Hallowasnt. Wow, what has happened to Halloween? It's a shell of it's former self. Where do all the kids *go* on Halloween now? We did not have any kids come to the door. Totally weird. Daniel went out, tho. Isn't that crazy? Maybe tomorrow all these people will say "I only had one kid come to my door" And it will have been Daniel..wow that's kinda funny. He dressed up as an Army guy. That's the only costume materials that we have plenty of.

Oh god, my free web hoster is not free after midnight, and I havent saved any of the pages. Oh god oh god.

It's halloween! No trick or treaters yet..does that seem weird? I think it's very weird. Am I going to be embarassed if none come? Is that as bad as giving a party and only one person comes and then you are mortifiably embarassed? Weirdness. I have to go save those pages

Sometimes lyrics are the only words that will do....

Take Back
~Green Day
You pushed me once too far again
I'd love to break your fucking teeth
I stick a knife in the center of your back
You better grow some eyes in the back of your head
I fight dirty just like your looks
Can't take, can't take, can't take anymore
Take back, take back, take..
The taste of bad blood on the tip of my toungue
An eye for and eye, gun for a gun
Cold-cocked and I'm taking back what's mine
Expect it when you're least expecting it
No loss of love
The smell of regret
Lights out
Can't take anymore

God..where is Rob?
I can barely listen to music..I keep putting something on and saying oops..no can do. Hate that shit.
Wondering what is up with Brock. Why? Dunno. Just wondering. It would be fun if he'd just write me out of the blue. Not happening, I know. Ssh. I know.

Listening to LFO - excellent.

I am starving.

He's gonna sit in the tub. Yea riiight.

Man, where is everyone? No one answers mail for 2, 3 days. BF is dull. The shibby search is unproductive. I have 30 mins left at work. Not enough time to start anything. Kt wants to go get Charlie a card when we get home. Zzz. I need something to look forward to. Friday night was fun..wish I could say more. Team blog. soon.

Man, my writing has been so shitty lately. Why is that you ask? (you did ask, didnt you?) I think it's cause Im shibby-less and have been for a long time. If I dont have money for my nails, how can I justify shibby? I cant. But I need to. Oooh, elusive shibby. Tonight I think. I hope. Not connecting at the Coles camp, so...we'll see. Early plans. Fuh q.

So, what are the plans. Locate shibby. I need to move my site, zdnet is closing up the free shop in 3 days. I have no idea how to do it. Im screwed. I need to do laundry. I will be miserable. Guaranteed.

Oooh man, Daylight savings time ended and now it is only 5:12 and it is already getting dark. This blows!

Watched traffic last night, and didn't fall asleep - should have tho, it sucked. Tonight Mark and I are going to watch The Wall, if he ever gets home. It feels so late already. He's in Golden fixing a pc, or *whatever*. Bleh!

Im so damn bored.

Kira - isn't she cute?

I need more gay friends and black friends in my life. How do I accomplish this?

Oh, poor Maggie..and poor Kira. These women are having terrible days. Maggie works with me, well sorta. She hasn't had a date in longer than you can imagine, and some guy came in and asked her out about a week ago..for tonight. I saw her outside while we were both paying for parking, and she was so excited. She said she tried on 15 different outfits, discounting each one and throwing it over her head rather than hanging it back up. We've all been there. So we both go to our respective desks, and she just comes over to me just now and said he called and cancelled! What a rat. She's so disappointed, but trying to pretend she isn't. "Oh, I have so much to do this weekend anyway, now I wont have any excuse not to get it all done". Riiight. She's probably gonna go cry somewhere.

Kira's ex is giving her fits, as all of ours are. They never go away. They never stop. They never die.

I am so bored and I have virtually nothing to do at work. There is no one here. Everyone is off today. I thought maybe that would mean that I could get out early, but Gail just called and said Melinda would be in this afternoon. Oh, bother.

I need to do something fun. Right now.

Definately my anthem..for now. Download the song, it's sultry and slow, and it's fabulous. It has a 2 minute break of silence right in the middle of it. Weird. The lyrics totally describe how I feel today...


You Won't Be Mine
~Matchbox 20

Take your head around the world
See what you get
From your mind
Write your soul down word for word
See who's your friend
Who is kind
It's almost like a disease
I know soon you will be
Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on
But no - Oh no
No you won't be mine
Take your straight line for a curve
Make it stretch, the same old line
Try to find if it was worth what you spent
Why you're guilty for the way
You're feeling now
It's almost like being free
And I know soon you will be
Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on
But no - Oh no
No you won't be mine
So take yourself out to the curb
Sit and wait
A fool for life
And it's almost like a disease
I know soon you will be
Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on
But no - Oh no
No you won't be mine

I went to Online Time Wasters! and did a madlibs-type activity that created this oh-so-lovely Fairy Tale. Too fucken funny.

Once upon a time, there was a orange, squishy girl named Danelle. Everyone loved Danelle, but that didn't matter. You see she was wet and in love with Mark, who happens to hate wet girls. Danelle tried very hard not to be wet. She even tried dripping. But that didn't work.
Then one day while fighting through a very brown Bahamas, she sat upon a dry Weasel. This dry Weasel spoke to Danelle and said, "If you can answer my riddle I will grant you a wish."
Well Danelle slept. And she rapidly said, "What is your riddle, smelly Weasel?"
The Weasel replied, "If a Beta Fish has a pebble, how many shoes does it flopping?"
Danelle thought about the riddle and answered, "15!"
The Weasel began running, than it fucked, and turned into a Chicken Plucker. The Chicken Plucker stroked and said, "You are correct! You turned this old Weasel into back into a handsome Chicken Plucker. What is your wish?"
Danelle was so happy! She knew exactly what she wanted, "I don't want to be wet any more! That way Mark will fall in love with me."
The Chicken Plucker then showered his dry curling iron and Danelle was no longer wet! She left the Bahamas to find Mark. When she did, she found him working Kira, the sticky girl from Denver. And Mark and Kira lived lovingly ever after. Danelle, on the other hand, died a sad spinster. The end.

I added my buddy kira to my list of daily reads over there. Read em. Do it. Don't argue with me.

I need a list of things I have to do today.
Write Jeff
Pay Public Service
Call Amanda
Financial Affidavit for court

Damn, it's gonna be a fun filled whirlwind kinna day.

One more...god..
I AM 39% GEEK.

I probably work in computers, or a history
deptartment at a college. I never really
fit in with the "normal" crowd. But I have
friends, and this is a good thing.

Take the GEEK Test at Fuali.com!

I think I'm addicted to online test taking. Went to emode
and a test there says I will be married by September 3, 2005. Hmm...

Mark took the same test:

Pretty Goddam funny.

From This Blog
Damn, people are writing good shit out there.
"People do seem to flinch a lot recently. Yesterday on the bus riding home, a guy who I think I've seen two or three times before got on the bus wheeling a dolly absolutely piled with boxes. The bus driver said, "OK, guy, OK, next time you can't get on the bus with all that," and all of us sitting up toward the front were obviously thinking: Next time? What the fucking fuck? The man smiled benignly, emptily, and carefully wheeled his piled dolly (there were at least four TV-sized boxes on this thing) towards the very. Back. Of the bus. I'm sure the majority of us were all thinking he was going to go home to Allah and take us all along for the ride. And this was a rather Caucasian-looking guy. No beard, blue eyes, skin paler than mine. And mail is everywhere in my office, why haven't I noticed it before? There are three mail deliveries a day. We have a courier service. FedEx packages arrive frequently. There are deliveries from office suppliers. A friend of mine got the willies when she was scooping unsweeted cocoanut shreds out of a bin box in a little run-down hippie grocery in Boston last night, and she actually had to stop and think, Why would anyone want to put anthrax in a bin box of unsweetened cocoanut?"

This is fucking funny too:
Disturbing Search Requests


just sharing the love, people....

Doo bee doo doo wop. Why am I saying that? I have no idea. It's been a pretty decent weekend. The lunch thing turned out to be pretty much nada. Friend of a friend. Homely, Im told. Then there was V-mail and I dont mean voicemail. Had me worried, but then there was more and all is redeemed. I cant explain. All I can say is "never again?" "never?" PROMISE!?!?!?. Malcolm knows. lol God, this code must be infuriating! lol.

Malcolm told me that spending christmas alone was unacceptable. then so did Mark. I guess Im not worried anymore.

What am I worried about? Fucking money. Money sucks right now, and there's no improvement in sight. Dan is paying only his 140 a month for kt's child support, nothing for Daniel yet. We have a hearing November 15, but he is already bitching wildly. What is it with these fucking men that doent want to carry their fair share? He dumped Daniel off 3 months ago and has seen him twice in person since then. The whole situation is just fuct.

I am watching a show about waitresses in Vegas, and how their feet are all fucked up from the shoes they have to wear. Also, the neck and shoulder problems that they have from carrying trays. Im not sure why Im watching it. I think to prove to myself that I can watch something about Las Vegas without being melancholy and weird. this woman has filed a lawsuit against her casino for her medical problems. It must have sucked having a gun held to your head while you served all those gamers.

I took all my fingernails off till I can afford to keep them up again. It'll be soon. Something really really disturbing happened with one of my nails last week, and I cant stop thinking about it. I cant write about it cause it's really really weird, and bothersome, and I'm trying to not think about it. How fucking cryptic and annoying can I be, I wonder? I only write about this weird shit to remind myself about it later, not to torture you all, I promise.

Had a pretty fun Saturday today. Took Emma to a punkin p atch, which she loved. the pumpkins were outrageously priced tho, so we only got a couple of little ones. Emma loved the one with the curly top. It is of course named "curly" now. We also went to WalMart and to the Breakfast Inn. Yummy. Last night we went to this weird little BBQ place that was full of black people, which I took as a good sign. It's always a good sign when a chinese restaurant is full of asians, and mexican restaurants are full of mexicans, get the picture? it was good BBQ, Mark thought it was skimpy. We had a coupon..of course.

Tomorrow I guess we're just going to be lazy and then make some stew in the evening. Scrummy, as Emma would say. I keep calling her Emma Pastrami and she says "Im not Emma bastrani". Then she giggles. God, she kills me.

Mark is in the bedroom watching Enterprise. Blech. Im drinking beer and wishing I had shibby!

God, I am such an idiot, I swear. Ring ring--I get put to voicemail. try again......"Im out and about..can this wait till later?" translated...im having a 3 hour lunch with someone, not you. I dont do lunch with you. Ever. What am I feeling? Its that dread, that Im-about-to-burst-into-tears-knot-in-my-stomach-dread. Its that same old worthless feeling. What do I have? What do I have to look forward to? Not a whole hell of a lot, kiddies. I hinge my happiness on moments, that are later invalidated by his actions. What the *fuck* am I doing?

How come I've never been a blog of note? My blog sucks, thats why. Bleh!

What is going on. Hmm, its Wednesday, just getting ready to leave work. Have been shibbyless for a long, long time. Mark's neighbors are always out on their balconies schwaggin and I wish it was me! Tonight we are going to ARC, then eat something, then go to the Coles to watch Survivor. Am I gonna get hooked on that damn show? I made fun of everyone last year who liked it. Im so silly!

Been talking to DB, dunno whats going on there, cept I dont have a picture, so nothing is going on until that happens.

Just stopped talking to Mac today, after talking to him for like 2 months cause he refused to send me a picture. Explained that I would never consider meeting someone without first seeing a picture. He thought that was stupid. We had a few words and it was like "fine." "fine." "See ya." "Fine."

Oh well. So Im stupid, and now he'll never know. Im not going to be an idiot and go out with someone I have absolutely no physical attraction to. Hell, I have enough problems with the ones I AM attracted to, give me a break. I'd rather be alone than with someone I dont wanna be with.

Gotta run, things are fun. Are they? Not really. Oh, we went to No Frills with Joe on Monday. Good Lord that was fun. Joe Rawks.

Went to sweetcherrie.com and took a test. Turns out my perfect rockstar boyfriend is Kurt Cobain. How fitting. My perfect boyfriend committed suicide.

Still spent Saturday kidless and dateless. Sucked. Talked for a while to a new buddy, no idea where that's going. Have made a few contacts from my match.com ad, who knows.

So far today have just been cleaning. Found out I dont have to go get KT in northglenn, thats very cool. Yesterday was Daniel's birthday, dad's too. Daniel left right after I got home from Mark's to go to Dans, so I didnt see him much. Gonna shower and go get a cake in a little bit.

The Ball was..blah. Mark ended up leaving. Long story. Just blah.

Joe is moving out Nov 1 as far as I know. What Im doing for money after that time, I have no idea. Hopefully CSupport will be ordered soon.

Gotta run, just wanted to poke my head in.

Ok, I feel better. Saturday will be kidless and dateless however...bleh!

When did I post last? only 2 days ago...seems like longer.

We had another break in..of sorts. More stuff is gone and we had the locks changed. Very strange. Good stuff this time, but I don't really wanna talk about it. It's just really really icky.

Funny how fast things change. There are chinks in the armor, and I think it's distance time. What an existance, I have. Today was not a good day at all, and I really felt some very bad vibes. I dont know what is up. Im not that distressed, but mildly. I think Im too medicated to care. Im sposed to up my dose this week, but Im not going to. Im too numb as it is.

I went to Kt's choir concert tonight. God, how did my parents sit through that shit for 12 years? My sister was in choir or band all through jr high and high school, and so was I. That's 12 damn years of those fucken songs. Hell, in jr. high I was in both, and in high school, so was she. So thats even more! God! I surely would have slit my wrists by that point. Funniest part is watching kt's choir, it has the most eclectic mix of people. Could you take the time to learn the songs, girls? I mean, really. And the jazz choir...good God. Shoo bee do wop..boo dee do bah wop! I hate that crap soo much. Im so glad kt's in choir and have no problem sitting through her group, but I just really can't stand any more after that.

The Ball is Friday. Black Tie. Biggest event of the year for the Library. Isn't that pathetic? We're both volunteering. Man, I hope things are cool. Cause I just don't feel like they are right now. It's a sold out event and tickets were $10,000 per table of ten. Geees, some people have w-a-y too much money.

Im to foggy and getting more distressed. Outta.

Listening to: Nothing
Eating: M&M's
Multitasking: Mirc, aim, yahoo, icq, blogging
Chatting to: Ray and Mark
Dreading: Court with Daniel tomorrow
Looking forward to: sleeping in sometime soon, not much else.
What's achin: My neck and my head
What's funny today: Charlie
Money situation: Bleak

Later..over and out..

We're hanging out and not again. Mark is watching U571, a movie we saw in the theaters that I slept through all but 10 minutes of. Had a really fun weekend, saw Brian Regan, which was awesome. We went for food at Duffy's afterward, and talked. Not encouraging, but not un either. Typical.

Today I massively cleaned my apartment, and it looks soo much better. It was nearly unbearable, truly. Have a bunch of laundry done and still going at it. My room is nice and tidy, and all my clothes are washed and put away...wow!

The shibby is missing, and I am not pleased. Lots of stuff missing lately.

Im hot..and bored.

Do I want to blog? I dunno. I dont think so.

Mark is over watching Enterprise. I am blogging cos I hate Star Trek. Nice being hanging out and not . Like he's around, but we're both just doing our own thing, not entertaining each other or anything. Too weird. It's too close to playing house. But it's good.

I think the Celexa is kicking in to somedegree. Lots of stressful stuff going on, but I am not bi-polaring myself to death. Everything is just kinda even keel. That is a weird feeling, when I know I should be falling apart...disturbing tho, as that is one of the major symptoms of depression, is a general numbness about every situation, good and bad. Bleh.

Brian Regan. Fuckin A.

http://www.y2kira.blogspot.com
Gonna make her a daily read over there on the side, but till then, here it is. Her life is almost as fucked up as mine.

Just got done reading fragmented's blog. She writes so profoundly, I love the way she thinks. I wish I could meet her, I think we would be friends.
Welll...I wrote on Monday that it was imperative that I stay home and clean my house. Well, Mark came over and we decided to hit No Frills for karaoke night, something we havent done in a long time. Man, oh man..what a night. We played a few games of pool and started in on the Caffrey's. Three pitchers and a few shots later, we were laffing our asses off one minute, and crying in our glasses the next. We had a lot of good conversation about "the way things are" and where it's going...or not. I think there have been some changes of heart, but there is still a lot of doubt and confusion. I am remaining pessimistic right now tho, and not hanging my hopes on anything that was said. But let me tell you...it was nice. We didnt get home till around 2:00 or so, and continued some of the conversation there. Told Mark last night that thinking about that night gives me wigglies in my stomach. Good wigglies.

Funny story about while we were there talking. I have this keychain from Dave and Busters, and it's all broken. It used to have water and glitter in it, with a D&B disc floating around inside. Well, first the water all leaked out months ago, then part of it came off and it was just a circular piece of plastic covered in glitter. Well, while we were talking at No Frills, both of us kept fiddling with my keys. It was the kind of conversation where you look at the table a lot, and fiddle around with whatever is nearby. So after about 30 minutes, Mark looks up and goes "Oh man, you have glitter all over your face!" I looked up at him and said "So do you!" We had transferred the glitter from my keys to our hands, and then our faces. Oh man..we were laffing so damn hard, and trying to help each other get it off our face. It totally lightened up the conversation.

I got a really nice email about my website from a guy named Kevin. Totally made my day.

Saturday I am going to see Brian Regan! I am so damn excited...I love him! We may end up staying downtown, no confirmation yet tho. That'd be incredibly fun. I paid extra for preferred seating, so it is going to be incredible.

Today is Amanda's 20th birthday. I can't say I have 3 teenagers anymore! She just got her car in the shop, and found out she needs a new head gasket, for 2K. Bleh! I am giving her some $$ for her birthday, that's what she wanted, but it certainly isn't going to put a dent in that bill. She was severly bummed, but it's all part of life, and she knows that. She is thankful for the good things in her life, and I think that's healthier than anything. I wish I could have afforded to send her flowers or something, but I just cant...Im afraid my car is about ready to bite the dust, I need to get it in for a tuneup right away.

Ok, that's it for now, I feel updated.

"I'm happy...feelin glad, I got sunshine..in a bag.."

Things I wanna write about, but cant now. Later I promise
Glitter
No Frills

Man, why haven't I been blogging? I dont know. I seriously dont know. I keep thinking about it.

The doctor put me back on anti-deps. He seemed really eager to do so, I dont know what that means. I've only been back on them for 2 days now, so I havent noticed anything yet.

KT got her midterm, it is *excellent*. All A's and B's, And Daniel got his too, not...so excellent. Gotta get that boy up to speed, or I dont know what's going to happen to him. Im working on it, you bet.

My love life? I dont know. Lately I felt there was progress, but Im remaining emotionally as distant as possible. I know there are other irons in the fire on the other side of the fence, so Im not delusional by any means. It just seems....I dont know. Plausible.

Saw Emma a bunch last week, man she is getting to be so funny and cute. She is full of conversation and the stuff that comes out of her mouth is so dang hilarious. Her new thing is saying "Nala...?" (She calls me Nala) "I was wondering.....I was thinking..." Then she'll come out with some question like..."I was wondering, if it was snack time yet..." Too funny.

My house is a disaster, Daniels stuff is everywhere, I just got a recliner, and hopefully Joe is on his way out. It will be so nice for Daniel to finally have a room. I have to stay home and get some shit done tonight, I have to.