShea: can i appear invisible to someone on aim?
DanelleOShea: how do you do that?
eatApillow: block them.
eatApillow: they cant see you and you cant see them.
DanelleOShea: doesnt that tell them they're blocked?
eatApillow: no
DanelleOShea: ok
eatApillow: they just think your never online and the same.
DanelleOShea: well in yahoo it does
eatApillow: yeaqh i know
eatApillow: but is this YAHOO?
DanelleOShea: no idiot
DanelleOShea: you're stoopid
eatApillow: im not eating any candy after tonight
eatApillow: until after christmas
DanelleOShea: why
eatApillow: promise me you wont let me
eatApillow: im gonna get so fat
eatApillow: ive eaten far too much candy
eatApillow: in my life span
DanelleOShea: have you?
DanelleOShea: candy is so yummy tho
eatApillow: yes dude
eatApillow: nonononono
eatApillow: its bad
eatApillow: i can start eating candy on new years day when i quit smoking.
DanelleOShea: ok

That's me and kt. Too.damn.funny.

Castellino event tonight. Groan. Came in late today because of it, which was nice. My eye is killing me, I dont know what the hell is up with my contact. Feels like there is a shard of glass in my eye. Lovely.