Double breasted mattress thrasher.

There was an old man downstairs here at work. He was standing by the guard desk, Sandra was there. I'm not sure what he was doing, he had all this luggage full of crap..mostly papers. He said they wouldn't let him shave at the courthouse, so he came to the library to see if he could shave here.

His name is Harold Baker and he's 72 years old. He told me about his life in Texas and Oklahoma. Said his dad was a baptist preacher and that he had houses all over the States. He started pulling stuff out of his bags..cause he said he had something for me to read. Turns out it was his "resume" - I use the term loosely. Mostly it was a shitty typewritten (not computer) piece of paper listing all his jobs since 1940! He said where he came from, they had a term for women like me.

"We called em double breasted mattress thrashers. And I dont mean that in a bad way, darlin."

He said he wanted to marry me, and that he had more money than I could ever spend. (Don't count on it). He gave me his number, and said that when he gets his Social Security check that he wants to take me to lunch and then "somewhere else." Meanwhile he had this little trail of drool coming down the right side of his mouth.

Jeepers.

One other thing. I don't know why...but I really really hate team blogs.

They are usually inane, non sensical, "fluffy" and the poeple just end up talking to each other about stuff we know nothing about. I like to read a blog about a person. A life.

I know it's just me, and there's probably a gazillion people out there that have team blogs, or love team blogs. I just read a couple tho..and decided I hated them so much that I had to post about it. I stumble across them occasionally, and I really do give them a chance. But they're just icky.

Ceiling Time. Pillow Talk. Whatever you call it, I hope you are having it.

Mark and I have a wonderful knack for laying in bed and coming up with the deepest and most meaningful conversations. We talk for 2 or 3 hours sometimes. We talk about our relationship, our kids, work, recent events, whatever. It's the best part of my day, truly. Last night we talked for about 2 hours and it's just so...I dunno..cleansing. We talk about what we like about each other, what we like about the way things are now, just everything. It's impossible to describe. It's a reflective quiet time that I cherish. Sometimes we save conversations and bring them up just at that time, cause they fit best there. We get clarification, affirmation and understanding that I think a lot of people are missing in their relationships. I call it pillow talk..Mark calls it ceiling time..cause some of the time we are just staring up at the ceiling. I love it..and I hope we always have it.

Emma's party was a rousing success. We were a little worried at first about numbers, thinking that maybe it was going to be a small showing. Some people that we counted on coming didn't...and that was worrying, but it turned out terrific. Lots of good friends and people that really love Emma. That's what was nice. These people spent their Sunday afternoon just being there for Emma. I was surprised to learn about things that people had cancelled, or forgone in favor of Emma's party. Mark was extremely nice and complimentary to me, and during our ceiling time last night we talked about how well we got along and dealt with everything, and how reflective that is on our respect for each other.

Emma got tons of cool presents. It was funny, she got lots of really nice stuff...but then in the end, all she wanted to play with was a spiral notebook and crayons that Katie and Charlie got her. Isn't that just like kids? Buy them a $100 present and they turn the box into a playhouse. Katie was great, she even offered to "helium - a - nate" the balloons at her work. Very cool. Thanks, bug.

I'm in a weepy mood. Not sad weepy. Happy weepy. Life is grand, and it's getting better every day.

God, blogger is just irritating.

Things are so good, I'm just wondering when they all fall to pieces.

Everything isnt perfect of course. I have no money, and Im totally stressed about Mark's birthday, which I can't explain, too bad so sad.

Im starting a major weight loss campaign. I totally have it all worked out. Now I just have to do it. I feel really really motivated, tho. Maybe just maybe I will post some sort of log here about it. God, I cant tell you people what I weigh, tho! ack!

Im too speedy to write. Must go home and clean.

I hate being tired early on the weekend.

It's only 10pm and already I am feeling lethargic and unmotivated. We have spent the entire day getting things ready for tomorrow, Emma's party. We had to make two trips to Mark's house for things we needed there and had forgotten, etc. He's so ill it's all he can do to stay awake, and yet he had to traipse around stores for 3 and a half hours today, getting all this stuff. It's gonna be fun tho..I can't wait.

Emma spent some money her Granpa Limey sent her. That was a riot to watch her buy whatever she wanted at Kmart. She picked fun stuff tho.

Daniel is with Dan, that's a relief sometimes. Daniel is hard to take 24/7..which is why Dan couldnt deal with it. The few nights here and there that he is gone all night are nice. Dan was so nice too, he let me meet him at WalMart in Littleton rather than drive all the way up to Conifer. My car is such shit, it is literally just days away from breaking completely down I think. Im dreading sitting in the office at a Car Dealership and waiting for my credit to come over the wire. Groan. I can always go to Rocky's and get a car for 28% apr. Yay.

achtung, baby. Speaking of which, ,where were you Friday, Casey Jones..sir?

We should treat sick men like Anthrax.

You do not want to be anywhere near the entity known as the ill male human. They are selfish, whiny, grumpy, sleepy and illogical. They do not understand that at one time, we too...were as sick as they are now. They also do not understand that there are people who have been sicker than they are now. Life marches on. Things do not come to a screeching halt when they have the sniffles.

I love men, I really do. Especially this one. But next time you're sick, I'm going somewhere...else

Well the PO appointment went ok. We've nicknamed the Probation Officer "Soft Talkin' Steve". He's thin and soft spoken, and has a really hairy chest. I think he probably has hair on his back.

The Coles clan is here, which is evident from the subtle whining I hear coming from kt's room, where the VCR that Emma uses is. She's a total movie hound. I think she's just having a bit of a dad-clingy time, since they just got here and I haven't seen her in a while.

I have a raging headache.

Charlie is here with kt, I guess they're gonna take off pretty soon. Friday nights are usually spent in Northglenn. I wish they lived closer.

I'm blogging one liners, that means I have nothing to say. I'll try to be witty later.

I'm trying this little tagboard thing that TaTroyer has on his site.

I'm still tweaking it, but I think it works. I'm trying to figure out the refresh deal. Ohhh..Trent! Help, please.

We'll see how it goes. It would be nice to see a little shout out from some of you that visit. But then again, the pekingnese will probably get ahold of it and it will be full of obscenities and hateful "bitch" remarks. Basically, you leave me a message and I answer it..and everyone else can see the messages too. Tada. We'll see. Use it. Let's see how it works.

'S Friday, It's gorgeous outside, Im at work. Which of these things just doesn't belong?

Such a busy weekend ahead, it's gonna feel like no weekend at all. Run halfway to Conifer twice, for Daniel to go to his dads, Take kt to and from work several times, shop with Mark for Emma's party, etc.etc.etc. I should have taken Monday off. I think I am taking next Thursday off. Stuff I gotta do for Marks b'day, you know. Friday will be screwed because we are having a Staff and Board retreat ALL day..then cocktails at night. Mark is coming down for cocktails, will be nice to get a head start before we go out for his birthday. Free drinks. Who doesn't love that. And it's gonna be so swank, too!

Our board members are all very nice..but they are the true monetary pillars of this community. I see their names all over the Society page, and The zoo even has a whole new section that is funded almost exclusively by one of our Board members. One is the president of a big bank here, one is Chief surgeon at U of C Health Sciences. A few are partners in law offices, and some just have money. Funny that. Why can't I just have money.

I've accomplished little this evening. Slapped a few new pictures up on my site. I talked to Michele on the phone for a long time, that was nice. I hope when some moms read this they can take it in the motherly spirit in which it was intended. I hope they thinks it's funny, and not a dig. Cause it's not. There's no book for this shit. You learn it as you go along.

We laffed our asses off about a ton of things. Mostly "the past" as usual. We got on a long rambling conversation about kids birthdays. Michele is doing Emma's Hello Kitty cake for Sunday. We were talking about the party..and she asked what it was gonna be like etc. I told her we were grilling burgers and stuff, and that the party was at 2pm. Dead silence. She said "but.." I said "I know."

See, something "we" both know (3 kids each, thank you very much) is that a 2pm party means you eat at home first. When your kids start getting invited to parties and when you start having birthday parties, what time to have it and what to eat becomes a major focal point.

So you have to think about what time it is. Think about this. If you were to send your kid to a birthday party at 2pm would you give them lunch first? Of course. 2pm means cake. Noon means food. 3pm means cake. 6 pm means food. 7 pm means cake. People will come to a 2pm party fresh from just having lunch.

It's no huge deal, of course. Most of the people there will be adults and we'll eat anything, at anytime. It was just funny that Michele and I had the exact same thought about it.

Then we started talking about birthday parties our kids had had. Disasters, and successes. She mentioned one where one of her boys turned 16 and Hank had gotten a motel room. Im thinking ..."Oh cool, so the kids can party and there's no clean up." No. HE got a hotel room. For himself. So he wouldn't have to deal with the party. Hilarious. I told her the smell of 15 girls in sleeping bags in your basement is unmistakable. It's a stuffy, french-whorehouse-perfumy, body odory smell. I told her I remember many parties where I told the kids afterwards "Next year, you're going to the movies, and that's it. No party. lol I always gave in tho.

I remember a party Kt had once. Maybe her 13th...14th? I dunno. I remember Dan was working nights and he had been being a real asshole. So the party was at night, but we had to have it totally cleaned up by the time he got home from work at 11pm. We were doing ok, then some jackass shook up a bottle of pop in the kitchen and opened it. There was soda freaking everywhere. Dripping off the ceiling, the walls, you name it. I was livid. That was one of those "dont even ask next year" nights. We got most of it cleaned up but Dan still freaked out about everything anyway. I think he found some confetti or something ridiculous. He was such a downer.

I'm going to bed to read. Reading a couple of books, one called "Black Boy" it's an autobiography of a boy that grew up dirt ass poor in the south in the 40's. Very good. Also reading "4 Blondes" - given to me by a co worker that wants to know what I think of it. It's a slow read, I really hate fiction. It's by the author that wrote (writes) Sex in the City. I wish I had some popsicles. I like to read and eat popsicles.

Nite all.

A submission I made at Caption Machine made it onto their front page. Awesome. Go look.

These people going out of town are messing me up.

They are tearing up the parking lot right across the street from where I work, and it's actually very interesting to watch.

They only started 2 days ago, on Wednesday. When I was walking in to work they were just starting to pull up trees and pillars. By mid-day we couldnt tear ourselves away from the window, they were nearly done ripping up the concrete already. Today they were scooping up huge pieces of concrete and dumping it into a big dump truck. Not like a dump truck. Like an 18 wheeler.

There is a big chainlink fence up around the site, and I noticed something today. Guys stop and watch these construction workers work. Lots of guys. They line up along the fence ..with their hands raised and hooked into the holes of the chain link and just watch. It's funny, really. They look like little kids. Im not sure if the attraction is just the big vehicles, the noise, the dust, or what. But they like it. I just wish they weren't putting up a damn sculpture there. We are losing a huge prime piece of real estate in downtown Denver for a sculpture. It's like a block square, seriously. Please.

Board (bored) meeting today. Groan. Got home at 5:40 and Daniel immediately wanted to go to the store. I finally sat down around 6:10. I hate these long days. His first PO meeting is tomorrow. Cross your fingers. I get the impression from the phone calls Ive had already with this guy that he really doesn't give a shit. One of the first things he told me was "I've got a 250 kid caseload". Oh....sorry about that. Maybe you shouldnt flip your lid everytime you catch a kid with something that maybe could have possibly held marijuana at one time. Get a grip.

Today was Take Your Daughter To Play With The Hole Punch Day. That's really all it is. The only thing we accomplish with taking our kids to work is insuring that they will not follow in our footsteps and do the same job we do. They stand around and are bored in 5 minutes. They discover the 3-hole punch and make confetti. They play solitaire on the computers and just generally annoy everyone. By the end of the day the only thing that is ingrained in their minds is that they will never be caught dead doing what we do.

Staying in tonight. Bummed about that. Maybe will just tape Survivor and watch it together later. I don't think it will be near as much fun if I watch it alone. We'll see. I probably won't be able to stand it..then Drew will come in tomorrow all gushing about what happened and I will have to shuush him. That's no fun. Time to forage and fog. More later.

There was a special Survivor on last night. Awesome. Regular Survivor tonight. Bonus. We also watched The Amazing Race. We're reality tv junkies.

Lots of fun stuff going on. Emma's birthday party is this Sunday. I can't wait! I hope a lot of people come. Talked to her mom briefly last night, all seems calm there. Im so glad. We will likely never be "girlfriend" status..but I think that's ok with both of us. As long as we are more than civil and can hold some assemblance of friendliness, I think that's all that matters. You cannot imagine what a relief that is for me. Maybe her too.

Then there are other celebrations on the horizon too. Mark's bday is coming up, and I think I have that situation under wraps. Crossing my fingers about the whole thing. He visits here occasionally, so obviously I can't divulge what the actual present "is." Should be fun tho. And something he needs, too.

My birthday is hopefully going to go unnoticed. Ssh.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program.

Chicken shit, just like I thought. You don't have the gonads to confront me personally. You know I'd rip your head off and shit down your neck. Just remember this - once a cheater, always a cheater. Of course he's still looking. All you have to do is look at yourself and your sad existence to know that. Those feelings of insecurity that are eating away at you night and day are not paranoia. It's reality. And they won't ever go away. You'll never be able to be comfortable not knowing where he is, will you?

Sad, sad..little pekingnese.

Pekingnese face - what are you looking for? Why do you visit here so many times a day? Are you hoping to find some secrets? Are you hoping to catch me with your husband? Why do you continually affirm yourself as a fool by messaging us as someone else..what d'ya say...'Carmen?'

Here's a clue for you. Get a life. Find something to do with your time. Put some makeup on. Get a hairstyle. Get a job. Help support your family. Quit bleeding your husband dry of monetary and emotional resources. Be a real mother. Pay attention to your husband instead of to me, and maybe he won't look elsewhere next time he feels trapped.

Maybe you should start your own blog, it's really quite cathartic. Or be really brave and write me an email and explain yourself..redeem yourself. Prove you are not as whacked out as we all think you are.

I really don't care that you spend a good amount of your day here at my blog. Whatever turns you on, as they say. I just don't understand why you find it so appealing. Living vicariously, perhaps?

I befriended you once, remember. You chewed that up and spit it out. So now I assume your motives are foul. How do you think I know how many times you've been here? How do you think we know you are 'Carmen?' You cannot be trusted, you are being treated like the psychopath you are, and you are being watched.

You are not normal.

I have no idea if this is posting or not. I cant open danelle.blogspot. only blogger. Someone shoot me.

Was having a weird chat with an anonymous messenger. Thought about posting some, but it got pretty inane. Made new webpages. Bleh. Ready for the couch.

I just realized who iowa telecom is. Nevermind.

Btw, who is at iowatelecom that is reading so much? Clue me in...

Blogger was such a fuck today. I couldn't get in at all at work. The Horror! Gonna shake and bake and then post something wonderfully profound and deep. Or not.

This guy could get interesting. I need new daily reads.

I'll follow it for a while and let you know if he ends up..over there, with the good ones. *wink. I added a new one today, it's cool. He posts a lot, which is more than I can say for some of you!!!

I need a comments thing. That would do it. Not a guestbook. Okie.

I've been thinking about putting a guest book up here again. Took the old one offline when it was over run by pekingnese. Thoughts?

I'm just loving this song. Sincerely Me, by New Found Glory.

Dear your name here....
It's been a long time, very long time
Since I've heard your voice
And I bet she never thought I was
So sorry so?
I've had a hard time, very hard time
Seeing less of you...
Dear I forgot your name again...
Just picking up where I left off
(Oh yeah) This is the part where you leave me
So sorry so?
I've had a hard time, very hard time
Seeing less of you
I never thought you knew
So can you see
You're seeing less of me darling
And you're blind to the fact that my
Heart stopped beating
And I'm as good as dead
This is all I have to say.

I just read those lyrics after I posted them and wonder if they make any sense whatsoever. Maybe not without the song, you know? Go get it. As Amanda would say "it makes me snap".

Katie brought me a soda when I went to go pick her up from work. That's the one fun spot in going to get her every night is my wonderful cherry coke with real cherries in it. A lot of times she gets food and brings it home and it's always the same thing. Every.single.night....the same. It's some fajita wrap thing. It looks gross and smells grosser. She has an opportunity to bring home food from a restaurant every night, and then she brings the same thing night after night. Insane.

I've worked on my website every day for the past week, at least. Added a few new things, but mostly tweaked and fixed stuff that was messed up. Compressed all the pictures, so hopefully the pages will load fast. If I didn't have a pesky job, keeping up with everything would be so much easier.

Oh. I just opened my soda that Kt brought me from work and there is a green olive in it..not cherries. Someone is soo funny. lol

I did make it to the grocery store and the bank. Even did a load of laundry. Amazing. Gonna chillout here I suppose and then head over to Coles territory after while. He's leaving here soon to go work on a pc at his house. Not something I'm keen on being present for. It's not so bad when we're here and he's doing his own thing..it's my house..there's lots of things I can do. But at his house Im limited. No extra pc (plenty of those here), limited movie channels, no network tv, etc. etc.

Dreading going to work tomorrow, although whenever I'm there I don't mind it a bit. It's Board meeting week tho, that's always harried and busy. Also means a very late night on Thursday, that sucks butt. I'm thinking about starting to take the bus again..the drive is ok but the parking is really getting ridiculous. They closed down a big lot near us to make room for the Art Museum expansion, so now everyone is going to our little $4 lot. I've gotten there at 8:15 some mornings and it's already full. My hours are so wacky, taking the bus could really be a problem..but I'm still thinking about it.

Girls are calling for Daniel. Actually they are calling for "Dan". Apparently that's what he's going by. I remember I was so confused the first time a youngin called for him. "Is Dan there?" I'm thinking... "Hell no, fuck no...what would he be doing here?".. Then the immediate realization that Daniel is now going by "Dan". groan. He's so handsome, though...I hope he does get a girlfriend...eventually. The girls at work say "girl, you better watch that boy..he is cute!" I'm just thankful they don't look like pekingnese, like some kids I know. Botanic Gardens, anyone?

I've missed Casey today. Will have to play catch up tomorrow. Wonder if he had a "NeverRest" weekend. Gonna ask if I can post his journal..it's well written, and frequently updated. achtung, baby.

I took today off, the second in a series of comp days for the endless hours i put in at the booksale. Nice. I love having Monday's off. No real plans, I need to get to the bank and the store, that's about it. Laundry should be on the To Do list..but we'll see.

Emmas had a nice birthday I think. We went over to Terry's in the afternoon to fix a pc, and she had a lot of fun there, cause they have a tiny (8 weeks) baby. She had a meltdown when it was time to go. Surprise surprise. lol We gave her a few small presents and I made a cake that we let her decorate with icing in a tube. Lovely. She goes to her mom today, and will likley have another pseudo birthday. she'll be primo happy about that.

I IM'd my mom the other day. That was weird, but good. Nice little chat but then I had to go into a meeting, of course. I guess I should go see her. I miss my dad, but that conversation is harder to start. Why..I dunno. Just is. Why is my family so fucked up? Can't we all just get along?

I had a couple of new "Recommended" blogs I was gonna put over there....but they're only updating once a week, if that, so I changed my mind. I still have a couple more I'm considering..there's such good writing going on out there in blog world. Mostly I get turned on to good blogs from people that write me email after visiting here and include their own blog link. Real life is better than fiction, for sure.

We played Scrabble again last night. We've gotten i nthe habit of playing almost every single night now. Ticks me off th o, Mark always has some wonderful run of luck and wins head and shoulders above me. He has a knack for using all 7 letters and getting that bonus 50 points. When I used to play with my mom all the time, seems the winning was pretty even. Mark and I have been Scrabble for a couple of months now..and I have never won. Never! Infuriating. Yet I keep playing.

I've done so much work on my web site today. Lots of messing and tweaking.

Tomorrow is Emma's 4th birthday. Most of the festivities will be next weekend, her party is on the 28th. She brought me an invitation but then wouldn't give it to me. lol - She doesn't get how the process works yet. I got her lots of great little stuff and some fun daisy wrapping paper. Mark got her two baby mice and the whole set up that goes along with. It's fabulous and she loves them.

Im unmotivated to do anything else today. At all.

Happy 4/20!!

The pekingnese faced one has made a recent appearance.

She sent an offline IM to Mark as "Carmen"..asking for a chat, a hook up..whatever. It only took a quick IP search to figure this one out. We had a nice laugh over it. I have no idea what her motive is, apparently her life is still so empty that she needs to continue this nonsense. I thought she had mangey kids to homeschool, or take to the zoo, or the botanic gardens or some such shit. You know, in lieu of actual parenting. Someone should tap her on the shoulder and tell her how it really is. It's too bad that he is trapped in that lowly miserable existence. With a few minor adjustments and some re-training he really could have done much much better. I know why the caged bird sings..

Amazing how getting your own life leaves you with little time or inclination to meddle in other people's. She could always take up electrolysis. There'd be plenty of work for her right in her own backyard. Eek.

Long live the hairy anteater.

Daniel's friends are scary.

Some people think Kt's friends are scary. Kt's friends are harmless. They just want to sit around and vegetate in front of the stereo or tv for hours on end. Daniel likes to go "out".
"I'm going out for a while"
"Where to?"
"Just out.".
It makes me wonder what they're up to. Are they getting in trouble? I once walked up on Daniel and his friend Frank, and they didn't know I was there. I wasn't hiding but they didn't know I was there for a minute. Frank was talking such trash, but not about anything in particular. They come to the door and Daniel leaves with them and I always hope they aren't doing stuff they're not supposed to be doing. They really are scary looking.

Reality check, please.

Tonight Daniel came in after being "out" and said "Those guys are such jerk offs. They're so stupid."
I said "What happened?"
"I dunno, they're just stupid.".
He's not telling me.
"well they must have done something".
"They just do stupid stuff." Arg.
Finally, he says again..
"They do the stupidest stuff"
I'm thinking...they're throwing rocks at cars. They're smoking pot. They're breaking into houses.
"Well, tell me what they did.."

"They like to knock on people's doors and run away."
...
lol.

I'm worried to death they are running from the cops every five minutes and in all reality they are playing Devil On The Doorstep.

Brother.

Thanks, Sharon. Whew.

So, how weird is it to be having a pseudo conversation with someone through our blogs? I don't know how many daily readers she has (a huge amount, Im guessing) and I have about 30 or so a day (who are you?) So that means that at least 60 or so people are paging back and forth between our blogs seeing what the other is saying. That's fucked up. But hilarious too.

Here's something weird...
I have discovered since I have gotten to an age of understanding that my basic personality is that of a voyeur. This has been a revelation of huge proportion..because I see how much it totally defines who I am.

Evidence: Favorite tv shows: Survivor, The Mole (gone now), Fear Factor, Worlds Worst ______ (insert noun here - - drivers, criminals, vacations, jobs), World's Wildest Police Videos, Screen Savers, Cops, Weakest Link, Six Feet Under, Jerry Springer (well not really, I never get to see it but when I do, I love it). - All most every single show is reality based. And these are virtually the only shows I watch.

Most watched tv channels: TLC, Discovery, History, Tech TV, MSNBC, etc. - Reality. Information.

The Books I Read: Almost exclusively non-fiction. Biographies, True Crime, etc. books of late (within the last year) are Black Boy (autobiography), Fred and Rose (True Crime), Angela's Ashes (autobiography), The Ryan White Story (ditto), The Road to Wiggin Pier (yup)- I really have no taste for fiction. I read very, very little of it. Some, but not much.

Favorite electronic toy from my adulthood (also gone now): A Police Scanner. - This was entertainment to the nth degree sometimes. Last year I tried to get a job as a policee dispatcher, and came very close...but I couldn't pass the lie detector test. True story.

What do I do in my free time? Blog, read other blogs, look up interesting things from shows I've watched (usually from the discovery channel), search the internet for interesting pictures, peruse webcams, and read forums. Lots of forums. - Real people.

I think some of the greatest comedy is practical jokes, ala Jerky Boys, Roy D. Mercer..etc. If you haven't heard any, download a couple. Priceless. - Reality Comedy.

Nearly everything I choose to do in my free time, has to do with being a voyeur of some description. (markism?) Additionally, I can personally be quite nosy. And I have been known to gossip from time to time. lol

I have saturated my time with reality based choices to such a degree that I think I have become desensitized. Disturbing sites with pictures of violently killed dead people really don't bother me all that much. You can search for any damn thing you want to on the internet. Dead babies? Sure.. Car wrecks?..more than you can count. Suicides?..yup. A guy (alive) with his face missing and his eye hanging 3" from the socket from walking into the path of a subway?...Right this way. I've even watched "Faces of Death" (gasp.) Parts one and two.

Weird, huh.

Dear Sharon -
Oh dear, please tell me you aren't offended? Intense treatment to an American means you've actually taken self-therapy a step further and have gone from St. Johns Wort to Celexa. I hope you don't think I've meant anything hurtful or hateful..or derogatory. But real treatment..does get intense..no? I am so happy at your "corner turning." You go.

Im sticking with this template for now. So much better than all the purple shit going on the last couple of days. I want to design my own template. In time.

I know, the template is still gross and ugly. I am leaving work in just a few minutes and gonna go home and fix it there. Blah. Drew is trying to get me to stay and help him with his work. chA. Like that's gonna happen.

I stumbled across this fabulous site - Caption Machine. It's funny as hell..they post crazy pics and readers post their captions. Like when the kids and I used to go through the newspaper and write stuff above people's heads. I think I'm gonna yank some of the pics there to use here and on my site. Check it out.

I'm going to do something about this template at work tomorrow. It'll be good.

Funny, and inane. My chats. What did I do before chatting? God, I remember being so addicted to chatting when I was home at night and Dan was working. Where was he working? RTD, I guess. God that job sucked. Sucking Bus fumes all night in a garage. ANYway, I digress. Chatting. I am so into it. It's just the greatest thing since sliced bread, so the saying goes. Just had this one with Casey. mwa.

Me: ooh, i just got undressed...and re dressed. Love that
Me: I have to dress up so damn nice every day.
Casey: yeah, me too. I wish I could wear jeans everyday
Me: fridays i dress down..jeans, polo, boots
Casey: *sigh*
Me: no?
Casey: nope. They only have jeans days here for the occasional fund raiser. Costs $3 to wear them one day
Me: Man, how do you keep from committing suicide.
Casey: it's not easy
Me: everything in your life would make me insane. No wonder you're on anti deps.
Me: I can say that and know you're laffing *with* me.
Casey: you're right
Me: did you like what i wrote about you?
Casey: yes, I did. Thanks,sweetie
Me: do you think it's true?
Casey: yeah, probably
Me: i dont think we'd ever even fool around, do you?
Casey: right ...might just once, but that would probably be it for that
Me: and why did we not talk to each opther for so long?
Me: what was THAT about
Casey: I *think* that was mainly when I first left my job at *** and was working at home all the time.
Me: yea, that was the catalyst i remember.
Me: but even then, I saw you on all the time. Well not all the time, but I did see you, but we just didn't talk
Casey: Fell out of habit probably. Nothing more than that
Me: I suppose. Now I cant imagine not talking to you tho
Casey: me, neither.


Is that the nicest?

It's only 9:20 something and already Im having such a good day. I had a nice drive in, listening to New Found Glory and having not too much traffic problems.

Came in a little late, Gail is off site this morning doing who-knows-what. I walked in with Robert, the cute black guy from WHG. We have a mutual friend in common, Lloyd, from Auraria. I realized this morning that they live together, and I think that probably means....well, you know. That's cool tho. I always said I needed more black friends and more gay friends. Black and gay at the same time just makes it more consolidated. I really like him tho, he's clean cut, very well spoken and cute. I'd like to get to know him better. ANYway...

Then Dawn stopped by my desk. She's a cute little hispanic guard here. 30 years old, divorced. Every other word is "ways out" We could get in some serious trouble together..we've hinted at going out..but who knows. You know how that is.

Today is Board packet day. Someone just shoot me in the damn head.

Saturday is 4/20. Nuff said.

I just realized I've spelled commitment wrong all over the place. Know why that is? Cause at work i type the word "committee" about 600 times a day. Fuuuck.

Be wary of committments. Get them in writing if possible. Clarify, clarify, clarify. That's the lesson of life for today, kiddies.

Where I thought there were some, there were not. A sorta kinda committment is not a committment at all. And if you have to put a gun to someone's head to get it...who wants it. Better now, tho. I think clarity has been established, and boundaries have been clearly set. Now if I could just get over my weirdness. Believe me, I have weirdness. Hard to believe, huh.

Am running to "Casey" more and more. That's a comforting place for me, and there is a lot of good advice there. Nice to have the male perspective without all the junk that goes along with it. Maybe the distance makes that possible, I don't know. I'd like to feel like I've been there for him sometimes too, but I really haven't. Not like he has. We went through a span of a few months where we didn't talk to each other at all, I don't know what happened. But we started back up again, and now I feel like a lifeline has been established, maybe where there wasn't one before, even. We joke that it's a good thing we don't live closer, but I don't think that's entirely true. I don't think either one of us wants anything more than we have now except an even closer friendship. Anything else would totally ruin it. And he's too chicken anyway! I swear I don't know how he puts up with that woman, she drives me crazy and I don't even know her. And now her boobs are all fucked up. I don't wish ill will on anyone, but c'mon. Isn't it allowable to smile at the devil's misfortune? Just a little? I just wish it didn't affect him so much. That's the sucky part.

I really just want to be happy. That's all I want to say.

oh this template. I just don't know.

I don't blog at all for weeks, then all of the sudden I'm blogging all the time. It works that way sometimes. Go figure. I mean it, go!

So many decisions in the fire right now. Some good, some not so good. Some are not so good but will be very good down the road. Cryptic enough for you? The malcolms are hammering out final thoughts and it's really not very fun to witness. Especially since I've been knee deep in the muck myself, a couple of times. The bottom line is, no one wins, really. Some win now, some win later. No one is jumping up and down and yelling "yay!". There will be pipers to be paid. It's just not a pretty scene, and it is life changing for all, and that is scary as hell.

Had a fucked up day off yesterday, but it turned out ok. Kt and I thought we had our ducks in a row to go get her permit. This was try #4. She had had a ticket (not driving) that she neglected for a time, and it has come back to bite her in the butt, big time. Last time we were in the DMV they said ok, you're ticket is taken care of but now you have to have insurance. Well, I didn't *have* insurance at the time. Now I do. So we went back yesterday. "tada!" "INSURANCE!" Ahem..no. The insurance has to be in Katie's name. "but she's covered on my policy...I asked my guy." "nope" In her name. Oh God! Just shoot me now. We waited at the freaking DMV for an hour and then get told to fuck off. I called my insurance agent and said "I need to add Katie for a month so she can get her permit". He said "you cant get insurance if you don't have a license...she's covered under you." Yea, I know...I explain further the wonderful policy of the DMV. He agrees to just fax me a proof of insurance with her name on it. Hallelujia. If it doesn't work this time, people are going to be mowed down postal style. Seriously.

Then went home and settled in to be bored outta my mind. Coles wanted company, so I went over there after watching Fear Factor, going to the store, picking up katie, and bringing groceries in. Then I got almost all the way to his house when I realized I had packed a sweater for work in the morning, but not a skirt. ACK!. I had to turn around, and didn't get there till 9:20. Ridiculous. I think they're coming over for white trash food this evening.

Ok, time to work.

Oh man, and he thought it was his fault. Putting off the inevitable some more. I gotta write *something* back.

Things are really smooth and nice. Change is good.

I have to blog about Saturday night. I got an email from Michele asking us to come and play pool up north at Pinke's. Then we decide to do dinner at her house too..steaks on the grill and beer. Wonderful! Since we were gonna be out and about up north, I asked tj63 if he's come too, and he was of course non-committal. But he came and I was so happy! He stayed late and even went out to breakfast with us.
Pinke's was absolutely insane. There were 3 bands and they were all totally screaming metal maniacs. We were the only ones without surgical stainless steel in our faces. The songs were called "Fuck You" "Hate" and "Get The Fuck Out"..to name a few. At one point the lead singer pointed out his grandparents that were in the audience and they gave the Ozzy devil horn hand sign. Good god! You really hadda be there. I don't think we'll be going there again any time soon. And 3 bucks to get in, a dollar for a cue, and then 75 cents a game. Highway robbery.

You do *not* want to get caught heading south on Dayton and hit the red light at Orchard. It is the longest red light in human history.

You can see the light from some distance away, and if it's green, you just know...you just know. You are going to be it's victim today. It's gonna turn red just before you get to it and then you are trapped. Trapped in a time warp of eternal red-lightedness.
The timing is obviously off, they couldnt have possibly set it to be that long. but it's been like that forever. I keep thinking to myself that I am going to write a letter to whoever is reponsible but I never do. And I only think about it when I am sitting at the light, of course. It's the kind of red light where people who don't live around here wonder if the light is broken. They sit and wait, they wonder, and then they start inching out into the intersection. They are sure the light is broken, and that makes it ok to run a red light, as everyone knows.
But it seems just when you think this light couldn't be functioning properly, it changes. Today, I was just a few car lengths away from the light when it turned red. I couldn't believe my bad luck. It had been red a good few seconds, when a white truck came barreling through the red, heading north. The cars that had just started to head east or west on the green were honking like insane people. I know they wondering what the hell this guy could be thinking, running a blatant red like that. But me, I knew. He knows this light....

I added a new little feature to my imood dealio over there. If you click on it, it has a little bit of text explaining my mood. Zzz. I know. I'm just playing. I can't get my pic to work. Im so stupid.

Geeks in the mirror are dumber than they appear.

I have some new readers that are confused. Sorry about that. People are evil. Not everyone can know everything . If you want clarification, (god that term haunts me) write me, I will scan your IP Address, check your profiles and then decide what you need to know. Kidding. But not really.

The Friday morning fiasco...wasn't. I am shaking my ahead, I'm ashamed of myself. Breaking his heart breaks my heart. But it's not all me. All I have done is stalled what is to come...and to make the explanations all that much more hollow.

I feel like I have been trying to recover all week from the "I'm going to knock you down to get to the books" booksale. We were worried that we didn't advertise (Telemundo doesn't count)..but puhlease. We couldnt have handled any more people. Since when did readers become so brutal? I added a page of pictures from the booksale to my website, but it really doesn't do it justice. You can't really get the feel for the noise, frustration, and confusion that was the "Kill Your Neighbor" booksale. I loved my volunteers. I had the greatest volunteers on the planet. I wrote a letter to the DPL Volunteer coordinator after the sale, thanking her for her efforts in getting these people to help us. Corey, AJ, Joe, Bob, Cynthia..all fabulous.

It's Friday night and there's no one here. It's strangely comforting. Am I starting to enjoy my own company and solitude? You're kidding, right?

I have to change Fragmented's link. When you start thinking your life is unbearable, go there. It will give you a whole new perspective on how sane we all really are. And how insane everyone else is. She is...how can I say this? In Intense Treatment most of the time, and yet her thoughts are the sanest of anyone I know. The clarity and rhythm to her writing is enchanting, and always leaves me wishing there was more to read. She's larger than life.

oh my god. I posted a bunch and its gone. I hate blogger so much.

Weirdness...

That other one called, and I'm so freaked out. For a year it's urgent, then it happens and I'm like "oh. Nevermind, I can't do this now. I have this other thing going on that is really really important and this has to come to a grinding halt. For now." (dont ever burn your bridges). I have put it off the inevitable until Friday morning.

A Doctorate. *sigh...but it doesn't even compare.This important thing is really really important.

Put on your waders. The code has to be deep.

Not sure exactly what happened, but I think something did. I wanted to hear more about it, but it just didn't come up. I think it will soon, there's a lot of discussion that needs to be had. What will the changes be? Will there be any? There has to be some, or it doesn't make any sense. I don't want to be confused.

The Spring Used Book Sale was this past weekend. An operation in insanity is what it was. I put in about 45 hours in 4 days. I feel like I am still recovering. I've gone home early every day and just slept. I am taking the next two Monday's off. We made 60K tho. Awesome, blossom.

Have been reading some good blogs lately. After I get the go-ahead, gonna post em over there and revise my list of must read blogs.

I have a senior worker here at the Library that comes in on Wednesdays and Fridays. She's pretty good, she follows directions and seems to be able to keep up with simple tasks, but oh my god does she smell. It's not so much an old lady smell as it is a greasy diner smell. Do you know what I mean? I can't even begin to describe it. IT hurts my nose when I am around her. Gail said I need to tell her, but I just can't. What can I say? You smell? It's in her clothes too. When I walk by the closet that we hang our coats in, I can smell that she is already here. Drew says her whole house probably smells like that. She smokes like a fiend, I wish I could smell cigarettes on her instead of this other odor. Advice, people?

Guess that's it for now. Be safe, kiddies.

*sigh.

Who knew it would ever happen? I wish I had someone to tell.