Cologgers (Colorado Bloggers) meetup tonight. We've got at least 8 people coming tonight! Check the site for time and a map. See you there!

There's a lot of happy kids in heaven today.

Not much to blog about.

We went out to breakfast, and to buy books. Slim pickings today in Lakewood. Think we will skip them for a few weeks. Daniel had a dentist appointment and only had one cavity, which is nice. My kids have always suffered with teeth problems. The dentists say they have "soft" teeth. Yay. But how nice it was to go in there with my CHP card and have them say "No charge today."

I completed my application for Front Range College, now still just waiting on the tax returns. Blah. Am going to attend an orientation meeting next week. How fun it will be to sit in a room full of 20 somethings that have their whole career lives ahead of them...and me in there looking somewhat desperate and obviously... Old.

To my lovely Sister!

From a link from fortysomething's blog, I went and looked at the most common boys and girls names in 2001 (based on Social Security card application information, state by state.) It's amazing to see the commonality, and how blatantly we follow "name" trends, like lemmings walking off a cliff. (Which they don't really do, by the way..the 1950's Disney documentary that showed that they do, was staged!) Go to snopes and look up lemmings. Do it.

Chats are working. Tech Support in da house!

Tomorrow is Cindi's birthday..whee hee! Katie did something very cool, I hope Cindi likes it. She will. I got her a subscription to O...and someone else did too. I've been trying to rectify it through amazon, but they're oh-so-not-helpful.

I have a lot of money in the bank right now and it's so grating on my brain. I just want to shop and fly somewhere and buy stuff and do things. But then I look at upcoming expenses..Kt's teeth, Amanda's flowers, my teeth, and SHIT if my check engine light didn't just come on in my damn car. So when you add all that up, I'm scrimping again. It's so hard to have money just sitting there in the bank, smirking at you. Thank god for my child support.

I wonder sometimes if Dan would pay it as well as he does if Colorado didn't enforce it the way it does. They are known nationally for having statistically one of the best enforcement histories. Since you don't pay your child support directly to a person, but rather a third party enforcement agency, there's no dickering about "ooh, I dont have it this month..can you wait a week or so?" I love it. So..I do count my blessings there. I am lucky to get a decent amount, and get it on time and reg'lar.

I am waiting and waiting and waiting for copies of 3 years worth of tax returns so I can finish my financial aid application for nursing school. After that, it will likely take up to 10 weeks to be approved. The advisors at Front Range are most encouraging tho, being as I am a) a single mom and b) poorer than dirt...I should qualify for a full ride. That's fun in a bun, no? I'm anxious to get started, I will have to take a couple of pre-req "Im smart enough to be in college" summer classes before I can actually start the program in the fall. C'mere!!...lemme poke ya wiff my syringe thingie!!!

Ok, off to find some good bad tv. American Idol tonight. It better be good.

My trillian (chat client) is not working and I'm so sad about it. We've uninstalled it and reinstalled it, and it still doesn't work. Bleh!

Emma's all registered for school. Mark got the session he wanted, which will work out better for him and Dy both. Half a day on Monday, and all day Tuesday and Thursday.

I just kept thinking "I thought I was done with all this...I hope no one asks me to go to any choir concerts."

Yes, Im still up. I know it's almost 3. Where is anyone? I need some late night chat buddies.

::shiver::

My site..huh?!

The "huh" a-lizer. Courtesy of The Presurfer. Go here then, to huh-a-lize your site. Funny, funny funny.

Oh, what else I'm I doing? Listing books. Chatting, being tired, drinking Chai vanilla tea..my new addiction...along with McDonalds fruit parfaits. Im loving those lately too. Damn you Katie for getting me hooked.

We bought books today and a buncha sweaters for Laura to do something with. Something to do with blankets. I hope I didn't screw it up.

I'm gonna end up taking those fools to school all week. It's like 2 degrees right now.

COLOGGERS on Friday people. Watch your mailbox and watch the Cologger's site. (over there..) Let me know if you're coming! KARAOKE and BEER. Wow, sounds like heaven. Pictures will be taken. Guaranteed.

Wow, how did it get to be 1:23am.

Here's a picture of a couple of hard workers:





And pictures from Jetta's party: (I heard I had a good time)



Playing Guts.



More Guts



Mark getting Sue's forehead ready for another card.



Sue getting ready to guillotine herself with the Guesstures Mimer Timer.


*********
Random thoughts while dozing and surfing TV:

Does Kellogg's think we didn't notice that they are now putting about half as much frosting on our PopTarts?

Bobby Flay can come and do deviate things to me if he wants.

The collectable knives sold on the Home Shopping Club are a joke. I cant even go into all the things that are wrong with these knives cause it would be like a joke at a trade show that no one else gets.

One of the hosts said "I give these knives to all my friends in the Service". .. and now they're all laughing at you behind your back..

Guess I better write something before blogger goes down for a while tonight.

Had a harrowing day yesterday, for lack of a better word. Some discussion (the loud kind) about a variety of topics befuddled us early..and then again later. I think it's all ironed out tho. Relationships are such a struggle sometimes anyway, but when you start a relationship when you're older like we are, you have to add a lot of baggage to the mix, and sometimes we trip over it. We have to remind ourselves that we don't come into a relationship alone at this age, there's kids, and ex's and a whole lot of stuff that happened way before you got there.

We had a fun time at the party last night, although some people got a little too trashed (not us - really) and started talking politics somewhere around 1am. File that one under "not a good idea". The night ended on sort of a sour note because of it...although we'd had a lot of fun before that playing games and laffing our butts off. I did take some pictures, I'll post at least one later tonight.

We got home really late, actually really early this morning, around 3am. Then stayed up and talked some and finally went to bed somewhere after 5 am. Katie called from the bridal shop where she had an appointment to get fitted for her bridesmaid dress. She wanted to hang out, go to lunch, shopping, etc. I wasn't really up for it, only having a minimal amount of sleep..but we went and of course it was fun.

Now watching the Grammys in front of a fire and wondering what's on tap for dinner.

Im not sleeping...be quiet! Had a long day yesterday and got home really late. And now my keyboard isnt working right. More later.

No one is posting...what - did you all go out and get lives while I wasn't looking? heh.

I have a really bad headache and have been parked in front of the Discovery Health Channel for far too many hours. Calciuria, dysgenesis, atrophy, hydrocephalus. There ya see, my brain is officially fried and I am incapable of speaking normally.

Going to bed..I think I will be asleep approximately 27 seconds after my head hits the pillow.

It's been kind of a tie-up-loose-ends kind of day. Mark needed some help tweaking and printing some documents... I've been trying to square away my comfort dental insurance, make eye and dental appointments, went to the grocery store, and then made a tasty lunch. Not much else planned for the day..just some chillin. Emma goes home to mommy tomorrow, and we've been invited to a party! Whee! We also got invited to Cindi's b'day shindig at Heritage Square, but got asked to this party first, plus couldn't really swing the Heritage Square fee.

Next weekend is Cologgers meetup, people...don't forget!

I can't believe I'm still writing 'Horse' on my checks.

Things that are really nice:

Cuddling on the couch to watch silly tv together
Being told that nearly anything is enjoyable in my company
Loving someone who recognizes my need to be alone sometimes
Being told that every day is like Valentine's Day when we're together.

A collective.."aww.."

We were watching "Diagnosis Unknown" on Discovery Health. Emma was paying rapt attention to the show, which was about E-coli...then she said: "Diarrhea is such a pretty name, when I was a baby I wish you would have named me diarrhea."

Hee.

I forgot to post about my freak out yesterday.

Daniel, in his infinite wisdom, decided that it would be ok to go to someone's house after school and not call me. School gets out at 2:45 and by 4:00, I was really starting to worry. When shit like this happens, I don't get the normal "hhmmm" worried like most moms. I've had a kid run away , remember. And it just so happens that two years ago to the day (yesterday) was in the range of days that Katie was gone. By 4:15 I was freaking out, unconsolable.

Mark knew the significance of the day, and was very helpful and comforting. We tried calling some of Daniel's friends, got no help there. I felt like an idiot, calling places asking if they'd seen him. "Hello, Im in incapable mother that doesnt know where their child is, can you help me?" I kept trying to call this one kids house that he goes to a lot, but their phone had a vmail on it that said "The party you are calling is not accepting calls at this time." wtf?

Finally around 4:35 Katie and Mark both left to go look for him. I felt lost, just sitting in a chair staring off into space. Everything I felt two years ago when Katie ran away came flooding back. It's the most devastating, empty feeling you can imagine. Are they thinking about how worried I am? Are they hungry? Cold? Sad? Happy? When the hours dragged in to days when Katie was gone, I felt like a zombie. Work? Please. Eating? Unfathomable. Sleeping? You gotta be kidding.

I would spend hours looking out the window wondering where she was..what was she thinking? It was snowing hard then, too..and I kept getting visions of her unconcious outside with snow falling on her face. It was terrible, absolutely horrible. The worst. Friends would call with sightings, the police would go look and not find her. I'd hear rumors of places she might be, but they were never true. I'd heard a rumor they (she was with charlie) had a friend get a blanket for them. I knew then that they were sleeping outside. God, even now...I'm getting weepy thinking about the places that I now know they were hanging out and sleeping at. Those days contain the darkest hours I've ever had in my life.

Daniel finally ambled in about 5 minutes after everyone left to go look for him. He seems surprised at the level of freak-out I had attained by then.
Suffice to say, I don't think he'll be going to anyone's house after school without calling again.

And on that lovely upbeat note, Im off to make coffee and settle in to watch American Idol hopefuls make fools of themselves.

American Idol is showing the best of the worst auditions tonight. Even if you're not a fan, this will be fun to watch.

Mr. or Ms. Anonymous is having fun with the comments, aren't they? We can take it. (They're on aol anyway...ha! Yes, love..I know who you are.)

Wanted to say Hi to "Amy" who commented last night, but didn't list her url if she had one..says she's a frequent reader tho. That's so fun! And also to all the recent posters on the guestmap. C'mon in! the water's...well, it's freezing!

Nothing much planned today, going to go get Katie at school soon..she works early today and then closes, and when she does that she doesn't have time to work out unless I go pick her up from school. She's gotten so thin, it's amazing! She's the epitome of doing it the right way. She started working out some time ago, but could only do 15 mins or so before she got too tired. She started eating virtually no fat and stayed away from sugar as much as possible. Now she works out for about 45 mins per day and her body really shows it. I should be motivated by her. Should be. Not. heh.

Emma and I are going for lunch at Cindi's school tomorrow, that will be fun. Emma loves Cindi, and will love being at her library again.

Im off to do something wildly productive.

Dear Dreamworks:

I'm not sure what you were thinking when you produced the movie "Spirit." Maybe you thought it would be a cute little horsie movie that children would enjoy. You probably had no idea that by distributing this movie you would become worse than a heroin dealer in this household.

We cannot get away from this movie. We allow only one movie per day, and the movie chosen is always Spirit. We have at least 250 other movies in this house, but your addictive cells have made the one small child in this household into a blithering, naying, screeching, bundle of "spirit" herself. And God forbid the day gets away from us and the movie is not requested until near bedtime. The result is akin to telling a smack junkie..."I'm sorry, there is no more heroin today. Would you like a tylenol instead?"

This movie invokes some sort of wild reaction that we have never been a party to. I have never actually seen anyone on heroin but I believe it mirrors this behavior. Glazed eyes, swaying head and noises that come from the mouth that are, at best, unnatural.

I implore you. Do not make a sequel. The Colonel must be imprisoned. Spirit must be released from his filmcan of bondage and set free to torture parents far, far away. Bryan Adams must die.

I am one deliciously happy camper. Thanks to the miracle of "too much withholding" - in a mere 30 minutes I have: paid off my old car, paid Mark back for a small loan from 2 months ago, paid off my Texaco credit card, paid two utility bills still hanging around from my old apartment, paid off Katie and Daniel's dental work, and for good measure, closed a savings account. This definately deserves a "whee!" I only have one outstanding debt from a loan I had to get when I got divorced, and that is current and manageable. Otherwise I am completely debt free.

I'm glad to pay off Katie's dental work especially, she's getting ready to have more work done, and then I need work done after that. I just joined Comfort Dental's in-house insurance program..it's really cheap ($25 a month for me and the kids) and it will save me a bundle. Instead of Katie's next crown being $900 it will be more like $500. And since we've gone to Comfort Dental for going on 10 years, they are a little more tolerant with payments. I paid them something every single month till today, when the final payment on the $800 balance from Katie's last work was paid off, and they've always been very nice about it. Sometimes I could send $100, sometimes as little as $15, but I always sent something. Now I can go in there completely paid up and start all over again.

And thank the Good Lord for CHP. It's Colorado's Health Plan for uninsured children. Now I don't have to worry about some catastrophic illness happening to the kids and then having no insurance. It doesn't cover me....but I can live with that. It also has dental coverage, but it doesn't cover the extensive work Katie is having done. They make you jump through the hoops to get approved, but in the end it's so worth it.

I had a really bad few moments earlier....a total freak out that put the whole house in motion. But I'm too happy to go into it now. Later, I promise. right now I just gots too much glee goin on.

The meeting went really well. I love Daniel's Special Ed Provider this year. Her and the social worker that follows Daniel's progress really seem to have his best interests at heart, and more importantly..they always do what they say they're going to do. This is not common, based on our past experiences. I totally attribute Daniel's increased successes to these two women. His attendance is much better, and his grades are coming along. He has an A in math, a couple of C's, a D and two F's. But his advisors keep pressing me to see the success in those grades, comparative to years past. And it's true. Last year at this time he had 5 F's and unexcused absesnces numbering in the 20's. Last semester he had 3 F's...now just two..plus only 3 unexcused periods. They'd like to see him go to vocational High School in 11th and 12th grade, and I agree I think he'd excel there.

Gotta shower, and hit the grocery store. Whee!

And still...nothing is going on.

We still have Emma, I think for the week. Just a little change of plans, which everyone needs now and then. Everything can't be routine every day!

I have a meeting tomorrow at 8am at Daniel's school, for his regular IEP (Special Ed) Staffing. Im worried about it and not worried about it at the same time. I always go into these things thinking "whatever the news, whatever the status..we'll deal with it..and move on"... I hate these kinds of meetings, I always feel intimidated and smothered, since ALL his teachers are there, plus his Special Ed provider, plus the psychologist..blah blah blah. I always come away feeling really dumped on. Besides all that...its at 8:00am!! groan...

I needed this today.

We're wandering around like lost souls.

I swear, there is nothing to do. Katie came home and was here for about 5 minutes before char came to pick her up to go to dinner or something. Daniel is wandering around, restless. Mark is sleeping on the sofa, feeling achy. Emma is watching her last "show" of the day....where she was told "then its time to find something else to do"..to which she reminded me..."well, you already said there's nothing to do today.." *hurumpf. Smarty pants.

I kinda feel like baking, but then I go in to look at what there is to bake, and by the time I open the cupboard the mood is gone. I've done that 3 times today. I have nothing on tap for dinner, either.

Now I am poking the squishy parts of my wrist rest in front of my computer keyboard, making it make weird sounds. This, my friends, is boredom at it's ugliest.

Im feeling so grouchy and cynical today. It's best for me just to stay here in my room and be quiet. Im reading blogs (not you guys' of course) and thinking "so what..who cares..whatver..shut up".

That's when it's time to just go do something else, before I start clicking open comment boxes and making enemies.

We went to Denny's for a nice breakfast, then to arc just to see what was going on there. Not a whole hell of a lot. I bought nothing. Mark bought some little electronic gadget, not sure what the hell it is. Emma pouted cause she didn't get anything. She's learning the ropes of "you don't get something every single time...and whining about it means you don't get to watch Spirit at home" Not a fun lesson, but necessary.

Katie went to a play with Cindi so Im carless until later, tho there's nothing specific I want to do. I just want to get out, you know? And go where? I dunno. Wisconsin, maybe?

Feh.

Not having a great night. Just not feeling all that well. I'm achy, I can't get comfortable, too hot, too cold, can't find a good position in bed or on the couch, I even feel like my hair is in the way. I am wanting things I don't have. Like a Milkshake. A Mr. Misty. Or a fruit parfait from McD's. Or a slurpee. I want all those things.

This weekend is going by slow and monotonous. Nothing is going on, we're not going anywhere. It's just...feh.

*yawn

Katie was supposed to be off today, but then they called her in to work. (Some sort of manic Fazzoli's emergency, I'm guessing) so now I am stuck here without a car all day. Not that I had anything major to do, but you know.

I got my income tax refund, so I could spend the day writing checks to cover niggly little debts that I will no doubt be glad to be rid of...eventually. What I'd really like to do is sit here and check flights to the coast on expedia.

Emma really needs a new movie to watch. Spirit needs to take a trip to the glue factory. Soon.

I'm wondering if it's cool to smoke while you have teeth whitening trays in your mouth.

If you're following American Idol, you'll know who Frenchi Davis is. Well, she ain't in the running no more.



I havent written a thing about Survivor. I dunno. I'm ambivalent at this point. They kicked off an annoying guy when they shoulda kicked off the guy that blew the challange. The deaf girl is not going to do well. The sick old woman is going to beg to be kicked off. Day 1: "This is toooo hard. This is brutal. I had no idea how difficult this would be. I'm miserable." Brother. The boys vs. the girls thing is already showing it's stupidity. All the guys think about is the girls. All the girls think about is whining. Day 4, still no shelter. Idiots.

Im tired.

Really cute pet pics here. Oh, go on.

Friday five:

1. Explain why you started to journal/blog.
I had been single for a very short time, and was having a hey day dating a lot of different people. I started keeping a paper journal to chronicle the weirdness of these people, and my life at the time..then I heard about blogger on a website somewhere. I wish I could remember where. ANYway, I just started logging my thoughts here..and two years later. voila.

2. Do people you interact with day to day or family members know about your journal/blog? Why or why not?
Some do, some don't. I don't want my parents reading my blog, and at one time I wouldn't have wanted my sister reading it either, but now she does...but we have a different relationship now, so that's ok. I like that people in my life read it to keep up with things I may have forgotten to tell them.

3. Do you have a theme for your journal/blog?
No, just that My Life Is A Mess. That works.

4. What direction would you like to have your journal/blog go in over the next year?
I think Im moving to moveable type soon, thanks to my buddy A.S. so hopefully that will enable me to be a lot more creative.

5. Pimp five of your favorite journals/blogs, and why you like them.
Hmm I really can't name just 5 without leaving someone out. All my current addictions are my faves.

I was thinking about that quiz that I posted about earlier and how much the results reflect a craving for the simple..and I decided that after having children in the house for the past 22 years, (multiply that by all the day care kids I took in from 1986-1995.. plus the amount of friends 3 children generate...) I think I just want everything to be quiet.

I have really great kids. They're each so unique and yet entwined, which I attribute wholly to a healthy balance of nature and nurture. Nature makes them all different, their environment made them all the same. I feel bad about the "regime" they grew up with, but I think there's enough good memories to keep everybody sane. I can't think for too long about all the regrets I have about things I did and didn't do when they were growing up, or I get weepy and depressed. There's been some wicked fights, and some wicked fun.

We had a few fun vacations, a few family disasters, and as a result have more than a few family 'inside' jokes. ("Where's the ham?!")

I remember a lot of people telling me to "enjoy my kids while they were young"..and I have to say when I had 3 kids under 6 years old, I had no idea what that meant. But now that they are grown and scattered I can see that I squandered a great deal of time. But I think we're all ok. I did what I could with the tools I had available.

Im proud of the people they've become..Amanda is remarkably beautiful, self-sufficient, spiritual and smart at 21 years old, though we tease her relentlessly about her "phoebe-ness". Katie is ultra intelligent and carries herself with the most self-confidence of anyone I know..plus she's really fun to be around. Daniel is creative, good with his hands..has the most amazing sense of humor, and is sometimes admirably rebellious. And sometimes, he's just really, really annoying.

I recently came across a home video from around late-1999 which was the last time things were barely tolerable in that household..at least to me. Dan and I were very close to breaking up at that point, after being married for 14 years..and after actually being together more or less since 1977, when we were both in Jr. High. No matter your perspective, that is a lot of time invested...to suddenly decide you want out. Right now.

We were all singing at the piano, gospel tunes no less...you'd never find a better example of Rockwell-hood. But the way Dan and I interacted on the tape was so telling. We had completely stopped treating each other like human beings that we cared about. Resentment and mistrust had created these two static people that couldn't have cared less if the other existed. It really made me sad. It brought back a lot of memories of really, really painful stuff to think about.

I just hope my kids know that sometimes I was as confused, scared and worried as they were. And sometimes being confused, scared and worried makes you a less than stellar mom.

See you in Sheboygan...

I did this really long ridiculous quiz to find out where "my" spot is. The places to live that best suit my preferences. Sports, arts, recreation, gardening...I answered a billion questions only to discover that "my spot" on the globe need not contain: culture, originality, activity, ethnicity, nor opportunity. I am the most boring person on the planet.

their recommendations:

Bend, Oregon
Sheboygan, Wisconsin
Missoula, Montana
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
are we sensing a theme? *yawn
Idaho Falls, Idaho
Kenosha, Wisconsin
again, with the Wisconsin..Zzzz
Duluth, Minnesota
LaCrosse, Wisconsin
Anchorage Alaska
**wow, I'm so much more anti-social than I thought
Madison, Wisconsin
Oshkosh-Appleton/Neenah, Wisconsin
Medford, Oregon
Green Bay, Wisconsin
hear that? That's me, slicing my wrists..
Ogden, Utah
Altoona, Pennsylvania
Grand Rapids, Michigan

That's it, I'm moving to Las Vegas.

You've set my heart on fire
Filled me with love
Made me a woman on clouds above

I couldn't get much higher
My spirit takes flight
'Cause I'm alive
~Celine Dion

I love being in love...

A conversation in the car the other day:

Me: Oh, there's that big head shop
Kt: Oh, yea.
Amanda: What's a head shop?
Me and Kt: hahaha
Amanda: What is it?!
Kt: You know, a head shop.
Amanda: Well, if it has anything to do with drugs or the F word, I don't know what it is.

Mark has gone to get Emma, and I don't feel all that well. But there's a million things to do today, so I will have to wait to feel ill until later. I just finished reading "Tis" the second book to "Angela's Ashes" and now am feeling weepy. I sat on the front porch stoop with tears rolling down my face, reading the last few pages. Now I don't have a book to read.

Oh, shush.

Just a reminder. My wedding anniversary is Valentine's Day. Would have been 17 years. But I will have been divorced for 3 years this June.

Good golly almighty. Why didn't one of ya hit me upside the head round about 1990.

There are a few people around me that have trouble having children, and it really puts me at a loss as to what to say about it. I know the standard conveyances are insipid and invalid. Things like.."It's for the best." (who's best?!) ..and other nonsense. I never know what to say. I go by what Dear Abby says to say and just mumble..sorry, and let them know I'm thinking about them.

But more than that, more than just not knowing what the hell to say is that I feel incredibly guilty and meek about being able to get pregnant and carry a child so easily. My Dr.'s said I had "textbook" pregnancies. I've never even had an ultrasound, and I've had 3 kids.

I just plodded along each time without even a hint of a problem. Each child was born huge, healthy and on time, with only the slightest bit of niggly problems afterwards. Amanda got a staph infection a couple of weeks after she was born and had to be re-admitted for a day and a half. She had an IV in her head which looked atrocious, but really was nothing. (The story of Amanda's staph infection went willy-nilly at one point, Chinese Whispers style, and for a few years Amanda was convinced whe was born with a needle in her head..but if you know Amanda, this is no surprise - Hi honey!)

I feel guilty about talking about my kids sometimes around certain people. I feel bad that maybe I am hurting their feelings, unintentionally, innocently. I feel bad that I effortlessly (and at first, unwillingly) completed something that came so natural to my body, but others struggle, fuss and worry over..time and time again, only to be heartbroken many times over. I sometimes try to justify it in my head and say to myself "well, they have things in their life that I wish I had.." but they really don't. I really do have a great life - full of love and opportunity with an outlook for the future of more of the same.

I don't know what it feels like to want a child and not be able to have one, and that makes me feel bad.

Had that unpleasant appointment this morning that didn't go as well as I had hoped. Not to be clandestine or anything, it's just..well...unpleasant.

Having a really blah day. The kind of day where I just want to sit in my cave and do nothing. Im feeling insensitive, grouchy, headachy, impatient and unhumored. How's that for a great big ball of fun?

Im tired of waiting for people to get their shit together. I've had it with people talking out of both sides of their mouth. And I'm really tired of waiting on other people to get their head out of their ass so I can progress with what I need to do. I have to sit and watch and wait while they lollygag around important shit, which is no surprise because everything about them shows they don't give a fiddler's fart about anyone's feelings but their own. By they way, if you consistently hear people say "No, it's ok...I don't mind.." They mind. You are an imposition, and everyone is just too polite to tell you.

Side note.. For once, this has nothing to do with people in my household! Im just venting. Big time. *sigh.

We're going to my favorite slanted eyes eatery. I'll feel better after that.

Oh, well here I am again. Nothing to say, really. Appointments out the wazoo coming up, it seems. Dr's, dentists, other unpleasant things that I don't want to mention, and my second appointment with an advisor at Front Range Community College. Looks like I might possibly be going to nursing school in the next couple of months or so. Something I've wanted to do forever, but never had the encouragement or the inclination on my own. Dan always discouraged me from doing anything like this, saying I was either to dumb or too fat.

Gotta get my financial aid in order, but am waiting on old tax return copies before I can do that. Mark and I have been talking about me going to school for a while, and finally sat down and looked at some numbers regarding money and time, and he thinks it's feasible, so I'm gonna take the reins and run. We talked about going the paramedic only route, but I think I'd like to go whole hog and get an R.N. degree if at all possible, and he thinks that's a better idea too. Im nervous about a thousand different things about it..but when you step back and look at it all, there really is no reason not to do it. I talked to Katie about it, lamenting that I would be so "old" by the time I was done...43 years old. She said the age old answer..."well, what will you be at 43 if you don't do it?!" true, true.

So...away we go.

We've got a roast in the oven and are heading out for yet more errands. I've already been out once today getting The Things People Need. Now we have to go to the post office, and to KMart because we are almost out of packaging tape. Don't ask how much we go through. Too damn much. Katie also needs a replacement full length mirror, as hers broke recently. Riveting stuff, isn't it.

It is disturbing that no matter what is missing in the house...Daniel knows where it is. What does that mean ?

Ottava rima? Me? That can't be right!    Too frivolous? But tut, there's no such thing! Let others ponder thoughts of wrong and right,    Or sit and think how much they love the spring; I'd rather spend my time in gleeful spite,    Or maybe laugh, or maybe sit and sing. Besides, it might be fun to be inspiring - But surely it would get so very tiring. What Poetry Form Are You?

*This poetry quiz site is a mess of annoying pop-up windows. God, I hate that.

It's been a weird quiet weekend without Emma here. Next weekend is Valentine's day tho, and we picked up some stuff for surprises (ssh!) so that will be fun. The kids are off school Friday and Monday, so it will be a nice weekend for Emma to have them around too. She says she doesn't like Daniel, but when Katie's not here he appears to be a suitable substitue, as she follows him around and always wants to "chill" with him.

We watched "In The Bedroom" last night. Weird. Slow and predictable, but still pretty good. I'm glad I finally got to see it. We have "The Majestic" taped and may try to watch that tonight. After High School Reunion, of course.

We're making T-bones and french fries and corn on the cob. And not a minute too soon, Im starved.

Wedding dress shopping...wedding dress shopping.

We had so much fun! I made a page with pictures of all the dresses she tried on, and the one she picked. They're not fabulous, cause the lighting was bad. PLUS the page isn't showing the thumbnails, but if you click on where the pic SHOULD be, it's there. The dress she picked is Dress #1. Whee!

Wedding Dress Page

Jerry Seinfeld is coming to the Buell theater.

No, I can't afford it.

Wah.

We slept in a bit today, and I've been paying for it ever since with a headache.

Mark and I went out to breakfast, and sat there for a long time just drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. I love that. Then we went and got books, only 3 bags today. I think we were both kind of run down and not into doing anything outside of the house today.

Tomorrow I am meeting Amanda at the Bridal dress shop. Pictures? Yes? No? What d'yall think?

No Emma this weekend, the roads were so bad on Thursday and today...and it's hardly worth it to make a run on Saturday and then Sunday. Poop. Katie said "That's a gyp." lol

Here's a pic in her new glasses, by the way:

Another long day, but doing little or nothing in the way of activity. They kept Cindi at the hospital a little longer than expected, but just by a couple of hours. We settled in at her house and I literally didn't need to do anything, she was perfectly capable and mobile. I stuck around till about 9pm, then came home and said I would check back with her tomorrow. Mark was a dear and brought Taco Bell over there and sat around for a bit.

We watched the Michael Jackson interview and decided he should just be committed. He is talented, you have to agree. But good Lord, he's weird.

I'm pooped.

One more thing. Boys, you can skip this..only the girls can relate.

File this under too much information..

I started my period about 10 minutes after getting to the hospital this morning. I was there for thirteen hours.
No, I didn't have any paraphernalia. And I was >thisclose< to throwing some in my backpack this morning..and then didn't.
Consciously decided not to. Stupid, stupid.

Do you think there are tampons in a hospital? I thought there would be. but there aren't. When I asked, the nurses looked at me like I had horns. They mulled it over amongst themselves and decided the only place that might possibly have some is a machine...on the first floor.

Have you ever needed a tampon from a machine? they never have any. Ever. Ever. Ever. This one was no exception. We know damn well when we put a quarter in there, that nothing is coming out.

So now we're playing toilet paper Kotex games. This is really fun. This event will make you carry a tampon with you in your front pocket, every day...for the next 2 years.

I thought about going to maternity and getting real Kotex. But if you have kids, you remember those things. they were like hammocks. And besides, I wasn't embarassed to ask for a tampon, but asking for a Kotex seemed more humiliating. So I didn't. I just fiddlefucked around with what I had available and made do.

Later, one of the nurses whispered to me..

"Did you ever find the little thingie you were looking for?"
Little thingie? Next she's gonna start talking about
pee-pees and wee-wees.
"um..nope.."
"oooh...well..I..hmm...I...wished I knew what to tell you."

See? This is my day.

If you're a woman, it takes almost as much stuff to pack for overnight as it does to pack for a week. You need all this stuff, every day. Lotion, advil, antacid, a book, planner, vitamins, snacks, contact lens case and saline, Rx (we're all on something), nail clippers, a razor, makeup, tampons, lip gloss, paper and pen...etc..!! You know I'm right.

This or That

1. Morning or night person?
Night person. Late, late at night.

2. Heavy or light sleeper?
Relatively light sleeper. It's a mom thing.

3. Remember your dreams or not?
Only the bad ones.

4. Do you need a lot of sleep, or just a little?
Just a little. I can get by on very little sleep.

5. Do you need something like a nightlight or TV to sleep, or do you prefer complete darkness?
Dark and silent.

6. Flannel sheets or some other kind?
Regular sheets, and a big heavy comforter.

7. One pillow, or more?
One flat firm pillow.

8. Bedroom door opened or closed at night?
Doesn't matter as long as it's dark outside the door.

9. Wrap yourself into blankets like a cocoon, or just cover yourself with them?
Just cover, but not touching my neck. Severly claustrophic, and even that makes me anxious. Ever notice my shirts are 98% V-neck? I can't stand anything touching my neck, it makes me freak out. I guarantee you've never seen me in a T-shirt, for that reason.

10. Alarm clock: wake to music or buzzer?
Buzzer. And hitting the snooze at least twice.

Bonus info, I dont wear jammies or a nightgown (you figure it out), and I feel out of sorts and have a hard time getting to sleep if I'm not sleeping on the right side of the bed.

Well, that was fun.

Kind of a trying day.

The surgery went well, took about 2 hours. I spent 13 hours in Cindi's room wondering why nurses appear to not give a shit. I don't know why we hold them to higher standards in their employment, but we do. They're just working, trying to get their shit done and go home. But we want them to care as much as we do, and they don't. And it shows.

Cindi's having the typical after surgery maladies...nausea, etc. Getting up and walking around is a huge chore. My mom was there this morning, along with Cindi's friend Cyndi, they both left around 11:30. Then a little bit after that a friend of Cindi's came by, and another friend this evening. That was nice.

I feel wrung out and completely drained. Even though all I've done is sit in a hospital chair for 13 hours. I read 120 pages of my book.

Observations:
I found it strange that a hospital has a grand piano and a man playing it (beautifully) in the lobby. I felt like I was at Furr's Cafeteria.
A good looking man walking down the hall with a catheter and a bag with pee in it becomes somehow, less attractive.
No one in the hospital is in a hurry to get anywhere.
I think it would be quicker to crawl up 5 flights of stairs with a vice on your back than take the hospital elevator.
People are funny to talk to when they are coming out of anethesia.
It's hard for patients to sleep when someone is moaning loudly down the hall for an hour.
Nurses stop talking about who's in the morgue when they discover your presence.
All True.

I need to go and pack a bag, leaving early in the morning to go back to the hospital, hopefully take Cindi home and then spend the night over there tomorrow night.

Mark's being such a damn sweetie.

Lator gators.

Im coming up on the 2-year anniversary of this blog. Trippy. It's been quite a ride. I'll probably post something waxingly poetic and equally boring wihen the time gets closer. I know, you're holding your breath.

Im going to bed early, hoping to be at the hospital around 9:30am. Everyone send all your good vibes this way, and I'll pass them along.

I saw over at very unnecessary a link to this ridiculous story about Michael Jackson. This boy ain't right, folks.
From an interview the 44-year-old old self-styled "King of Pop" had with ITV1 interviewer Martin Bashir:

"I used a surrogate mother and my own sperm cells," Jackson said of his third child, who he infamously dangled over a Berlin hotel balcony in November to show off to his fans.

His two older children, five-year-old Prince Michael I and four-year-old Paris, appeared on film with Jackson wearing party masks. He fed his third child -- who he has nicknamed Blanket -- a bottle of milk while draping a veil over his head.

**Now, I've called my kids a lot of things, but "blanket?"

Jackson, a former child star who was physically abused by his father, insisted his interest in children was not sexual, saying he liked to tuck them up in bed and give them hot milk and cookies.

::shivers::

Running around like crazy people. Had to go to the bank, and the store and then another bank, then another store.

When we got up this morning our power was off. Mark and I sat around and looked at each other for a few minutes, wondering what the hell to do. We're lost without our toys, it seems. So I ran to 7-11 to at least get us some coffee. After while we went to the thrift store, where I bought a book (shut UP) to read at the hospital tomorrow. When we got home the power was finally on. Whee. I've got a new freezer full of door to door meat, dont forget!

Now am trying to re-arrange dentist appointments that were set up for tomorrow, and generally make sure everything is copesetic for me to be gone all day Wed and Thurs, at least. Ridiculous. You'd think I was leaving town for a week or something.

Whats going on today. Nada. Nada lot, anyway.

Made two books runs today, bought 11 bags. We are quickly running out of room again. Bleh. We have a small amount of space to build a few more shelves in the laundry room/library..but not much. We are looking at expanding out to the garage. But that means cleaning the garage first. Double ugh.

Tomorrow I have to run a bunch of blah errands, then Wed and Thurs will be 'Cindi surgery' days, spent at the hospital and her house. Im kind of looking forward to the break in routine.

Joe Millionaire was fun. Buh Bye frizzy head Melissa. Learn to cook.

I'm thinking about calling it a night and going to bed early. Well, early for me anyway.

There's a couple of commercials that use "The Blue Danube Waltz" as it's theme music. I always think Joe Millionaire is on. Heh.

Tomorrow is book buying day, in Northglenn. (about 10 miles away). Hopefully there won't be anyone out cause the weather is so shitty. High of 35 tomorrow.

"Rise and shine, campers, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today."
"It's cold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach?"
"Not hardly."
~Groundhog Day

Mark found it, grr. It was in the hardbacks, (because it is a hardback...) but listed as a paperback. by me. yes, I fucked up. And I was so sure that it was a paperback, I didn't even look in the hardbacks. So everything I said about this intimate relationship I form with books I list? Ignore that.

Business is slow, today. I hope its temporary.

The roads are absolutely treacherous. We had to go get Katie, who had driven to work but was afraid to drive home (we wouldnt have let her anyway). Ward Rd. Hill was a bizzitch. And a cop followed me nearly all the way home. Thanks, I wasn't nervous enough as it was. 'preciate that.

The kitchen needs tidying. No one wants to help. Everyone has good excuses. I have nothing to do.

I can't find a book, and it is literally slowly driving me insane. We have a system for filing books, and normally finding a book order is no problem. Even if it's misfiled, it's usually close by. A hardback being filed in paperback, for instance. Sometimes if we cant find a book, we leave and come back to it in a few hours...and usually find it right away. Sometimes we end up cancelling the order because we literally just can't find it. Then we find it immediately, of course..

And once in a while..books are just gone. I don't know where they go.

Mark lists most of the books, and he has very poor short term memory. He doesn't pay any attention to the books he lists, and even if he happens to read the title, he forgets about it 5 minutes later. I remember every book I've listed.

I usually pick out the books we're going to buy, because I seem to have the knack for finding better books. I only physically list about 20% of the books we buy, And Mark lists the rest. I could go in the library and show you every book I've listed. This is because I'm usually stuck listing the "hard to list" books because Mark doesn't have any patience for that. If the book doesn't come up in half's database, he tosses it aside for me. Mostly those are the pre-ISBN (1977) books. I have to research the book, find sites where people have the book for sale, decide what is a competitive price, and list it manually. So I "get to know" the book more than Mark does. And this book that is missing right now is a book I've listed. I have touched, fondled and fanned the book. And now it is gone.

I've looked everywhere. Now it is time to start at the letter A and look at the title of every single book in there. It is a last resort. It is the last ditch effort before Mark and I glare and sigh at each other and finally say "cancel it."..which we really hate to do. It's like someone offering you free money, but you are too disorganized to take it.

Do you know how long it takes to scan an entire room full of 6000 books?

It probably seems really trivial and insignificant in your life, but this is my life.

I don't know what the hell was up with my pc yesterday. Or maybe it was blogger. I saw no Saturday posts, until today. Weird.

And yes, all...I will keep you posted on Cindi's surgery et al, I will be spending Wed after the surgery at the hospital, and taking her home Thursday, and then spending the day and into the night there. Then Katie is going to go over and spend the night Thursday night. We'll take good care of her!

Did the southward drive today to deliver the midget to mommy, and got home just in time. We were about 45 mins from home when the weather starting turning bad, freezing rain and lots of wind. Now here it is 3 hours later and we already have a good inch of snow on the ground. Katie is at work, but I think we will go pick her up..she doesn't get off till 10:30, she's never driven in the snow before and I'd rather she didn't cut her snow-driving teeth on my car.

So now I am working on Amanda's taxes.."Moommm...can you do it for me? I don't get it. Im confused." Looks like she has a nice chunk of change coming back to her too. Just think if she had 3 or 4 kids and could slap some Earned Income Credit on there..whee! Wait..what the hell am I saying?!!

Mark is taking a nap, Daniel is out and about with Heather and I'm bored as hell.

quips heard around the house in the last few minutes:

"What are those, Avalanche pickles"?
"Babe, don't put ketchup on a pickle."
"It's like tomatoes on a cucumber is all"
"Im making some damn coffee."

Another good celeb blog - Jennifer Weiner author of "Good in Bed". Fun.

Did I miss a memo? No one is blogging. No one is around.

I e'd my taxes to Unka Sam. I figured out I could take all 4 of us to Europe and have a pretty good time for about a week if I didn't have bills to pay with this money. If I'd have had just 2 more kids to claim, we'd have really been in the monneyyy...Do I want 2 more kids to claim? Uhh, no. Ah, that's ok. It's gonna feel good to be debt free. Really good.

The mall was fun. Mark and I noted that Emma seems to be a lot more animated and seemed to be having more fun than usual about everything since she got her glasses. I bet they are making a world of difference. When we were doing her alphabet flashcards today, she seemed so much more focused and attentive. Then she wanted to play games on her computer, which is usually a 5 minute activity, but she played for about 45 minutes! I'm so excited for her, I bet she's marveling at how great things look now.

Katie is going to San Fran with Charlie's family over spring break. That sounds incredibly fun.

We got Mark a big sign that hangs behind his desk downstairs that says "Parking for the British only". Just now I was down there behind Mark's desk looking for a book and Emma said..

"Nell, are you American?"
"Yes.."
"well then you can't be back here."

heh...

Then not two minutes later...

"Nell..?
"Yes..
"Are you a democrat?"
"I'm anti-government"
"ok.."

Blah dee blah.

Just finished my taxes. Suffice to say if I didn't have so many bills to pay, I wold be going on a very nice vacation. Ahh, maybe next year. I have enough to pay almost everything that's hanging over my head, plus still have a bit left to help Amanda with her wedding. Earned Income Credit is my friend!

We just had a wonderful lunch using most of last night's leftovers. Man, them was some tasty vittles. I think that will be both lunch and dinner, Im so full. Again.

We're going to pick up our lazy butts soon and head out to the Colorado Mills mall for a while, just for some fun in a bun. They have a really fun play place there in the middle of the mall, and Emma really likes going there. I'm so tired tho, I better have some coffee or a nap first or I'll never make it around that mammoth place.

Wow, another shuttle disaster. Bleh.

And what is this Leptroprin shit? $150 a month for a pill to help you lose weight? Jees louise if I'm gonna shell out $150 a month for weight loss, I'll pay an muscle-bulging Latino slathered in oil to come over and work me over show me the proper way to work out and snort white crosses eat a healthy balanced meal plan.

Have you ever been an active member in an online forums site? They are "Bulletin Boards", where folks go and post topics, and respond to threads (the string of comments in a topic) in existing topics. Some are just general gabbery, there's the Straight Dope one which I don't care for because it is sloppy, vague and cliquish. And some are trade or interest specific. I think my mom frequents the A & E Mysteries forums or some shit. Riveting stuff going on over there.

The one I haunt is a trade specific one. I have 1260 posts there, over the past 5 years. I don't like to give out the url because..well just because. It's like single George and engaged George meshing together in Jerry's apartment. You just really don't want to see it. And it's not all that interesting, anyway.

But when you're an active member of a forum, it seems that the camaraderie and competition becomes both insanely frustrating and yet wildly entertaining. I've had misunderstandings in the forums with people I consider friends..and I've moped about it for days. I've posted things to deliberately push people's buttons. I've also been the recipient of some outrageous generosity from some of the other members. And I feel like the forums was my biggest and best sounding board when Dan left.

And if you've been at a forum for long enough, you garner a certain respect..not quite real, not quite imagined. People will stick up for you, and others will give you the benefit of the doubt when you're in question. That's kinda neat, I think.

I know some of the fellas from there pop in here once in a while..so I just wanted them to know that I'm glad to see them here, and that I'm glad we're buddies.

Do you remember The Hogan Family? Late 80's, Valerie Harper..I think her husband was a pilot or some shit.

I remember an episode where their aunt died, at a store or something. They're all sitting around the living room as somber as can be, and Valerie comes in. Someone says "We lost grandma at the supermarket". Valerie says "Well, didn't you even look for her?"

I think that's the best line in sitcom history. I'm probably remembering it totally wrong, however..as I tend to do. I do remember Mrs Poole tho.

Crazy stuff.

***********

Anyway, kind of a shitty day all around. A misunderstanding kept folks quiet and in their respective caves for some time. I feel like this was a totally wasted day, in the scheme of things.