My house is sooo clean! We got tired of it, and decided to just go nuts. Every room is completely wonderfuly clean. Took Me, Kt and Daniel two solid hours. Even our bedrooms!

Just took a nice big smokin hit of oregano. Dont ask. Fat Tire will be my saving grace for now.

CPD, what is going on there. I have no idea. Nothing. That sucks.

Ive never mentioned RBD, not sure what to say. We have become each others confidantes. No real connection, other than we both struggle a lot. He's local, but no intents to meet, I dont think. Nice to have that shoulder and smiling "face" every night tho. Completely anonymous, I can say whatever. That is nice.

Looks like maybe possibly MrLD being here on the 14th or so is a reality. Man, that would be wonderful. I dont wanna get my hopes up, but am definately looking forward to it anyway. Raul will be here soon too. That should be fun. After that I think he is gone for an extended time. That sucks.

Decided to make a list of things I hate and things I love.

Things I hate
Liars
Phony people
People who don't tell you things to your face
Rap Music
Country Music
Opera
Driving
Companies that spell their name wrong on purpose (Kwik Kopy)
People who snoop through my shit
People who take up two parking spaces
People who swim with a T-Shirt on
People who drive too far back from the person in front of them in rush hour
People who take my picture without me knowing
Shows about airplanes or war (except Vietnam)
Irish Creme Coffee
Answering the phone
Going to bed
Sleeping alone
Doing laundry
Smoking
People who sign off without saying goodbye
Job Interviews
Working
Wearing pantyhose
Parents of brats
Brats
Being jealous
The dentist
My hair
Being shibbayless
Saying goodbye
Watching blowjobs in porn
Female DJ's
Punishing my kids even if I have to
People who dont get my references
Forgetting shit and having to come back in the house
Southern accents
People with bad teeth
Women with ugly nails

Ok, I've blogged all I can on no shibbay. Soon, will post what I love.

New schtuff...
Blech and double blech re: the conversation that ended in the click. Im in check. I am in check. Just keep telling myself that.
Looks like MrLD will be here mid June. The 14th? I dunno - I need to know! That will be incredibly fun, I know we will just be sitting on the balcony drinking beer and talking till the wee hours of the morning. He has become a "rock" of sorts, and I need that so badly.

My goal for the next 4 weeks is to buy a ticket to North Carolina, come hell or high water. For Katie and I both. Someone put in a good word for me to the money lords...please!

Marks dad is here from the UK. Good lord. Tranlator, table 6 please. I love him tho..

Ok, thats it for now. Im tired of bloggin. Now that I am caught up, I will start posting reg'lar. Thanks for being patient, kiddies.

And a few more details...

We had so much fun that weekend, Dave was generous and gracious, more than anyone I know. People just arent that nice.
We found a great carnival, and went there two nights in a row. I think we had more fun just sitting watching the gene pool swim by than anything else. Lots of white trash, and we had a great time whispering our bashing remarks about everyone that walked by. The carnies were entertaining too, and we laffed about them constantly. Safari Guy, the popcorn eater, and the budweiser bottle man. Makes me want to run off and join the carnival.

The sightseeing was terrific, I'm ashamed to have lived in this state all my life and never to have seen most of the places we went. Grand Mesa, The Colorado Monument, Independance Rock, the Balanced Rock..oh, and the dregs of Grand Junction too. Im sure there's a reason they built the jail right in the middle of the Hispanic community of Grand Junction..I'll let you know when I figure it out.

We had a great dinner at Outback, and it ended with a bang, literally. We saw outside there was a huge crowd of people, and both Grand Junction police cars. Some idiot had ran his car into a ditch right outside our window. I tried to take a picture but the cops were giving me a pretty suspicious lookin-over, and I dont need that kind of trouble outside of my own hometown, if ya know what I mean.

I met some really great people, it's so nice to meet someone that actually has a circle of friends. I've missed that a lot in past relationships. I love Carls mom, by the way.

Gonna end the birthday weekend banter here. It was a wonderful get away, that I regretted to see end. Am banking on more of the same. Soon.

Here is the Birthday Weekend Blog..10 days later. shush.
Thurs May 17, 2001
10:13pm

Ok I am at marks house and trying to get my shit together. It’s been bouts of franticism with a little bit of craziness sprinkled in. I have a really bad headache, which is probably due to the fact that Mark was getting on my nerves and then we had a screaming match. Lol, I guess everything is ok now. I am nervous about the interview tomorrow, and about the whole weekend. I guess I shouldn’t be, but I still am. I can tell already this laptop is gonna piss me off. I still need to try to explain the check deal to Mark and he’s not gonna get it and he’s gonna get all weird. Bleh. More later

Friday May 18, 2001
9:15am
I’ve forgotten how to get the CDRom out and put a disk in. arg

I don’t feel like I’m ready for this interview. I’m too preoccupied and I feel like I just want to get it over with. I need to get in the shower and start getting ready but I am unmotivated and tired. Fell asleep on the couch last night and felt so groggy like I was drugged. Still have to work out the check deal. More later.

2:00pm
Sitting on the fun bus – woo hoo. What fun it is to be sweating your ass off. We’ve been assured that the air will come on when we get started. A good mix of people a lot of Hispanics for some reason. One guy a very cute but seemingly “slow” Cuban was talking to me in line. He is going to a monastery in snowmass for a week to pray. Very interesting, considering he chatted me up for a good 15 minutes yet he is going somewhere where he wont be able to speak for the next 7 days. He said he needs to get centered.

The interview seemed to go pretty good. I liked the woman that interviewed me but not sure about the job in general. Some aspects I really liked is that it looks like it’s very self sufficient and supervisor-free for the most part. Able to work from home sometimes too, that would be nice. The job actually seems rather dull but I think I could hang with it for the right amount of money. Gonna write more later, this is making too much noise when the bus is so quiet.

Left my gray sweater at marks. Bleh

**
Just leaving the Denver terminal, this is so exciting. Jim, our bus driver is very nice. Just gave us the run down of all the stops, etc..man they make a lot. Apparently we make a supper stop somewhere oh, Eagle before we hit Glenwood Springs. I would rather just keep on truckin if I had things my way. Course no one ever asks me. Our first stop is Idaho Springs, which will be cool. Maybe I will shibbay up there, dunno. Ok, loggin off for now and gonna put on some serious tunage. Later.

Ok, the stop in Idaho Springs was literally just that. Like a stop at a stop sign. Not a get out and smoke a cigarette stop. He told someone the next stop was in Frisco, in about 30 minutes, I have no idea what “kind” of stop that will be. The driver is having a very loud conversation with a passenger about roofing materials. How long certain roofing materials last, the advantage and disadvantage of each kind of material, etc. etc. Zzzz

I’m extremely pissed off about my hair. I didn’t have time to curl it right before the interview, and there’s been no oppty since then. Tried to go home, thinking I would have maybe 15 minutes but I forgot I don’t have a key. Total wasted trip.

Geesus. I’m already filthy. Dunno how long t his battery will last so I’m gonna get outta here for now and do something else. Nervous about the whole Dave meeting, but nit that much really. I’m looking forward to it more than anything. Wishing I didn’t have to come up completely destitute, but I will survive.

4:30pm –

Just left Vail, wonder if Dave wonders if I will be on the bus. He really won’t know until I get off. Good god, I hope I don’t look like shit. We are having a dinner stop in Eagle, and I hope there is somewhere there to freshen up some. Listening to Mariah Carey right now. Slept through a matchbox cd, that was nice. The cd, not sleeping through it.
Only a handful of people left on the bus, the Cuban, a college student, the roofer, a Middle Eastern lady, a weird lady that is doing word searches, and two other people. I have headphones on so I’m not sure what kind of conversations are going on. Its nice and sunny outside, but the air is definitely crisper. Glad I brought my coat and a sweater. Getting a little nervous about the whole weekend now, but I think it will be fun. I hope his softball buddies are nice, and not to googly about him bringing someone. I have no idea what’s in store for the whole relationship as a whole, but this is definitely an interesting start. The logistics of things could be a pain in the ass, should anything look like it has potential. I really need some shibbay. Hopefully Eagle is just around the bend. Took my headphones off so I could hear some of the conversations goin on. The Cuban and the college student are talking about how Vail is a resort town. The Cuban is very talkative, and like I said before he seems a little slow. It’s hard to put my finger on. I heard him talking about religion to the college guy for a bit, re the monastery. I heard the college student say something about a sect, the Cuban said it was more of a blending of religions. Whatever group or religion he is in, is advocating coming to the monastery for some reason. The Cuban talks about Miami a lot, he loves it. Just ask him he’ll tell you. Ok, over and out for now.

5:25 pm
Wow, really close now. Getting a little nervous. Didn’t shibbay up anywhere, I guess its better that I have all my faculties.

Funny how everyone on the bus now is talking to each other. The Cubans name is warren. There is a very young punk girl that is going to gjunction to see her 3-year-old baby. The banter on the bus is near school bus decibels. The Cuban is super psyched. Oh wow, we are really getting close. I just hope it isn’t horrible. The view is amazing up here and the sun is just right. I should be taking some pictures but I will wait till I am on terra firma. I just freshened up a little bit at our “dinner stop” which turned out to be Conoco. We had 15 minutes to do whatever. I smoked a cigarette, talked to the roofer, said hello to the punk girl and contemplated shibbay. That was my amazing dinner stop. Not a bad trip all in all, coming home will be longer. Coming up here has seemed to go by pretty fast. I only read for a little bit, seems like you don’t really have time to start doing much of anything before its time to stop again. Ok, gonna see if I can weasel my way into a conversation. Probably wont write again till tonight, if then. Thanks for the company…

Sunday May 20, 2001
12:00pm

Wow, what an incredible weekend. I haven’t had the inclination to write or even blog even tho there was plenty to write about. I’ve just been having too much fun. Now I have so much to write I know I will run out of battery before I run out of things to say.

The bus is just pulling out now and I was sad sad to leave. I always get so sappy when I leave somewhere. Man, I dunno if I can even put everything into words. I like Dave so much, and I truly was so sad to see it end. Fuuuuck 6 hours of driving ahead of me. Well riding, not driving. Where do I begin to talk about the weekend. I just want to say first that the whole Dave experiment was a huge success, he was fun, generous, sexy, and so kind and polite. I had a great time at softball and everyone was generally very nice to me. I am anxious to see him again, worried that it will be a long time, I don’t want it to be. The whole thing has a lot of potential, if I don’t fuck it up.

I need to just sit and be melancholy for a bit I think, was crying when I got on the bus, and still having jags of it now. Gonna watch Grand Junction disappear into the distance and try to get myself cheery. Didn’t shibbay this weekend, by the way. Thought about it several times, but didn’t really have the time or inclination. I had too much fun to go home, I know that.

1:51 pm

Just pulled out of glenwood a bit ago. The ride there seemed endless. Kept feeling bouts of incredible emptiness and dread. First off, anyway it’s nice to get away anywhere where the phones not ringing, there’s no mail for you and everything wrong in your life seems distant and unimportant for a while.
Then the realness of what you’re going back to is really dismal.

Ok, the bus. A Lions and his wife, a cute hispanic woman with a walker, a kid traveling alone, looks like about 13. Seems like a good kid, reminds me of Daniel in some ways. He seems kinda freaked out to be traveling alone, but too cool to let anyone know. There is a child on the bus, I couldn’t figure out who it belonged to, then figured out it was the bus drivers. Must be her grandson or something. He’s FOUR years old. Geesus how unprofessional can you possibly be? He’s noisier than hell and running all over the place. When we first got close to Glenwood, a guy behind me – kinda slow and stupid started laffing hilariously at everything this little kid started doing. A really deep belly laff like Joe has when he watches tv. Like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. The kid would say “when are we gonna be to the toooowwnn?” and the guy behind me would just roar with laughter. Now, he just moved to the front seat of the bus where the kid is sitting, and I’m starting to think that maybe that is his dad or something. Maybe not tho, cos if he was, the driver would be talking to him and she’s not. Lets see who else..umm a Native American guy…with a chiseled cigar store Indian face, and a long black braid. Right off the reservation. Havent heard him say anything yet. The guy right across the aisle from me seems the coolest on the whole bus. He’s reading a book about American History, which is very weird cos he seems the type that would be very anti American. He has longish hair in a high half ponytail, khaki pants and sandals. Most of the time he spends barefoot in his seat in the lotus position. For part of the ride he was actually feet flat on the seat, and squatting. He was reading in this position. Reminds me of what they describe as the rainbow people. He was talking to a another guy about trying to find some rolling papers. When we left Gjunction the driver said “you cant smoke on the bus, either cigarettes, or the fun stuff. That’s exactly what she said.

The little boy is yelling “the arrow, the arrow the arrow the arrow”. He is such a brat.

Thought of something funny when we pulled into Glenwood. I saw the village inn, and said wow, wouldn’t that be cool if he were here? Just for fun? I think the thought might have crossed his mind if he drove by the village inn on the way home. But he would have dismissed it as childish. I just thought in my sappy “I don’t wanna go home” mind that that would have been the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me. It sounds like im whining that he wasn’t there, I never would have expected it in a million years, and knew 100% and then some in my mind that he wasn’t there. It was just a random thought that flitted by. I’m still getting a little teary eyed if I focus on anything about the weekend for very long. I’m wondering if the absence makes it seem rosier, but I don’t think so. So strange, tho. Thrown together 24/7 for 2 days plus with someone you dont know anything about. I didn’t even know if he’d been married (twice..i know, I know..) or if he had any kids. I was pretty sure he didn’t have any kids. (he doesn’t) I knew there had been a recent breakup and that it had been painful, but found out most of the details of that yesterday on the Colorado Monument. The mirror image of recent events in my life compared to the story he told made me cry right in front of him. How he handles it and how I handle it is so different tho. Whereas I like to keep everything at hand, he likes to put it in a box and lock it. Thought for a while that maybe that was the only way to resolve those issues, but Dave convinced me that everyone has their own way that helps them cope. Not that I appear to be coping all that well, however.

Bleh – more about that later, the kid is screaming about some damn thing. Mostly he doesn’t talk about anything, he’s just making noise. Words sung over and over in the most irritating voice. Uh oh – a 15-minute stop. More later

Mmm 6 year old cheese on cheese crackers for 35 cents. Cant beat that with a stick. Everyone is reloading. The bus, not their weapons. I think now that the slow guy is not related to the little boy. He played with him outside but there is no relation, you can tell. Nice people on this bus.

Thought I wanted to write more about Dave, but its kinda making me sad. It has the air of an arranged marriage. Like where you’re thrown into an intensely intimate situation with someone you don’t know. I wish I had a clear inkling of his feelings. And why cant I write about or think about the weekend without getting teary eyed. I always try to remember how good the feeling is when something good is going on so I can feel it again when it’s over. It never works, and its really not working now. All I know is it really hurts to think about it being over. It was the best birthday I can remember. Funny how sometimes you feel like someone is being too nice. Like “why are they doing this for me?” And I got that feeling with Dave sometimes, but he does it so naturally that you know it’s pure, and a reflection of his true self.

I struggled a lot with the “should we or shouldn’t we” decision, and ultimately decided we shouldn’t. I was afraid it would turn into a casual friendship, and I don’t what that behind us. If this weekend was all we ever had between us, I didn’t want that to be part of it. It just would have made it feel cheap, or something. And it was so good the way it was. I know I had the oppty and the invitation, but I just didn’t want that as part of the memories of this weekend. I would look forward to it if anything should come of this, however…. I guess I’m getting old and casual sex is losing it’s luster.

I don’t even know where to begin to write about what we did, we did so much. Lots of driving around, which normally I don’t like all that much. I wanna have a destination and just get there. I think tho that driving across the country and looking at stupid stuff would be an amazing journey with Dave. He finds the quirkiest little sidetrips and knows more about the trivial fun aspects of a town than just about anyone, I’m sure.
He knew so much about Gjunction, not just history but the fun facts that most people read and forget. Where the founder lived, why grand junction became the railroad mecca, lots of little silly things. We took some great little detours here and there and found everything from the quaint and charming to the disturbingly rundown parts of town. The parks in grand junction are on every corner it seems, and are head and shoulders above any neighborhood park I’ve seen. They’re absolutely tranquil and serene, and laid out to be so inviting that you can’t drive by without stopping. We sat in one this morning for about an hour and it was great. A couple came by from across the street with their rabbit, and just let him sit in the grass. The girl was in her pajamas still and that made it all the more charming.

I need to write about the specifics about what we did. First he picked me up in glenwood, and we were both a little nervous I think. Went pretty smooth, and we talked like we’d be friends a long time after just a few minutes. We drove to parachute to eat, at a place called Outlaws. More waitresses than customers and still mediocre service. This was my first introduction into the trivial facts Dave knows. He knew a lot of stories about the people that ran the restaurant, facts that rivaled the most watched soap operas. We thought it was funny that there was a lottery machine about 3 feet from our table. Class….. I was surprised at how many people in the restaurant looked alike. All senior citizens, calling every employee by name. The men with a John Deere hat on, the women with big vinyl white purses. Fun place.

From there we went to Grand Mesa, so Dave could show me the petrogliphs on the rock that no one knows are there. We missed a grand photo oppty that I will just leave in the bag. He know what it is. He also pointed out a place where there are shelves in the rocks where wild horses are stranded. I didn’t see any horses, and doubted the credibility of the story..now and then. Lol. More fun facts about every town we passed by. Did you know Rifle is the only town named after a weapon? Well, I didn’t either.

God, so much to write and no cohesion to write with. I’m tired and blah. We just passed Exit 171 near Leadville. We are so lucky to live in such a beautiful state, and so unlucky as to never take the time to really see it. More later

3:14 pm
Just leaving Vail, added a passenger or two. One woman, very blonde and preppy got on and sat right behind the little boy. She has no idea what she is in for. I suspect she’ll be moving farther back any minute. Great someone has just stopped the bus. She is outside and telling the driver she needs to get her bag or something. Now we are just sitting here.
God, this driver is annoying. Oh I see, someone is getting on the bus. Now people are running to catch this bus. 1, 2, 3, 4 people. Great, more people getting on with ticket problems. We have to wait for them to go in the terminal and figure their business out. One new girl, kinda hippy looking just sat by the annoying “am I related to the brat or not” guy..again, she doesn’t know what she is in for.

Oh man the kid just started acting up and the weird guy came forward and said “I’ll keep an eye on the little buckster” He probably likes him cos he identifies with him on an intellectual level. I cant wait to get home and be able to write unencumbered. I think when we pull out I will try to sleep. The driver just went inside the terminal , I guess to see if the new people got their ticket problems figured out. Theres a language barrier problem, I’m sure that isn’t helping at all. She told them a minute ago to get off the bus and go to the terminal and buy a ticket, and he just kept walking passed her to the back of the bus. She wrangled em in finally. The ticket problem people are now on the bus, right in front of me. If he reclines his chair I’m gonna be unhappy. Gonna sleep. More later.

4:15 pm


In the Eisenhower tunnel now, should be in Denver in a little over an hour. I don’t think I can sleep anymore. I wonder if anyones thought about me on the bus. Wondering where I am exactly, and how im faring. Probably not, I’m flattering myself.

We don’t have any more stops until Denver, so thought I would wrap up the on the road part of this log before I actually got home. I have a lot of details to elaborate on, but can easily do that tonight. Strange how when you first leave somewhere you’re visiting, you don’t want to go, but the closer you get to home, you get happier to be going home.. It’s been a total escapist weekend, I saw some great scenery, and met a lot of fun people. And most of all my heart was pricked by a very nice guy.

More at home.

What the fuck kinda messed up shit is that. Sheesh

I know I havent blogged in forever. Bleh. I have so much to write. The main thing is I need to post about my birthday weekend with Dave. I have it all on a disk, I promise its going up in the next day or so. Went out tonight with Mark and his dad who is visiting from the UK. Spent most of the night laffing about tales from when Mark was a kid. Dug a little bit into some aspects of Mark's mom, which I know is touchy, so I didnt go there too much. Heading to bed...promise promise..a BUNCH soon..

Stumbled across this great song. The music is wonderful, but what intrigues me are the lyrics. It's a conversation between a mother and son, the son evidentally wanting to be in the "business" and the mother being..well, being a mother. Download it if you can find it. It's fascinating. Some of it goes back and forth line to line from mother to son, then later..one or the other will have several lines in a row. And no, I didn't figure this out for myself. I read an interview online, and they explained it, said a lot of people were so confused about the lyrics...
Fred Astaire~Lucky Boys Confusion

"You have so many opportunities I never had"
"Don't push so hard"
"nothing is ever easy"
"And this talent that you take for granted, it's a gift from God
"Don't pass it up, nothing is ever easy"

Awesome.

Oh wow - just had something pointed out to me, from a regular blog community reader... Everyone thinks MC is the main Coles camp member. Not so. It's code. This particular someone was sooo confused, knowing the basic story and history, and then putting the Coles camp in the MC reference, and it wasn't making sense. No it doesnt. Cause that's not who that is. Sorry folks. MC will now be known as MX. They know why.

Found my blog on a google search for my name yesterday. That was very weird. I get mail regularly from people who lurk, which is very cool. I am loving the bloggin dealio. I know I will miss it this weekend.
More later.

I cant think about anything I've wanted to write about.
Went to Sheabeen tonight and had entirely too many beers, and am writing this under severe handicap..
Had a lof of fun, met up with Mark and his friend Terry from work. He is the greatest. Very sarcastic, and I love it. Hard to keep up half the time. Was trying to watch the Avalanche game with him and just not getting it. Well, trying to get it, but not really. The more beer I drank the less I got it. There was some guys singing during the halftime, that was incredibly weird. These two guys, one old and gray, and one black, singing old irish folk songs. And everything was a big private joke cos everyone in the bar knew each other. All I know is I have had too many Caffrey's.

Am obsessed with LBC "Fred Astaire". Learned almost all the words in one day. I love it.

I am not coherent enough to write I dont think. I have a lot to say, but no thought process to aid me.

I will write more later, I'm just gonna sit here and listen to music and watch who signs off and on. The standards are always there. Wonder if that's what they're thinking.

Rmembering something that seems worth remembering. Being caught doing it..everyone has their stories. I have never ever been so red handed as that. Poor Chanida. God, and with the vaccuum cleaner cord! Man, I am kinky.

Wow, I am so shocked and stunned. I totally wrote for about an hour, and fucking lost the whole thing. Dont ask. Gonna try to recreate. It's never as good.

As far as last night goes, things are status quo. What's weird is the predictions and psychic things Ive noticed. The predictions I had when the news was dropped are eeking through. I feel like my mindset has changed, and thats good. I think I owe a lot of that to MC. And, the second prediction was completely there, too. I knew it was going to happen as sure as if it already had. But it was much much better. I feel like it's closure now, and that's...ok

Went to Leroys shindig and it was hella, just like I thought. I had too many beers, and had to be told to McSimmer down now! Guess I was talking loud or laffing or something. "sir, you are not at MAC-Donalds but if you were i would tell you to McSimmer down NOW!" If anyone gets that, mail me. It's so obscure. BN will laff. Anyway, we had a great time and got some fantastic pictures. Wait till you see. Im making a new webpage of just stuff thats going on currently. Still thinking about how to do it. Maybe like a "how was your week? And will post my week's activites in text and pics and shit. Is that stupid? I dont care if it is, im doing it anyway. Hell I got nothing better to do. The whole party was great, met Senator Hernandez, and other cool people. Thought WWebb might dip in, but never did that I saw. Why didnt you get me a fucking buffalo? Peasant.

I always start loading napster songs, then start the playing after I've only loaded about 4. So, I forget about it and for 3 hours the same songs keep playing over and over and over till I am so sick of them I could rip my hair out. Except that you dont notice that the songs are playing over and over and over. Then I get so sick of those 4 songs I dont ever wanna hear em again. Sucks, cos you lose all the really good A&B songs. (Cos you never make it any farther down the list..)

Mark and Brad are talking about Brads wonderful new tongue ring and how fun it will be. I dont get it. He's married. He's not that attractive. He's got nothing going for him except the tongue ring?..umm sorry, no..NEXT! And he said "chicks dig it." Ok, so what if chicks really do dig it. They arent gonna dig it on *him*. I mean, Im about as open minded and sexually "free" for lack of a better word, than most people I know. And sure it might be cool, to see what that feels like once...but c'mon. Am I gonna let an unattractive married man do it, just so I can *see*. Not even. Guys do not have a clue as to what women are thinking. And they have no idea how to attract us. That's why they sit in their cars and honk at us as we cross the street. They're out of ideas.

It is almost 4 in the morning. Im hearing weird people singing to my songs. Well, one song. "Dont tell me you love me." (keep waiting for him to say, dont worry i wont) Someone weird is singing at the end. Like when a DJ starts singing over the song. Am I turning into that black lady on tv? Thw psychic? God what is her name. CALL me now! Cleo or something. I should call her. What if she was your friend? You could never have any secrets.

Something I wrote on a notepad last night..during.
**GOD oh God
dont forget to save the fucking thing.**
Get it? The person responsible for the captains log is a dumbass. Questioning my need to save the damn things anyway? Im getting obssessive about it. But they do seem important later.

Critical moments. Sometimes you'll be chatting to someone and you know the next thing they say or the next thing you say is critical. Sometimes its unbearable waiting for the words to appear. Lately tho, the whole body odor and psychic thing has been totally right on. "I hate prefaces like that.." But - I digress... critical moments are so gut wrenching online I think. I will sit in my chair and talk to myself "oh god, oh god....what the hell.." And yell at other people in the house, and seemingly have trouble sitting here waiting for the next words. Feel like I need to get up and walk around. God, thats weird.

What the hell am I doing up at 4am? I still feel like I want to read, too. Well tomorrow is mother's day, maybe everyone will let me sleep.

Wrote a long note to BN. Dont remember what all it said now, but it was important. lol. He lost it but I had it saved, thank god.
Also heard from RC. Very touching, and tugs at my heartstrings. Funny that he lurks, but I like it. I don't mind a bit when people recognize themselves here. Maybe others need to more often.

I am extremely sunburned, but had such a good day. Tooled around in the mid life Chrysler ALL day, hitting about 87 yard sales. Bought Daniel a spirograph. Funny how you want your kids to play with the same toys you had. And got KT a new keyboard, hers was so trashed and i didnt even know. What else. A book, and a bag o cups. TILLY!

Watched Miss Universe last night. I will write more about that tomorrow or at work. It's lengthy.

Im done. I've blogged all I can blog at 4:08am. Why am I up?!

MC is c&g.
Weirdest night yet. Why does every day just get weirder and weirder. Captains Log. That's all I can fucking say.
I have sooo much to write about. But everything is still being weird and it isnt finished yet. When it is the fog will close in and I can think to write. Feeling like closing out but dont think I should yet. I like the message it sends. Just starting... and YES it's as predicted in my head. Choices! Brutal honesty. More brutal honesty. Captains log. The random thoughts I have been compiling are gonna have to wait. Maybe even till tomorrow. Cha. Why does it have to be chA? That's stupid btw No one is going anywhere....

Katie doesnt know her blogger password. That is just beyond comprehension.

GOD, now that the temperature has gone down a few hundred degrees here online... Amazed at how fast I considered going against my own agreement. Im not there yet. I have to think of the big picture. What is the big picture? And what is with this odor? I am so serious about the psychicness of it. Just like the "putting faces to names" skill. I know there is a lot of psychic shit about odors. I think I am smack dab in the middle of one of em. It's so frequent. By the time I forget about it - there it is again. And can seemingly "call" it to happen. Seriously. Its almost too disturbing to write about.

Is now closure time? At the weekend mention? Maybe. Tired, anyway. Will try to make the random thoughts still random after they sit on a notepad all night.

oh GOD where is MC?!?!?!

Hmm no Ss and v. Dunno why. Have a feeling I will tho. It's simultaneous. wow, more later..i gotta concerntrate

Kt's having a lot of trouble posting to blogger. I hope this goes.
Anyway. Kind of a weird day. Hardly any Ss at all. It's v night. And thats....ok (Stuart Smalley) I had something profound to write about when I was standing outside but now I cant remember. Ok, well let's see whats weird about today. The whole CPD thing is kind of weird. Mostly because it's gonna be more than 1 night, more than just a date. Something you do when you've been dating a *while*. But I am looking forward to it, and really nervous about it at the same time. IT's totally risk vs. reward this time. And that just shows you the depth I think the reward has. Enough to take *that* much risk.

Havent heard from MC or MrLD, anxiously awaiting either or both! Talked to Ray for a bit. God, that situation is weird. We dont talk to each other at all when things are shitty in our lives...like during the major withdrawal period. We'll go 5, 6 days without speaking..seeing each other online. Then we will speak up finally and see what's been going on. Inevitably one of us (or more likely both) have had one of those weeks. We react so much the same too. He stayed home for three days. I have a tendency to go home early and sleep through lunch.

Oh I remembered what I thought of on the balcony. The body odor thing. It was really prevelant in my mind right then and the match of it was exact. Personally, I think it's some kind of weird psychic thing going on. How can it be so damn exact, and why now? And why is my reaction to it so positive? It's like a security blanket thing. It's like a grieving thing. A paranormal psychic thing. The positivity of it tho is what is the mystery. Why is that ok, but not DoJ? Strange... very strange

Dan is under an enormous amount of stress and is not dealing with it very well I dont think. I dont know what to do, mixed messages. And I have too many skeletons myself to start digging in other people's closets. However, we are talking about Daniel, so that kind of precludes any liberties given. I dont think the opposite could be construed as nearly as bad.

When is Joe leaving? I need to go watch tv.

Just talked to Dan. He's doing the same song and dance I am this week. They seem to go back and forth a lot more than my situation tho. Seems like mine has an air of finality to it, more than his situation. I hate that, but I have to admit it. Started bawling on the phone, listening to him talk about the end of a relationship. Talked about things we miss with having someone special....Dammit. I cant stop being upset now. Wrote to MC last night that if anything does come up with this again, I want the same accountability that v gets from Ss. And I know that will never happen. God, I hope I can stick to that decision. But the main thing is that I am closed to any other opportunity until I stick to that.
GSprings did not work out this weekend, cos of work. Looks like it is set in stone for next weekend tho. Im jazzed, but very nervous. It will be the weirdest thing I have done in a long long time.
Bleh. Im crabby now.

Blogger is a fucker.
I am listening to "My Friend Peter" at a level normally reserved for concerts and parties with 200 or more guests. It's so cool to be able to sing along loudly to a song that uses the word fuck so many times.

Katie just called from school. We are hosting a college choir student from out of town next week. Is she insane?

Mmm I feel bad, but have to remember what was done to me too. Read where I didn't want to go for a month. But it was ok, albeit a little harsh I thought. And, bits of a mixed message too. Said "From the webpage of someone I care about" which was just above "Now I know who my true friends are." Someone to be cared about, but not a true friend. That's me I guess..(in a nutshell - movie reference for the day)
I guess I just don't understand why you can't re-evaluate relationships and let them fit where they're supposed to. We both had doubts, but still an incredible amount of affection and connection. Why does it have to be all or nothing? Im not healthy enough for that. I do miss him tho, and I just think it's sad that there can be nothing at all. I've extended the hand in the past couple of days. I don't think it's going to be received. I care about him very much and would like to be there for him in some capacity, and would love to have him in my life too. Cha.

Tonight is "no plans friday night" Im actually not bothered by that in the least. I want to rent some movies and just hang out. Daniel will be there, so he'd probably love to do that. Tomorrow will be lazy, hopefully cleaning..then tomorrow night is LeRoy's big shin dig. THAT will be hella fun. Will definately post a pic or two on my site. Sunday is nothing. Bleh. I used to have so many fun plans for every weekend. I like the way things are now tho, I feel a lot more centered.

Only cried for a minute yesterday. Twice.

Emma wont be back until late May, when Grampa Limey comes to town. sucky sucky. Have been promised dinner next week tho, that's something. May head south for a long weekend soon. The invite's been extended a couple times already, and I could really use it.

Ok, gonna work. More later.

I think all I have are random thoughts tonight

First off, the code is getting sooo deep, I am wondering if I will remember it myself. Some of it is fairly obvious to the person involved. But, coded so others that might know 'of it' (lol Jim) would probably not be able to figure it out. And some of it is so deep, its a code within a code. IS that giving it away? Hell no. I'm seriously having trouble keeping track of it myself. Damn, thats funny.

So, he comes over here and starts loading software on my masheen that i specifically said "Dont load that, I dont want it, I dont like it. " And explained my perfectly valid reasons for not liking it. A heated discussion ensues, his attitude being if he likes it then I should like it. Well, I dont. He finally said "fuck you" and loaded it anyway ! Cha. Seriously I was >thisclose< to really being offended. It's not him, per se. Its my machine. I dont think I trust anyone with my pc anymore. Even him. Or maybe especially him. I have everything 'just fucking so' and I dont want it screwed with. If I want something loaded, I'll load it. Hell, I can't even open napster and play a song on *his* machine without some sort of outburst. Anyway, the whole thing is comical. Again, it's not that it's any particular person, i just think I am passed the point of letting anyone ever touch my machine again. It's perfect. Cept for now I have this program on here that he loaded that i dont want.

Ok, the whole body odor thing that's been happening this week is just weird. It's totally infected my brain and I think about it way too much. Thank god no one knows what I am really talking about..god I love my danelle-code. Anyway..the whole obsession with it this week is amusing and disturbing at the same time. I actually am enamored with the whole thing. God, that is *so* incredibly weird.

I need someone to watch movies with. There are a lot of movies I want to see, and movies I want to see again, that I miss having someone to watch them with. I made a big list of movies all day at work as I thought of them, and then at the end of the day shut my machine down and didn't save the damn note. Not sure if it will still be there when I power up, it was on 'stickynotes'. Cha
I know I had on there: Simon Birch, Office Space, Clerks, High Fidelity, Menace II Society, and The Wall. I've never seen The Wall, and I really really want to. Feel like I'm saving that for Mark, for some reason. We've talked about it a lot.

Note to self - (danelle code, of course) Things that I know will make Ss think of what I want them to think about.
Movies - (TW, Mombrmb, CaWa-w)
Places - (SF, mgf, Ret...)
Music (DoJ, 3d, )
Wow, am trying to listen (DoJ), but it's hurting a little. Ooh, I just had to stop it. Man, funny how I can gauge my mood and attitude towards things by the music my heart will allow me to listen to. Funny how i could do it in the presence, but not alone. Wow. Ok, well that songs fucked now. It's my #2 favorite song right now and I can't listen to it. Great, just great.

Instead of looking for an ashtray when I need one, I look for a can. I need an ashtray but my eyes start darting around for a can. Some container with liquid in it so when you drop your butt you've been ashing on the floor for ten minutes into it, it will go out instead of sit and smolder. Then pretty soon the whole room is full of the grossest smelling smoke, and you have to get up and put liquid into the container that you dropped your butt into, cause now it's almost on fire. I am going to quit smoking. Very, very soon.

HTML code is soooo weird. It's like a little guy that pretends to be your really cool friend and then stabs you in the back. The tiniest of errors causes a mass corruption of everything you know and love. It strikes fear into the heart of novice users. It's so moody, so unpredictable. It's sneaky and makes you constantly suspicious, that something is about to go terribly wrong.

Where is everyone, anyway? It's only midnight and the place is deserted. It's been so much MC at this time every night that when they're not here, it's like a ghost town. lol

I have gotten into remixes lately. Ever since BN I have gotten into this weird music. Dance, Techno, Remixes. I wish I knew more good stuff to look for, but I dont know what anything is called! The music is so subjective. If I am in a good mood, it is the greatest. If I am in a bad mood, It perks me up. You cannot sit still while it is playing. It's amazing the amount of alternative versions of songs are out there and most people dont even know it. However, I have noticed that a remix of a song that was originally recorded as a dance or techno song seems pointless, and it never comes out sounding good.

What am I gonna do about MrLD. He'll be in Houston next week, that's still too far. When we first 'met' he was coming to denver all the time, and now ppfftt. The whole thing is just so boggling, mostly because of the 24/38 deal. If that number were different, I think things would seem a lot more urgent.

RC is already gone, I found out today. Wrote him an email hoping I would get to talk to him at least on the phone before he left, but plans changed. Now it's 6/6-11. Not good odds on seeing him then, probably. That seriously bums me out.

The end of May and beginning of June is going to be very busy I think. I'm wiggling into this routine now and remembering when I was gone every night is daunting. lol I'm ready for being alone at the very end of the night. Some company now and then would be very nice however. I just cant see being true to myself right now and entertaining the one on one scenario. The one-on-none scene has it's benefits, too. Depends on the day you ask me.

Hmm...I think I'm done.

The lyrics are just too good not to post.

My Friend Peter
~Alkaline Trio

I dont care
who you've been sleeping with these days
youre outta my hair,
its growing just above my smiling face that I wear
every night I drink myself to sleep
not thinking about you
not thinking about anything at all

I dont care
who you've been dining with these days
its more than fair
much rather be drinking anyways
with my friend Peter
who lives so fucking far away
yet not as far as you
even though you live right down my fucking street

and I'm tired of sleeping with myself
I'm tired, all these drinks and drugs no longer help
im tired of lying about not thinking of you
maybe my friend Peter can tell me what to do

I dont care
who you've been kissing on these days
it's out of my hands
and in my mouth with such a pleasent taste
I need a beer
to wash it all away without a trace
and then i'll drink 23 more
to wipe this stupid smile off my fucking face

I'm tired of sleeping with myself
I'm tired, all those drinks and drugs no longer help
im tired of lying about not thinking of you
maybe my friend Peter can tell me what to do

Just got a free tankful of gas...
Mix 100.3 was giving away free gas at the Auraria Conoco, like 2 minutes away. Ran over there and got "pumped" by the mix morning crew. Damn, that was fun. Also found my ID while I was sitting there in line waiting for free gas. Happiness comes in small increments, to be sure.

Am becoming disgruntled with blogspot. From the blogs i read, so are a lot of other people Was looking this morning at another host, but havent decided yet. My motives are selfish. Who cares.
I forgot to bring my makeup to work today, that incredibly sucks. I took it in the house because of Ron's pet, how stupid is that. Looked in the mirror after his exit and said "oh man, I was looking ugly all night." Again, who cares.

Got very melancholy this morning. Seems I am doing ok with current events, but the past is what is eating at me. "the way things used to be" Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? Im beginning to think not. The memories are too haunting, I think.

Our IT guy has the most annoying laff known to man. What is that?

I have a lot of work to do at work. How did that happen? I have no duties, now I am backlogged. I dont get it. Boss going on vaca for a couple of weeks soon, should be total chill time then. We'll see.

It's almost my birthday, and I have no plans. That makes me sad.

It's kind of a gray day, why is that? Last night when I went to bed I felt pretty good. So many things I want and need to do that are connected to money. I need money. Desperately. I have sent out numerous resumes, talked to a lot of places about PT work, but nothing at all yet. I think I need an answering machine.

I have got to clean my apartment, thoroughly. Even I am getting sick of it.

PS, I guess I should mention a couple of things. Considering doing Glenwood Springs this weekend with CPD. Nervous about it. Having trouble getting Friday afternoon off tho, that will be the deciding factor. He'll be glad he finally made the blog.
Was thinking a lot about RC today. Wondering if he is having fun and wondering if I will see him again soon, but probably not and he will be out the of the country again on Saturday..for a month. Blah. Then back for a short time, then gone for nearly good. Double blah. Isnt he too polite for me? He's so...I dont know he's very bourgeois, which is *most* excellent, and so different from what I'm used to. But just wondering if it is me. And why am I thinking about him so much?
And the biggest thing, is that i talked to BN. Very weird, very good. I was nervous as hell, but it felt ok. Again, i think anything at all is irretrievable, even a trite friendship probably...but it was good. He and MC made a good ending to a good night.
MrLD is as charming as ever. I know in my heart that if logistics were not the issue, something would be going on. For sure. I dont know what exactly...but something. The only thing he and I seem to really excel at is missing each others phone calls. And yet again, here is someone that is rank and file above me on the success ladder. I am not even allowed to know the half of it, I dont think. It's that high up.
I guess thats the up to the minute status of everything. No tears today. That is really something.

Blog, blog..why am i so addicted to my blog?

a good day... the weird phone thing last night tho - not content, but just the fact of. Very weird. Dont know how to take it. Yet.
Had the Coles camp over for food..mm white trash food, too. The best. I wasnt sad at the end, except to see Emma go. I feel good about that.
MC was fun today and tonight. Love to dish, love it.
god, I am not in the mood to blog.
I discovered that I can tell who is signing off and on by what time it is. That's sick.
ok i have to go, I cant blog. Im not focused. more later..soon..tomorrow.

Random things that seemed important to write about:
*I love napster, still. It's like a poor crippled child now, but I still love it with a passion.

*My Friend Peter is the greatest song in the world right now. It's total attitude music to me and it is fitting perfectly with my current attitude. I can listen to it 10 times in a row and never get sick of it. Actually, I cannot *stop* listening to it.

*I have been thinking about BN. I miss him a lot. I think that is really an important stage of what I'm doing. The thoughts I'm having are so profound and melancholy that I know I am passed a very sad stage of what's been happening lately, and looking at the pieces of everything else there is to pick up. What did I lay by the roadside along with my self respect? I need to get my finances in order, see what's left of any relationships I've let slip through my fingers. THe BN one is history but there are other friendships that could use some fostering. Listening to some Good Charlotte, I wanted to have that in the background when I was thinking about him. Heavy deep regretful sigh.

*Was thinking about when Amanda used to fly alone to see Bob when she was sooo little. I used to cry like a baby! Sometimes she was only gone for a few days, sometimes most of the summer, or so it seemed. I get very 'veklempt' when I talk about Amanda and the past. She and I endured, to be sure. And now she is a grown up woman with decisions, and problems, joys and heartaches of her own. I dont know every detail of every part of her life, and she doesnt know mine either. But I am so intensely connected to her, we basically grew up together, she is older now than I was when I had her. I have called her late at night after listening to a song that reminded me of her...just to tell her, well you know...

*I have had a couple of thoughts lately about the aspect of having to choose between friends. What if you absolutely had to choose? Im in such weirdness mode now because of whispers... (ok this next part is TOTALLY "danelle-code" - dont even try) MC would win, because of the sesame seeds in the door. But I just dont know if I can ever completely turn away from Rons pet. I just dont see it happening.

*The whole MC thing is a hoot, anyway. It's like we have too much to say and not enough time to say it in.

*I wonder what Joe is thinking lately. All of the sudden, things are turned upside down, and nothing is as it was before. People are here all the time now, (me) and I spend every night completely in my room, with 11 windows open at a time, music blasting. I must either look incredibly busy, or incredibly pathetic. He knows the score, I just think he's never had to see it first hand. Guys are oblivious to what we go through over them. Joe sees it every day.

*Matchbox20 reminds me of very little...I am so thankful for that. SO much of my favorite music is unbearable to listen to right now. And I really, really love Matchbox.

*Was telling MC how much I love Charlie. Im so glad kt has him, they get each other through so much, and their affection is so evident, and healthy.

*I think it's funny to remember what we did before this. Before we webbed, before we blogged, before we had people all over the world at our fingertips every night. It's an amazing thought, the capacity of it all.

I think thats it.
It's an I look cute day, btw.

Just got a great lead on a PT job from LeRoy - I shoulda gone to him first! Of course, it's at the HOFFBRAU! Going to go home and get dolled up and then come back and talk to the owner. jazzed, very jazzed...

Am also wishing RC would call me. God, what does that mean?!

Blog, blog..do i want to blog. Seems that it has been in the back of my mind to write, but everything just comes out like poison. Maybe I am ready to put some actual vocabulary to my angst. I dunno, 5 minutes after I just wrote that last sentence, I am still sitting here, thinking. What do I want to say? what can I say? Life blows? Umm, when life gives you lemons make lemonade? God, is that trite or fucking what. Well, I am definately not making lemonade, but I am just beginning to feel the very slightest bit better. Not a lot, a tiny...tiny...teensy bit. It's different than usual too....man, should this feel "usual" at all? Should this be something I am so used to that I can compare each time to the last? Now that ladies and gentleman is pathetic. Anyway, when this has happened before, I have either blocked out how incredbily horrible it was, or I am coping much better now. I think it's both. I try to think back to the worst of it, last July...and I remember bits and pieces of certain days...one in particular, the "tami" Saturday we'll call it. That was one of the three worst days of my life. That's when the dream first shattered. But the chinks in the armor werent showing then, like they are now. And yet here I sit today, still spit polishing the chinks so they dont show to the world so much. God, I am into analogies right now. The whole Michele/bonbon analogy was so prophetic last night. Anyway, I feel more positive energy, more strength, more resolve. I hope it's not just bad pizza. I feel like I've almost reached the road. Man..reaching the road. That has been my own personal analogy for so long. Im going to describe it in detail, so i never forget how I compared the horribleness of things to crawling to the road.
My Crawling to the Road Analogy
I picture the first part of the horribleness, whatever it is... as crawling over big jagged rocks sprinkled with broken glass on my hands and bare knees. It's like it's so excruciating, but you just have to GO. Then soon there's no glass, but still crawling over big jagged rocks..then the trek evens out a little and the rocks are smaller, eventually becoming smooth flat pebbles. Your arms and legs ache, hands and knees speckled with bleeding wounds. But the road...the road I need to get to - is just up ahead. I can picture the last leg of the trek, up a hill on the smooth flat pebbles. I'll often think about where I am on my way to the road when I am in the middle of crises. Right now, I'm almost to the hill. I can hear the road, but I cant see it yet. God, am I a total weirdo or what? Funny, that little aspect of me that analogizes (word..or no?) where I am in my healing.


I dont know if I am staying up late lately because I really am doin stuff, or if i am afraid to go to sleep. Ive always been the type of depression ridden adult that likes to stay awake during bouts, rather than crawling under the covers. I dont like the feeling you get when you wake up and everything sucks, so think I'd just rather stay awake. Lately there has been good reason in malcolm, but irregardless, I need more sleep. Listened to just a little bit of music today. I actually have a file of mp3's at work called "safe". That means that they are relatively safe emotionless songs. Had to turn a couple of songs off the radio, but did have it on, at least. That is a marked improvement from yesterday.


Ok, so where am I. What am I trying so desperately to say. I am not feeling normal, but I am remembering what normal feels like.

No Music Days

There are certain days that are so particularly horrible, they become "no music" days. Days when the slightest melody is too painful. No song is acceptable, no lyrics are comforting. Every note and word is excruciating. Only someone who understands music and it's impact can understand what that means. Music is so integral in every aspect of my life. The right or wrong music seems incredibly crucial to certain situations. And SO many songs become associated with events and people and feelings, that when things go wrong, the music becomes unbearable. Its hard to explain.

Today is a no music day.

I should have added...my evening with RC was great. It's too bad logistics are so screwed up there, cause there could be some potential. MrLD is a pinprick of sunshine in the pitch black, too. I sincerely wish logistics were in my favor there, soo badly. So among the severe gut wrenching angst there is friends, malcolm especially. Friends are the only life coursing through my veins today.

Fuck it, Im writing anyway. If its incoherent and fucked up, fuck you. Hold on, it's gonna be a hell of a ride.
I am SO tired of hingeing my happiness and contentment on the fucked up thorn in my side. What is there to lament over? Plenty, Depending on which part of my being you ask. My head sees liar, cheater, phony, self serving preservationist, butcher, baker, candlestick maker. My heart sees everything I ever wanted, and there is no comparison. My head says find some self respect and get your shit together. My heart says crawl under the covers and cry till the tears are gone and my breath stops.
Why is the heart so much louder? Shut the fuck up and let the head speak, asshole.

I cant write today. I want to, but I cant. Im too sad.

Blech - its snowing and so icky outside. I dont even feel like writing cause I never do when I feel like this. Just blah. Lots of validation and affirmation from "Malcolm" so thats nice tho. That whole thing is weird, but I think it's one of those "for a reason" deals. I know this is cryptic, so what...this is for me to rant, and you to figure out.
Back to the same square one that I've been to a few times over. Trying to make myself agree that it's the last time. Things to miss tho, and those are what bugs me.
Having indian food with RC this evening, probably wont see him again for a while. Should be fun, I wish I felt better, more chipper. Bleh.
There is no shibbay and I just want to be sitting in the tub, that's what i want.

Saw this on a blog..i love it (If it's yours, let me know and I'll credit you, I didn't write down who's Blog I saw it on.) It fits today, so Im posting it.

Blame me for this night
I can’t turn off the light
Cause I am scared of the dark of tomorrow

Shall I live in solitude so as to avoid
The hurt I seem to cause you
Just let me know and show me
All I should have knew

I pray tonight
That I will find my way to tomorrow
In the same breath of prayer
I hope tomorrow never comes
And even though it feels so late tonight
I forget that I am so young

Sail me away to some reality
Won’t you introduce me to destiny
I feel like I have found part of every me
Now I just wish I could find the rest of me

I am accompanied by friends
But which ones hold me back
Are there friends I don’t need
Are there friends that I lack

Blame me for this night
Because my fingers are weary of pointing
Please don’t forget the roots of my distress ( so as you might tell me someday)

Please let me shed this skin
I’ve grown smothered and deranged
Give new innocence and life
Give me a time to rearrange

Please find help or send it
This is distress, this is SOS
Godamit is anyone listening
My life is such a mess

Today completely and totally sucks. News that floors you, and no money to comfort-shop. Life sucks. Everyone is a fucker.