Im getting ready to go into my exit interview.
"Why are you leaving?"
"Cause Im drowning in debt and I can't even eat on what you pay me"
"We'll give ya another dollar"
"No thanks, I'm good. Later"

Should be interesting. I need to smoke first. More later.

I really liked Jack Lemmon.

"What the hell are you? You're a fuckin' secretary! Fuck you! That's my message to ya; fuck you and you can kiss my ass and if you don't like it baby I'm going across the street to Jerry Graff...period, fuck you."
Shelly Levene (Jack Lemmon)
~Glengarry Glen Ross

He was born in an elevator because his mother kept refusing to leave her bridge hand, which apparently was very good. Died yesterday of cancer at age 76.

R.I.P. baby...

Permission to post, Sir. Permission granted. Blog away.
Ok, so last night I was in the bathtub, bubbles and all. From the living room at CampColes I hear "Shit! shit!" I rolled my eyes initially, anticipating an overreation to a trivial event as usual. Then he runs in and says he's got superglue in his eye. No explanation. Since there had been imbibing occuring earlier in the evening, I assume the worst, thinking that brits cant hold their liquor (contrary to what they say), and he has mistaken the oh-so-plainly-marked tube of superglue for eyedrops. I bail from my wonderful soaking and examine the damage. Yup. There's superglue in there. We scrape, poke, prod and flake for a good amount of time, until he is satisfied that it is out. He then proceeds to wrap a dishtowel around his head, one part of it covering his formerly glued eye, for a makeshift eye patch. He kept calling it an "aayyye patch, like a pirate. lmao. I wanted so badly to take a picture, but knowing full well that that request would be adamantly denied. I cant even describe what this looked like. It was somewhere between Fidel Castro, a turban-head, and the kids that wear their visors sideways. This made his depth of field all whacked too, and it was amusing watching him try to focus. This adornement slash first aid thingie remained for the rest of the evening. Needless to say, my edginess subsided...for a little while anyway. Turns out he had cut the top off a crusty tube of glue, and it had ejaculated. What a shot. I think I fulfilled my role as Florence Nightengale however. Kudos to me. I did get back in the tub tho, and finish. You can't half bathe..it's just not done. Not even in America.

Garage Sale-ing this weekend. I am there.

Found this blog that I like.
"This morning I found the remains of a snatched purse on my front lawn. It was a pink, plastic deal, with a debris field of cosmetics leading to it, like the miniature handbag crew was desperately trying to jettison extra weight as it plunged helplessly out of orbit"
He needs some personal info off in the sidebar or something tho. I had to search for contact info, but found it.
Good bloggin.

What is going on. Is anything going on? Why can't I come up with a nice "topic o the day" like mecawilson. Do I need to constantly drone on and on about how much I love his blog? Yes, I think I must because it is worthy. The fact that he's fiercely handsome ain't bad either. I get to work in the morning and this is my computer routine.
Log on to AIM
Check Hotmail, answer
Check Outlook, answer..sometimes
Read mecawilson, fragmented, and plastic girl(plastic girl is grounded for shoplifting, so she cant post this week. lol
By then I am usually inspired enough to blog. Most of my first posts of the day are around 9 something in the morning. And look, right now it is 9:53am. Oh, I do check my voicemail too, usually right away, but the only voicemail I ever get is Cheryl or Freddy telling me when they're gonna be in. Snoozorama. Sometimes i get this too: "cccchhhhhhhhhhhhhcccccccc" That's what static sounds like when you type it out. I don't know why I get voicemails of static. It's weird. Last week Mark hit his redial button or something on his phone and I got this 4 minute message of him driving. Coughing, driving, changing the radio. I was waiting for him to start talking to himself. That could've been very interesting. He does talk in his sleep tho, so that can be cool sometimes. The other morning he said "Uh oh, what spilled?" I lift up the covers to see if indeed something had "spilled" then realized he was dead asleep. Cha. Too funny.

Saw this on a website about pets somewhere:
"Is it normal for a 10 week old puppy to occasionally eat it's own fecal matter?
Why wouldnt someone just say "Hey my dog is eating his own shit, is that cool or not?" Fecal matter? Reminds me of that skit on Saturday Night Live. Anyone remember it? God it's so funny. They are having a talk show and a guy comes out that has invented a pair of glasses (Fecal Vision) where when you dim the lights you can see if you are washing your hands properly, cause the fecal matter residue will glow. He says "Now when the lights dim, inspect your hands closely, you may be able to see tiny specks of fecal matter where you are not washing your hands thoroughly." They dim the lights and everyone is aglow with fecal matter. It is smeared all over their mouths, their arms, hands and crotch. God, that makes me laff.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

This song makes me cry today...

"Bad Day"
~Fuel

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."
Spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note it said, "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

Ok, so anyway. here i sit..broken hearted, tried to...oh god nevermind thats so gross. Remember that poem?

Im watching Mtv2 and blogging. My life is reduced to this. Actually it's worse. I have no dignity Im thinking. God, I feel stifled now.

Katie is gone until at least Monday, possibly tuesday or wednesday even. That blows big fat chunks. So I reduce myself and be miserable. Trying not to be, but am. Friday is payday, that will be the highlight of my week. My month, maybe.

We had a nice little send off at work for me today. All my buddies were there and I got a little sad. Krispy Kreem saved the day tho! I trained Kara a little bit in the eccentricities of how things are around there, and how to keep people happy and the place humming. Left early, and honed up some captains logs for transfer. eep.

Tomorrow night I have to work at Americas and am dreading it like the plague. Hello, Im stupid. No, I dont know anything. Let me find someone who does. Goodbye.

Im in too pissy of a mood to blog. I need to go watch a movie and do something productive. Cha

Blog, you are not at MAC Donalds...but if you were, I would tell you to McSimmer down now..!"
It's important.

Raul: I'm sorry I didn't notice when you came back online.
To answer your question, I also feel lonely sometimes. I know how important is to have someone that will hold you and kiss you and that will care for you everyday in your life. That kind of relationship goes on and off in my life so I'll be patient until the woman of my dreams walks into my life to stay forever!
Receive a big hug and a loving kiss! Keep the good spirit up!

Someone will be very lucky to snag Raul someday. sigh...

Where the hell is BN and why hasn't he returned my stuff? Dropping off the face of the earth is acceptable, taking my shit with you isn't.

Just had lunch with my sister. It was fun..well as fun as it could be I suppose. She said the dreaded words "I read your Blog" eep! Bah, I dont care~it's me...in a nutshell. (Movie reference!) She's going to Lost Wages next week. Im jealous!


Tomorrow I have to train the temp that will be doing my job after I leave.
Here's how you access the internet
Here's how you sign on to AIM
Here's how you sign on to ICQ


Ok thats all for now. Im bizee!

Funny

Friday is a go. Im jazzed. Gotta change my mood indicater doo wooby jobber.

I had a bumper sticker on my car..It said I (heart) PORN. Someone stole it. Did they want it or were they offended? That just blows. Now I will have to go all the way back to Freaky's and get another one. Maybe I will buy one of these too:
What dy'a think?

Another day, another dollar and 45 cents. Whats my mood today? I haven't decided yet. So far Im ok. We'll see. I think I need to get angry, that's always productive.

America's called me last night, I start working on Thurs night. 8:30 to close. good god, I am going to be a zombie.

Our accounting department constantly tries to make us think they are funny, instead of accountants. Read this email I got this morning:

This e-mail is to introduce to you a number: 2350

Since the time when incentive awards were first authorized, we have asked you to charge them to object code 3295, called, strangely enough, "Incentive Awards".

As one of accounting's customer service attempts to help you shake off the boredom and ennui of mid-summer, we now announce a change of this object code to 2350. In order to maintain some shred of stability in your rapidly-changing world, this new object code 2350 will be called "Incentive Awards". After a detailed study we concluded that the old name was appropriate for the new object code number for several reasons, not least of which was that this new object code, object code 2350, was going to be used for incentive awards. That's object code 2350, in case you missed it earlier.

Since you've read a lot already about new object code 2350 for incentive awards, I suspect that you can hardly wait to close this e-mail and start converting your incentive awards to their new object code, 2350. Or, at least, you'd rather do that than read another three paragraphs on why we are changing incentive awards to object code 2350. So I'm not writing an explanation. If you really want to know (you don't) call me up and I'll explain it. Then get someone else to call for an explanation and compare notes to see if I gave each of you the same answer. Some days I'll do most anything to hear a human voice, even talk about the new incentive awards object code, 2350.

You may begin using the new object code right now. See; instant gratification.

Whacked, totally whacked.

I am having lunch with my sister today. I dont even talk to my sister. Is she going to "talk" to me about something? She's on campus for a class, and called me to join her for lunch. I'm totally suspicious, but also totally on board for a free lunch. I hope I'm not in the depths of a depressing moment at lunchtime. Could be. Ploblee.

I went to bed early last night, and still got up feeling tired. I might have locked the kitty out of my bedroom, too. I didn't see any accidents anywhere tho. We think he was farting last night cos we kept smelling it and there was nothing. Kt did not believe that animal farts could smell so bad. Joe set her straight. One of the blogs I read regularly..her cats name is Fuckles. God, that is so damn funny.

Ok, I am off to do some real actual AHEC related work. Wrote Mark and asked if we could tear it up Friday. Waiting for that email. Hopefully that wont dictate my day. Dont let it. You are woman! Roar!

I have spent the grand portion of today in tears. Why? I don't know. A hell of a lot of reasons. This is not a good day. Not a good day at all, and it's getting worse.

There are people outside my office in the park. That isn't unusual, I work on a college campus, so duh... but these particular people are pissing me off. Young, obviously bf/gf goofing around, rolling in the grass and laffing. Do these people only exist to make me miserable?

Just heard I cant leave early today, everyone else is leaving early. Oooh, that's how it works. I get it. Sorry, I forgot..I mustv'e missed a meeting or a memo or something.

My mood has gone from bummed to downright bitchy.

Had a "this is why I feel like I do" conversation with CPD that went nowhere. Those embers have been officially pissed on, I think. Ever piss on a campfire? Damn, it stinks like fuck.

I want to go home and...and do what? Look at my empty cupboards and fridge? Look at my atrociously, ridiculously messy desk? Sit in front of my pc and wonder what to do there? Watch Joe watch my tv? Listen to the same fucking songs I listen to everyday on napster? Wish I had a life? Sure..sounds good.

Street hotdog vendors are messaging me. I tried not to be a bitch.

tomj7: cewl! we live in the same state!
tomj7: where bouts do u live? im in downtown denver
Star: i work downtown, live near DTC
tomj7: thats a long trek!
Star: not really, about 15 mins
tomj7: i woik on the mall... in fron of sunglass hut, selling hotdogs...
Star: interesting...do you like it?
tomj7: very interestin, losta crazy/different people... ive bin at it fer around 6 years. its not too bad
Star: good money then?
tomj7: 30 a day... i woik part time
Star: hard to make a living on that i suppose
tomj7: i am on disability (im bi-polar) and thats enuf with job to keep me goin.
tomj7: so u dont like trucks, eh? i dont drive... havent since 87
Star: no..dont like trucks... why dont you drive?
tomj7: im a real "asshole" driver... should not b on the roads causin accidents
tomj7: oops, fergot to tell u where i live... i live at 16th and stout
Star: well that makes it very inconvenient for your friends i would assume tho
tomj7: sigh, yes... unfortunately
Star: well we dont have a heck of a lot in common, so I think I'll do the polite thing and tell you it was nice talking to you and good luck
tomj7: thanks fer yer time.
tomj7: sorry if i waisted it
Star: np
tomj7: l8r g8r

Oh wow, I went to read fragmented
and she had listed my blog as one she'd been reading recently. How insane. But incredibly cool. Does anyone even understand what the hell I'm talking about half the time? Maybe the title of my blog gives me license to be obtuse. My blog can't possibly be interesting, it's so choppy and incomprehensible. Someday, I will have a blog that reads the same day after day: "Life is wonderful, I have plenty of money and I'm deeply in love."

This is what he said to me last night when he called me:(btw I knew he would call me)
"You have the same problem I do, you have people queing up outside your door wanting to be with you, but none of them are exactly the right one" Cha. He thinks it's the same but it's totally different. None of them are the right one, cause I have already found the perfect one, but he continues to look, ignoring the perfection. So I am forced to keep looking, discounting everything because what I want is right in front of me, accessible yet still out of reach. Accessible for convenience sake, out of reach for anything meaningful. Why? Because he says so.

God, why do I keep writing about this? Distance, distance. I need to make some emotional distance. Let's say it again, kiddies for the 800th time this year.

I am considering posting a link to kt's blog. It's so wonderful and funny..but she is afraid of family members reading it. Are any family members reading this shit? My sister is the only one that could possibly, but I feel it's unlikely. If we had any sort of assemblance of communication I could just ask her. Let me think about it for a few days. If anyone really wants to read it in the interim, I will certainly email you the link.

Found some "Saves the Day" lyrics that I really like. Im d/l ing the song right now. Hope it doesn't suck.

Holly Hox Forget Me Nots
~Saves the Day

Somewhere under water maybe you could find my heart
'Cause that's where I threw it after you had torn it out
Three days ago
The doctor told me, "Every skyline and every night spent alone
Are tearing you apart."
Maybe I should get some help
Maybe I should fly out to Montana
I've heard it's quite quiet way out past the electric lines
Out where no one will ever know my name
Oh, I've had it now
I'm walking down to your house
I'm banging on the door
Please, please, please, Mr. Hox
Won't you tell your daughter I'm all alone
And I'm not handling this well
You never know just what you have
Until you get it yanked out of your chest
Well that's it
I'm walking to the water
I'm standing on the bank
I'm staring at my reflection
Oh my god, I look pathetic tonight
Well, guess what
I'm diving in this river
And I'm fishing out my heart
And I'm never gonna let you get your hands on this again.

Man, winmx fucks up my machine so much. It could be a cool site, great access to mp3's. Too bad it sucks.

How close am I to removing CPD from messengers and such? Incredibly. The sarcasm and inability to commit to a weekend is extremely annoying. I'm wondering why I continue to persue it at all. This is the last thing on his list of important things to do. I think I'm pretty much done. I deserve better.

I have decided that I am going to NCarolina and Maryland when I get my PERA. Should put me there around mid August. Kt wants to go. Rock on, we will have so much fun. I've checked some fares..do-able. Definately do-able. Guess I better alert the folks there.

More later, I think today will be a massive blog day, since I'm so damn depressed.

Am playing with this daily mood indicator dealio. Pretty cool.
Today my mood is:

I'm at work, my last Monday here. Tomorrow will be my last Tuesday, etc. Very weird. Trying to transfer all my pics and stuff from my work HD to my server. Everything keeps stalling and pissing me off. I havent touched the mp3's yet. oh bleh.

Kind of a blah day, nothing going on, nobody fun around. I really need to meet some new people. Where? There isn't anywhere. Im feeling today again like "ooh, there is no one in the world for me". What a damn whiner. I get so blue thinking about this crap. The only thing I truly want is unavailable. It's so good when it's good, but there's just that close mindedness that wont go away. I know he knows it's good. I dont even want to think about it right now..I just need to get through this day, and the next, and the next.

God, it is close to payday and I just don't know if I'll make it. We're down to the bottom of the barrel. I even took my nails off. 12 years of wearing nails, and I took em off. Just for a week or so..they were in sad shape, and I just can't afford to do it this week. They look weird..feel even weirder. My typing is so silent now.

Im too bummed out to write. I need to go home.

I had to go back and read a whole shit-load of my old posts, the code is shallower than I thought. Anyway, nothing I needed to change or felt like I had to. I've been open and honest about what bugs me and what doesn't, and it's honest and static here. No surprises. Kt flipped, she said "oh god, you have to go delete some posts". But Im not.

Today was pretty fun, we got up and all came over here for a swim. Emma did soo good and she loved it. She had a healthy fear at first, but snapped right out of it. I'm so at home swimming, it's like second nature. So we all got nice and toasty then the Coles duo hadda leave for the hills to return the baby to it's Mama!

Ok so then me and kt went to Goodwill. We got nice and silly before we went in, we were just giggling like madwomen. We got a buggy and they had these 15 foot long poles attached so you couldnt take em out of the store. Soo crazy. So I pushed that around for a while, but I was so damn conspicuous I ditched it. So she finally finds some pants she can live with, and we get up to the counter and the building has been struck by lightening and all the electronics in the store have gone out. The Bulgarian lady at the counter didn't know what to do so she went and got this butch looking manager to tell everyone "Sorry folks, cash only" Kt and I were like great...that's what we have. So we hustled on out of there with some snazzy new pants. I didn't find Jack.

We still had to go to King Soopers, and I almost got lost coming home. I hate that damn area right there, I just cannot get the hang of it.

Remember the Bay City Rollers? God, what are they doing now? Now that's a show I would like to see on VH1. I bet they're all losers. I loved em tho, had very close seats at a concert....when? I have no idea. When I was an idiot, apparently.

What is with my mouse? It is clean..clean..and it is still screwing up. Great, I need a new mouse now. Bleh.

Joe goes out and gets so trashed on the weekends that Sunday he just lays on the couch all day. He barely grumbles before about 4 or so. Then he starts watching a little tv and giggling about shit. If we want to watch tv we have to wait until he goes to bed unless we wanna watch what he's watching. That's so strange. It's my house. He's intimidating. It's the whole steroid abuse thing..he's unpredictable and scary.

I'm just gonna leave my blog open while I surf and record random thoughts. Cha.

I wonder if the 4th will be fun. We have plans but no destination. Should be fun. Could be. Might be. Ploblee.

And remember Sifl and Ollie? Man that show was great. I was so hooked on watching it. I remember the one where the guest didn't show up so they had their own fake talk show, and interviewed each other. One of em said he was an inventer. He had invented Dancing, Backyards, paint and dirt. That was insane.

Ok, I have bored of blogging. I am going to pester Joe and find some fud. Mwa.

Saturday, Saturday ever loving saturdayyhay!!

Man it was so freaking hot today. I dont know what the temp got up to, I think around 403 degrees. But it's a dry heat.

Went downtown to the Buskerfest. Shoulda have been called Busterfest. It was sparse and not too impressive. Maybe it was just too hot to enjoy. Fun to get out tho, especially to somewhere free! Free is good.

Im camping at the Coles again, dont know if I am staying all night or what. We went to the park after the busterfest and then to my house. While we were at my house I was wishing I could just stay there and veg, let the fog roll in and be lazy. But my car was over here so I had to come back. Told Mark I didn't know if I was staying but now that I am here I will likely just stay. Ploblee. Mark is heading for the hills again to play with Grizzlette Adams tomorrow so I cant go to drop Emma off again! Blah dee blah. I could care less about the Grizzlette, I just wanna go! Actually I think I'm just about Coles'd out for the week. I know I will regret saying that by about Wednesday of next week, but what the hell. I really need to smoke some shib. Chronique! It's been a hell of a week I feel like..Emma has run me ragged. Have I been here every freakin night this week? I think so. chA

What's with mecawilson?, He's only like updating every 3 days or so. I need to read something from him every day or the days just arent complete at all! I wish he was a columnist or something so everyone could read how wonderful he writes. i want to go hang out with him, and get stoned. Very very stoned. I know we'd laugh our asses off, and pull people's sweatpants down to their ankles when they didn't expect it.

The whole Dave thing is just so incredibly weird. It's like we totally dont get along online, but are still persuing this for some odd reason. We both must be gluttons or something. I am anxious to see him again, it's just not happening at all. His comment about "you will find someone that understands you" or whatever it was, was a total brush off. "You'll find someone someday, but it ain't gonna be me".


Ok, guess Im done. Im hogging the brits masheen and he's pacing.

Karen left me this voicemail last night:

"Hey. it's Karen, I just remembered a movie you might like. It's about Siamese Twins and its called Twin Falls Idaho. Ok, that's all, and I'm never talking to you again." She's mad that I'm leaving. cha.

My blog is everywhere. A 13 year old girl from Maryland that left me a guestbook entry has linked me on her blog. That's weird. I should send her the link for kt's blog but I'm too lazy.


Dave: So negative about it. Women can actually get more attractive as they age. A happy woman is
a hundred times more attractive than an unhappy one.

Star: agreed

Dave: Right now you can't see past the bills and that drags you down. You go from feeling
great one minute to leaving the car running in the garage the next. It's not your fault
because money does that to all of us. As those difficulties go away, you'll start to
really live again and then that's when it will happen.

Star: money is extremely depressing when you dont have it

Dave: yes it is. So some guys you meet now will tell you that you're whacked out because of
the mood swings. It's not you - it's the bills. The right guy will understand that.

Star: i just tell em that's what makes every day interesting

Star: and i write like that, but dont behave like that generally in person

Dave: But it's how you are really feeling and that's gotta come out sooner or later.

Star: sometimes...most dont see it.

Bottom line. The one person I think I could be interested in thinks I am a) whacked b) unhappy c) depressed d)poverty stricken and e) moody.

"Depression hotline, please hold"

The people at the 7-11 on Dayton know me better than the people at the Phillips 66 by my house. They call me by name. The people at the Phillips 66 are stupid and ignorant. I go in there at 7:25 in the morning and there is no coffee made. Hello? The turban head behind the counter is too busy talking on the phone and writing notes about what his employees need to suggestive sell that day. I guess he goes through the merchandise and sees what is about ready to rot, and puts that on the list. "Sell twinkies, they're almost green". The 7-11 folks are swift and friendly. Even when I am not using my credit card, they remember my name. That is weird. And what is it with the gas pumps? Cant they ever just turn them on immediately? Why do they have to say "Good morning, welcome to Conoco, you're ready to go on pump 4" Yea, I know. I was ready to go 5 minutes before you started talking. Do they think we will be in a better mood about being late cause they were nice about it? And the pump never works properly the first time. You're always squeezing, squeezing, squeezing the pump waiting for it to start working. Im tired of it.

Watched JFK at my house last night. We had planned a Spy TV evening, but that was pre-empted apparently by the interest in JFK. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Then I followed the duo to the Coles Camp and watched the Crocodile Hunter. I swear, there is no program that compares to the Crocodile Hunter. And if you watch it while encumbered by recreational substances, it is a riot. Not to be missed. By the way, is it always Croc Week?

Tomorrow we are all heading to the Buskerfest. Should be hella fun. Im not sure if Daniel will be here or not, I havent heard anything from him at all lately.

Ok, time to go move files from my work machine to my server. I have so much to do!

Fixed my blog thanks to tara the html queen. Way to go, Tara!

Everything is starting to roll re: me leaving work here. Emails are flying about meetings; how do we do this..who is gonna do that? Its gonna be a weird couple of weeks. Im excited to start at DPL, more for the money than anything else, which I hope isnt the only reason I like it there. Gonna be a lot of adjustments to make. I need to figure out transportation..am I gonna drive? Take the bus? I cant pay for parking yet, till I've at least been there a while..my finances are too screwed up right now.

Took Kt to the dentist yesterday, and me and vanessa waited outside for her. Well, first off, in the waiting room there was this weird whacked out lady. She was really heavy, big floppy arms and shit. Her hair was like straw or wire or something..nasty. She got on the phone and started talking to someone about how horrible her life was. She had had 2 car accidents recently, then a couple of days ago she had slipped on some vomit and hurt her arm. damn thats weird. So we all started laffing while she was on the phone, listening to her describe this madness. Then she got off the phone and started crying! She was talking to us saying how much bad luck she had had lately, and how it was everyone else's fault. She was a piece of work, lemme tell you.

So then Katie went in to the dentist and vanessa and I went to the store, then to just sit in the grass at the dentist office. We were laffing so hard about everything. She was being all clumsy and shit in the car and I said "hey be careful, dont break that" and she said "Im breaking everything". Then we started laffing so hard about how when you act that way, clumsy or breaking stuff, it makes you feel fat and stupid. She totally got what I was trying to say.

Went to camp at the Coles again last night, that was fun. We went to Gunther Toody's and bitched about how expensive it was. Came home and I fell asleep in front of the tv while Mark did who knows what on the pc. I think he was looking at hard drives and burners. Get one, get one!

Amanda called late last night. Justin isn't going back to WSU and Amanda was seriously considering staying here too. She was really upset, crying and trying to weigh the pros and cons of both. She just called me here at work now and said she's gonna go back. Im glad, but I could see merit in her staying too. She's worried that they will break up, but I think it's worth it to give it a shot. We decided she would give it a semester, and if she absolutely cant stand it, she'll come back. She didnt want to miss out on cheerleading another year, she's been looking forward to that so much. Plus, this year she'll be in an apartment instead of the dorm, and was jazzed about that too.

More later, I actually have real work to do. Alert the media.

DPL called 30500 and 3 weeks vaca, full medical, no dental. Start July 2. Ack - now I need to talk to Julie.

Who is barbequeing? It's Kay..someone hurt her, now. It's sheer torture!

These are the IM conversations that happen when Mark has emma on his lap:

LostBrit67: vjjgghgh ghg hghh ghghhgh hghghgh hhhg
LostBrit67: nnnnnmnnnnnnnnnbnnbnbmnbbj j uuyudvdfffgggfggggpp
LostBrit67: jhjhj jhjh jh jh jh jh j hj hjhjddrrrrr
LostBrit67:
(o o)
( ^ )

,ghhylhkkhkhk kkkkh
LostBrit67: klkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
DanelleOShea: oooh thats lovely

I think I finally can post pics here. Gonna try it now. Break a leg.

Karen says she keeps smelling cat piss. What's that all about? It better not be me. Did Bridget piss on me last night? I dont think so.

Dull evening, but nice to spend it at the Coles Camp nonetheless. Watched a pirated copy of Shrek on Mark's pc. Only fell asleep for about 10 minutes. Pretty cute movie. Glad I saw it for free, tho. We banged in a pizza and watched teevee, finally collapsed early. I didn't feel rested this morning, I'm sure I tossed and turned all night waiting on this damn DPL thing. When I went yesterday she said she couldnt make me an official offer till she talked to all my references. Jeesus, what if I'd have listed 20 refs instead of 4? So, I am kindof just stagnant waiting for everything to come together. Said she would call me this morning, regardless. I feel like I cant relax until this is all on the table. The whole thing gives me the runs.

Vanessa stayed over with KT last night. Who knows what kind of revelrie went on. Talked to Vanessa this morning, she just said there was a lot of fun going on. Jeff the connecter came over before I left, so I can imagine they had a giggle fest.

I am worried about moving all my shit from my work pc to my home pc for the new job transition. I need to just take out this damn hard drive and take it home, I swear. MrLD gave me a place on his server with 3g available, so Im gonna start there. Am also wondering what kind of "access" Im gonna have at DPL. IM? Mp3? Ack..I will be a lunatic without both of those. I suppose I cant really go in the first day and start loading up all my instant messengers. Maybe the second day.

I got my post card from mecawilson. So incredibly surreal, but very damn fun. I read his blog every single day, and it always makes me laff. I wish I could find a man to date just like him. His wife ploblee doesnt deserve him.

Ok, I have to go do something. I dont know what.

I have done so much weird shit to this blog lately. Im a html whore.

Blogger needs to get its shit together. Kt just wrote and lost it all. Blogger is such a fucker, I swear.

Mark came over after a fm. He said "Oh, dear.." I guess she was a gorgeous empty headed plaything. So much for that. Cha.

I am still so stunned and amazed about the DPL job. We talked a little about salary negotiating, I feel pretty good about some aspects of it. We'll see what happens. What I want is hopefully what I end up getting.

Man I got like no sleep last night and now am really starting to feel the effects. How the hell am I gonna work at Americas? Im gonna be so beat. Bleh I dont want to think about it right now.

More tomorrow...

OMG - I got the DPL job. I cant even speak. I have to go over there tomorrow and talk salary with Gail and the President. Eegads. This is unreal. Completely, totally unreal. This is not happening. WOW

Just added this ridiculous comment feature on each post. Is it stupid? ploblee.

I pretty much hate everyone and everything today. Sick of waiting around for DPL. Starting at Americas this week, oh joy. Hi im new. Im stupid. I'll just be over here sleeping cos I work another full time job. Wake me when someone needs beer.

Who cares. No one. Blah blah - same old song and dance Danelle..do something about it and shut up.

Im way too depressed for my own good. My rock? Tired. Sorry, maybe tomorrow.

I'm never surprised when people do weird whacked out stuff because they are depressed, especially financially depressed. Big news story, then days later it comes out that the guy was depressed about recent finances. Uh huh, I have several of those T-shirts, thanks. Seriously it's so consuming, so worrisome, so mind numbing to have such negative things going on all around you. If I dont get this DPL job I will be back on anti-deps. I wonder why there isnt someone looking for people that are in dire straights and send them some money. A philanthropist maybe, that peruses blogs for people that are basically very nice but on the verge of who knows what because of money. Dont forget the building and apartment number in my address. Everyone always forgets that.

My kitty is so incredibly cute right now. Not cute enough to go get the camera out of the car, but pretty darn cute.

And no, Mr. Coles I am not brash.

I have the distinct feeling I was talked about all day. Nothing like a little family Danelle-bashing to build you up. Who me? Why didn't I go to the Father's Day Dinner? Oh, I wasn't invited. Uh huh. 'preciate that, see ya round.

The Coles duo came for a bit, I think so they could have dinner cooked for em. They left around 9 or so. Kt is babysitting tomorrow, for both work and fun. That sucks. But, what do I care. And would it matter if i did? I don't think so, kiddies. Thanks for playing, good luck next time.

This week is gonna be a little pins and needlish cos of the Dave weekend coming up. Whats that gonna be like? Weird, awkward, fun, silly? Yea, ploblee. Told Americas about it, so I think Im off the hook for those days. On the weeknights i do work, I will work until 2:15 am. I am going to be a walking, living, breathing, bill paying zombie. Only one adjective in that sentence is important.
"Hi, I was wondering if I could possibly be anymore buried in debt?
"No"
"Ok thank you"

Why is html infecting my brain to the degree where I lay in bed and think of code? Why do I feel the sudden urge to be where the people that know it well hang out? Even to sit quietly and just listen to what they're saying is enough. There must be an HTML Book for dummies. I need it. Now.
A little Danelle-code, for good measure
The exiting of Ss, its like if you are, then do it. I have some shit to do. Definate progress, but even that kinda sucks. Reality checks are always such a pain in the ass. Lunar ship 'Niceties' will now be landing with a thud. Obviously, a major malfunction. Please hold on.

I should hear about DPL soon. Probably Tues but possibly monday. It will be nice to just know . Im so tired of just waiting and wondering. I swear, getting on with the state wasn't this clandestine and slow. Mark hasn't been called as a reference, I wonder if anyone else has. I dont think so. That discourages me.

Should I take my nails off, or risk waiting a few days and maybe they'll be ugly. Cheap enough to get a whole new set done later, but I dont want to go without them. I like them. A lot.. ok they stay for now.

Ok, I am going to do something else. I dont know what. I have late movies. Im not taking them back tonight. Nope. I shouldve made him take em back.

Apparently I got the job at Americas. It was like I already had it when I get there - -weird. Said he would call me Tuesday night with my schedule. Guess its good, the money will be a saving grace, for sure. Hope Im not an idiot.

The topless Ss isnt enthralled, which means I am. Cha.

I'm fighting with html today. Fucker.

I really am not looking forward to this interview at all. Already there are several days in the weeks ahead that i cant work. Is that cool to spew in a job interview? Probably not but Im gonna have to. I need the money desperately, as you all well know. I have no idea what I'm going to wear. Kt says no shorts and polo, i picked a short dress that she also nixed. Do i wear a long summer dress? that's gonna look way too formal. I cant really think about anything until the topless Ss leaves the hills. Im pre-occupied.

Kt made coffee and brought me some and its good. Nice and strong, but not too much. She makes damn good coffee.

I used some compressed air to blow out my keyboard and now a bunch of keys are sticking. Wtf

Yesterday at Six Flags was so damn fun. We got in using the old "we left someone behind" routine. Way too easy. Got there around 2:45 and stayed till just after 10. Rode all the funnest stuff; minderaser, tower of doom, twister, swings, sea dragon, chaos, rainbow, etc. The damn Shake Rattle and Roll was broke as usual. I swear that thing is always down and it's the greatest ride ever. If I would have paid to get in I woulda been pissed. We had absolutely nothing going on yesterday so we thought what the hell. It was great. We're gonna try it again.

MY kitty i s pretty cool. Is already using his litterbox sometimes but not all the time which is of course the goal. He mews a lot and I have to bop him and tell him to ssh. Will post pics of him on my site on monday.

I have figured out some cool html stuff, but I'm still so stupid. How do I post a pic here? I need help.

11:24 and time to gear up for the interview. Bleh.

Just a short note, I have an interview for a waitress job today.

We were driving down the highway yesterday past Six Flags Elitch Gardens and decided to see if we could sneak in. We did, and it was fabulous. Stayed all day till closing. We rock.

More later

Had a pretty good night last night, made dinner for MasterColes (lol) and we played with the kitty most of the night. He left this morning for the Vail Valley Unknown. Bleh. He's gonna bring Em over tomorrow night to have more kitty fun.

Looks like I am gearing up to take KT to Charlies, bleh. Have to find something to do in Northglenn for a couple of hours. Hard pressed. Tomorrow is father's day and Im totally ick about it. Torn between guilt and indignity. Who makes the first move? What are we fighting about again?

Im starving. Wonder what Joe's got kicking around for breakfast.

Will write more tonight..

I am so fucking sick and tired of every damn thing.
What the hell is the deal? I cant get a break anywhere. Love, money, friends, luck. If I do leave this job, my most prevalent memory will be of crying at my desk. I guess it's decent that no one is ever around to see it, and no one close to me cares enough to notice. DO I resolve anything? No, not till I get mad..that's when the resolution comes. When my mind, heart and soul says "this is fucking you up...fix it". Sometimes I do..sometimes I say "fuck it, hit me again..I can take it"

So much sad shit.

Maybe I need some self affirmation. Im cute, Im funny. I am deserving of a reciprocal relationship. Uh huh. File that under never.
Fuck You

I have a headache, my nails are in need of a rebase something fierce, i have a no plans weekend ahead, my ISP at home is fucking up, I still havent painted my toenails, Im bored, I want DPL to call me, and Im broke. Yea, life is good. Rock on. Turn on the car and close the garage door on your way out, please. Thank you.

desperation (n.) des·per·a·tion
1. the state of being desperate or of having the recklessness of despair.
Supp. Note: syn . See"despair."
2. the act or fact of despairing; despair.

If I dont get this damn job, I've got to do something major. The wolves are barking at the fence.

News Flash -

Put on Almost Famous to watch last night. Guess what? I fell asleep.

oh wow...it seemed so urgent to blog. My new kitty is an escape artist.

Loaded up a fabulous playlist on napster. Stuff you do when you have no alternatives. Knowing you're gonna be home all night bored...thinking of things you've been meaning to do. I need to do my toenails too. This glitter shit is pissing me off. I rented Almost Famous days ago too...but havent watched it yet.

My second interview at DPL was today. I think it went really well, but damn you never can tell. Most interviews I've had I thought went really well, but then..pfft They have to have someone in place by July 1, so they need to get on the ball. I know I was the first "finalist" interviewed. I also know that the lady that interviewed me takes every friday off, so that means the next interview cant be until at least monday. You do the math.

I hate when i d'l a napster song and it bleeps the bad words. wtf. I like the bad words. "I promise not to try to fffffff with your mind" What the hell is that messed up shit.

Back to thinking about the interview again. I feel really confident, but am worried about the fallout. I do not necessarily want to leave my job. It will be hard to go. But then the waitress brings the reality check and I know I have to do something. What about insurance and all that shit? changing all that shit is such a hassle. Then trying to make your new desk "your" place. My desk now is so totally "my place". You cant just walk in the first day and tack up all this shit, and fill the drawers with oreos, popcorn, books and cd's you're trying to sell online, dishes, mayonaisse, knives, toothbrush, floss and nail polish.

Ok, Kt needs me to talk about the concerttomorrow night at red rocks. Could be hella fun, wish i had someone fun to go with.

Later-

originally written on a piece of paper in my planner, 6-13 while out and about...
When the clouds finally come in, it's amazing how quickly and completely they shadow everything else.

Now:
Am on hold right now with Public Service. I thought I had made a payment arrangement with them, but the note I got in the mail says different. Blah. I have about 100.00 dollars in my account to last the rest of the month. Man, I need that DPL job. Second interview today, I'm trying not to hinge a lot of hope on it...but it would solve a lot of life's problems right now, to be sure.

I love the days where I have gotten some sun in the days previous, and dont have to wear face makeup.

When is mecawilson coming back from vacation? I miss his blog a bunch. Kt finally wrote a bunch of shit in her blog, and it is hilarious! SHe's in northglenn now, doing some visiting. Might pick her up tonight, more likely tomorrow night. Another fun Friday night on I-25. Woo hoo.

Been trying to figure out what's going on with CPD next weekend, who is coming down. I'd like to do some fun stuff, but I can't get a straight answer as to what he wants to do. Hopefully something fun..

Father's Day is Sunday. Double, Triple bleh.

Am not in a blogging sorta mood. No fog.

Wow..what an incredible weekend. Very fun, gloomy to see it end. We did steaks at Marks on Friday night, and packed like madpeople for the weekend ahead. Saturday morning we had intended to start out around 10 or so, but actually didn't even get out of town till well after 11. We had several wrenches thrown in, from kt needing money, to driving all over hell and back trying to find 2 fer coupons for the Rennassaince Festival that were allegedly at Wendy's. Not. Turned out when we got there they were just floating all over the place anyway, so we didn't need to have even been looking. The festival was hella fun, lots of fun things to look at and do. The weather held up for the most part, we had a few sprinkles here and there. Left the Rens around 4 and headed for Monte Vista. I've gotten to the point where I really dont mind driving that much at all anymore, even if I'm just riding. Maybe it depends on the company. I love the reflection time I get from driving. Made me want to road trip again, soon.

Monte Vista was great, we all got a long wonderfully and there werent any problems (that I know of). Emma had a bad night, waking up screaming pretty heartily for a good long while. The Avs had won the Stanley Cup, so we spent most of the evening watching coverage of that. Found a great show on HBO "Six Feet Under" that i am going to have to beg people to tape for me, regularly.

Sunday we left Monte Vista and went to the Sand Dunes. Oh WOW was that fun. I had never seen them before..one of those Colorado Tourist traps that I had never bothered to investigate. The spring run off was exceptionally high, and there was a wonderful lake of water on the sand that was wading pool deep in several areas. We walked around in the sand and water for a good long while, and it was just incredible. We were so bummed we didnt have emma with us, she would have loved it so much!

I drove a lot of the way back from there, to Castle Rock, and it was just really nice. Finding resolution to things in the solitude of interstate driving. We didnt even go home first before we hit No Frills Grill, and stayed there late, till after 10 playing pool and having some much needed brew. I took some great pictures.

When we got home, I listened to a phone message that sparked a very long conversation. Parts of it we had visited several times before, and parts of it were brand spankin new. I was blunt and very forthcoming about feelings I'd have of late, namely realizations that nothing could ever be long term there, and that would be my choice. For reasons that are important to me in a relationship that I felt would be missing in any attempt. Suspicions, prolific searching for something else, etc. I would constantly be worried that the search was still on. I guess my head finally has overshadowed my heart. Although, even as I write this my heart feels the familiar pangs that make it hurt..a lot.

I will never understand why it wouldnt work. Ever. Things are just too good the way they are, and I know in my heart that adding to it, would just make it incredible. Adding romance to the already easy, flowing, comfortable way things are now..would make it the best relationship I think either of us have ever had. Unfortunately, that call was decided already, and not by me. I said last night that if offered, the answer would be no. However, just had a long talk with Karen and told her that although my head would be screaming no, my heart would leap out of my chest and welcome it. It's all I've ever wanted for the past 18 months, of course I would still want it. She knew that before I'd even said it of course. Again, unfortunately I never got the chance to prove how good things could be. Man, that acceptance is stinging, even today. It stings because we will never taste how good it could have been. Bleh. Not the tone I wanted to take with this writing. At all. Started this with resolve, now feeling clouded with disappointment that probably the best thing that ever happened to either one of us will never be realized, because it's not offered. Do I still have a glimmer of hope? I guess I always will. It'd inevitable when you've fallen as hard as I did.

Ok, well that chest thumping "I am Woman" rant just went to hell in a handbasket, didnt it?

More soon, hopefully tonight after the fog sets in.

blogger.com sucks

I wanted to write last night, but wasn't feeling quite up to snuff, so I didn't. Now I am blank as to what I wanted to write about. I hate it when I do that.

This weekend is the whole Rens Festival/Monte Vista dealio. I hope everything is friendly and happy, I don't want any bad feelings or weird issues to come up. I value MX's friendship and I dont want to do anything to throw a wrench into it. Sometimes we are right on target and have the same feelings, but sometimes I feel like I have to defend, too. I suppose it would be like someone touting Dan's virtues to me, when I know better. I would like to be able to put those feelings aside tho, and just try to have a decent friendship.

Had to go pick up Kt from Charlies last night, and missed another oppty to see Raul. We just never could get it together this week at all. We tried to make several arrangements, but then something always got in the way, usually me. I did want to see him, am hoping he doesnt think I was blowing him off. Now looks like he wont be here till August.

What is the story with CPD? No story, no nothing. Supposed to be here 23 and 24th..but doesnt want me to stay with him. Further indication that we are worlds apart on a lot of critical issues. Im not traditional, he's ultra so. I'm not ethically and morally bound in every situation, he is painfully so. I want to see him again, remembering the way I felt when I left a few weeks ago makes me think there is something worth persuing, but I think he might not think so. There's really been no effort whatsoever to lay any sort of foundation. He's never even asked for my phone number. We'll see. Im definately not going to put my heart in a situation to get burned, and thats what I feel like I'm doing. He's not interested, obviously. Any serious attempt at conversation only leads to his sarcasm and joking, again a major irritant. How can I know where I stand if I cant ever get a straight answer? Mostly I just give up, and now I've quit trying. The attraction isn't mutual. I don't beat dead horses.

Had dinner with Michele last night. Man, talk about a weird load of shit. Hank is gone, moved out completely. I thought those two would be scratching and biting till the end of time. She is amazingly intact, getting ready to go to Camp IdRaHaJe this weekend, for the summer. What a great oppty for her and Jose, something they will probably remember for the rest of their lives. I think it will be something that Michele looks back on as something that got her through this time. Devron is gone, he left home about 6 weeks ago and hasn't talked to Michele since. What great kids... Seriously. I know she busted her ass for them for the past 19 years, and withstood more than a person should have to..for them. Brandon is working and going back to UNC. Jose is going to camp too. I know this is part of the plan for her life, she just cant see the forest for the trees sometimes. Once you get out of the mess, and take a look at it from a distance, you have a much better perspective on how bad life sucked before.

Am waiting to hear on the DPL job. bleh. It's taking too long.

Didnt contact my mom on her birthday. Now its so late its embarassing. She sent me $30 on my birthday with a nearly unsigned card. Thats almost just as embarassing. It's a slap really. Wish I could have afforded to send it back. "thanks, no thanks"

I think we are getting a kitty. He's very cute and precious, and kt is pissed as hell. She'll love it tho. His name is Shotzy.

More soon

This is probably gonna be random.

I really really like Alec Baldwin. I love every movie I have ever seen him in . I really wanna see that Bear movie again with him in it. The Edge I think it was called. There was some knife scenes in there if I remember correctly. That was a great movie. Alec Baldwin is gonna be on SNL next week. I gotta watch it. Tomorrow i have to tape Mtv movie awards. do not forget.

Went and played midget golf. I had to bring an oversize midget, Daniel..lol. We had a great time and with my 15 stroke handicap I beat mark by one stroke. Very fun. Fud at Jacksons Hole on someone else's dime..lol (if you lose, you buy)

I watched the View for abot 5 seconds tonight and could not figure out what the hell kind of women these were. They were so shallow and superficial it embarassed me. I have never seen such pretentious, overwhelmingly annoying women.ever. Do people watch this show? What kind of people? DO women in America identify with these women? I want to see women like me sitting around bitching about real stuff. Meeting loser after loser, trying to pay bills, looking for work, fighting with kids, getting your heart broken. I cant identify with these women. They were talking about parties by the jacuzzi and crows stealing your salmon hor's doerves. un.be.lievable.

I read a few blogs every day, but have stopped reading anonymous ones. I read two or three regularly, matt wilsons (mecawilson) i read every day. It's too much work to plod through what people are trying to say. I know what Matt's trying to say, and he makes me laff my ass off.

Why do I try to read 4 books at a time Its impossible. I dont even know where some of the books I am in the middle of are .

Im tired. Im broke, well not really but kinda. mostly im just tired.

MrLD has fallen through the cracks of governmental/corporate America and I am done thinking and worrying about it. Ixnay on the isitvay. bleh. So many blehs going on.
Everything social and personal is a Talking Heads song..Same As It Ever Was. I hear the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, believe me. I wear lots of protective clothing these days.

Went and saw Pearl Harbor last night, that was incredibly good, and I highly recommend it. Have heard some bashing about it, saying it was inconsistent, inaccurate, etc..and that the special effects were over done. I don't give a shit. I liked it. It's not a documentary, people, sheesh. We got into a discussion after the movie about why America got involved in Vietnam, and when. Im ashamed to say my knowledge was cursory. I looked up a bunch of stuff online today..and while I'm more informed, I'm still ashamed...just for different reasons.

I feel blah today. Had a great interview yesterday, hopefully something will come of it. It was with the Denver Public Library Friends Foundation. I could rock their world, they just dont know it yet.

Going to the Rennasaince Festival this weekend, then probably to spend the night at Dys. That'll be interesting and fun at the same time. While we've talked extensively online, we've never really spent any amount of time together in person. She'll probably come away mumbling about what a weirdo I am. She's up for a big job at citysearch.com, and is on the last leg of interviews, etc. Go Dy.

Im tired and edgy, I need a nap. Fuck you.

I have been working so hard at work, I havent had time to do much fun stuff. Bleh. Out of shibbay for days now, somebody shoot me in the head.

Lots of fun stuff planned this weekend, big dinner tonight, Heritage Square tomorrow, dinner tomorrow night, Peoples Fair on Sunday, Pearl Harbor on Monday..yay.

It's getting surer and surer (lol) that MrLd will be here on the 14th. Excellent, kiddies. Most excellent.

Im not sure when Raul is coming in, gonna have to probably do some creative time management to see him, I will be out of town next weekend, and I think that's when he'll be here. double bleh.

Loving everything these days.